I had a rather interesting consumer experience the other day that I feel the need to share with you here, as I think y’all might find it informative and instructive (or, umm, something). And what am I here for, if not for the betterment and uplift of all humankind? snort.
Anyway, yesterday I went to get the mail as I do everyday, and found lying in wait the typical junk n’ magazines fare, along with what appeared to be YET ANOTHER questionable offer from our current credit card company — something, I imagined, along the lines of “Unspecified Valued Customer! We want to send you an enormous check for thousands upon thousands of dollars WHETHER YOU NEED IT OR NOT! Ask us how!” These letters make me itchy. And scratchy. And considering the frequency with which we get them one might imagine I would perpetually look as though I’d just endured a fresh Bear mauling or something, but I’ve learned (much like a rat in a Pavlovian experiment) to identify these computer-generated credit-abuse-lures based solely on an ill-defined combination of 1) the size and shape of the envelope, 2) the font used, and 3) the general heft of the mail-like item, thus enabling me to send them directly into the purgatorial recycling bin before succumbing to their epidermal irritation.
But for whatever reason, yesterday I opened the envelope.
And good thing I did, because here’s what I found inside:
Hmm. Slightly ominous looking.
Okay, let me translate all of this for you, since the fine print is admittedly a little small:
“Hi! You’ve been a valued customer for seven years, and we really appreciate you! And because you’ve never had a late payment — and in fact often pay your balances off in-full immediately — you’ve been selected by our company to be bent over and have random, large objects inserted into your butthole by us! CONGRATULATIONS!”
Okay, so that’s not really what it says. But that’s the gist, believe me.
Basically, their evil plan was (and is) to send this notice out to thousands of unsuspecting customers like myself, and just wait and see who doesn’t have the cojones to scream fucking bloody murder. Because what this missive DOES say is that they’re taking people’s low, fixed-rate credit cards (in our case, the fixed interest rate was 9.9%), and inexplicably, after years of consumer use and loyalty, suddenly changing those to adjustable rate cards starting at a rate of 15.9%.
And yes, you just heard the sound of my head actually exploding.
So naturally, upon reading this, I did what I think any sane human would (and should) do: I got on the horn and started yelling at complete strangers.
First I yelled at a lowly general Customer Service gatekeeper — and lest you think me rude, please do know that I began my discussion of the matter with said representative by saying “I know this just your job, and I’m not angry at you personally of course, but I *AM* FUCKING ANGRY” — I always find that saying something along those lines serves as a kind of interpersonal buffer, a self-pardoning for assholishness yet to come, if you will.
Then, after verbally slaying Customer Service Dude, I was passed on by his smoking remains to someone called a “Personal Account Manager”, and proceeded to unleash more of my eardrum-piercing fury on her ass. Yellfest 2007! YEEHAW! THE SOUND OF MY VOICE AT THIS VOLUME CAN SOLVE ANY PROBLEM!
And then something weird happened. Something I found kind of creepy, to be honest.
The Account Manager lady started backpedaling — acting all dramatically remorseful and aghast at her own company’s behavior (damn straight, beeyotch!). She was all “you’re SO important to us” and “I’m SO glad you called about this” and “how about I cut your fixed rate back to 8.9% and we call it a day, hmm?” Had I grumped and grumbled a little bit longer, I think I might’ve been able to get a blow job out of it.
See, that’s their game. Its called “What Can We Get Away With, And How Ridiculously Abusive Can We Be To Our Own Customers, While Still Making Money?” (okay, that’s a bit long and not terribly catchy… howabout “Use & Abuse: Creditor Edition”? Hmm…) Its wrong. Its bordering on actual evil. And the sad thing is, I’m sure many, MANY people threw that little notice away with the rest of their junk mail, and will wake up to a very unpleasant credit card bill surprise some morning next month. And all of this is perfectly legal, apparently, and well within their corporate rights.
Bastards. That’s it, I’m moving to Cuba. Who’s with me? Errm, comrades?
PS: For no reason other than that I haven’t done it in a while, and it feels good to do it.
