Listen, you people with the bands, making up the dumb band names up? You need to cut that shit out.
Perhaps I’m alone in this, but lately it seems to me as if there’s some kind of contest going on for who can come up with the most ridiculous, dorktastic rock band name of them all, and that increasingly the competition is getting — as Tyra Banks would say — FIERCE. To wit: on my most recent mix (available for your downloading pleasure in ye olde sidebar), I have songs by Okkervil River, Vampire Weekend, The Arcade Fire, and Architecture in Helskini. I guess these names are supposed to sound mysterious and, umm, pretentious arty? Or something? FAIL ART KIDS FAIL!
Don’t get me wrong — these are great bands who make great music. But is our reserve of band names so bankrupt that we now have to — as a people — resort to this kind of annoying Madhatter’s Acid Trip Tea Party use of language? IS IRRITATING. TO ME.
Archetypal band dude: “Well, our first choice was The Police but that’s taken, so howsabout we go with BURNIN’ LOUNGE JUNKIES?”
Because, you know, there’s nothing cooler than a barfly heroin addict with 3rd degree burns. Yep, I don’t know about you, but that SO makes me wanna rock out. snort.
And don’t even get me started on the vagaries of band name fashion, such as the recent scourge of Wolves — Wolf Parade, Wolfmother, Sea Wolf — yeesh, I’m nodding off just thinking about it.
I guess bands could all just keep reloading this page, until they find something that sticks. A sampling of the potential greatness:
- The Cobalt Anvil Project (Dropping The Rock on your vulnerable, helmetless skull [gives The Goat])
- Pool of Jugglers (Eat your heart out, Dadaists!) (I secretly kind of like this one)
- A Fistful of Wookiees (Anything that mentions Wookiees = CASH MONAY)
- Three Vicious Monkeys (Same goes for Monkey$$$$ – dolla dolla bills, y’all!)
- leafgun (Oh the dichotomous irony! Nature, meet the cold hard steel of industrial killin’ writ artfully in all lower case. English majors, REJOICE!)
I think you see where I’m coming from and/or going to with this. Horse = dead and thoroughly beaten. So can we call a naming truce, band peoples? Howsabout some nice definite articles followed by nouns, hmm? Those are always good. The Cars. The Shins. The White Stripes. Simple. Classic. Not trying too hard. Think about it, yes?
(Has emo band, The Reverse Sneezes. Note dramatic
black eyeliner and soulful, yearning eyes.)
PS: Wholly unrelated: have you seen how far the LOL Cat Bible has come lately? I recall seeing Genesis back in the day (“back in the day” on the internet = 6 months ago), but had no idea it had grown into a real interpretation of the entire Bible. If nothing else, you’ll want to check out The Book Of Job, and The Song Of Solomon. Holla back, fellow (ex-)Catholics! (I anxiously await the LOL Cat version of The Book Of Revelations (O NOES!!1!!!).)
