Keepin' it fo' realz

04/15/2008 By

Yesterday I stumbled across this flickr group, started in the spirit of Self Portrait Truthiness. And because my need to over-share is almost a sickness at this point, I immediately went off and snapped the following pix of mah abode, unretouched and unvarnished and uneverything (I SWEAR!), for your viewing pleasure (click thumbnails to embiggen):

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Not very exciting, I’m afraid. I thought about spicing it up a bit — adding the stray dildo and/or lube, perhaps some questionable *ahem* literature *cough* here and there — but that sort of tweaking would be contrary to the whole keeping it real point, yes? And the reality is that my daily life is, indeed, far from contrived porno-level exciting. Unfortunately. Though to my credit, who else do you know that has freakin’ Godzilla attacking their dining room table on a daily basis, huh? ME FTW!!!1!!

Next up: photos documenting my yearly gynecological exam. Because it doesn’t get any grittier or uncompromisingly real than a visit to ye olde hoo-ha ville. Brace yourselves, put your seat back into its upright and locked position, and don your protective goggles.

. . . . .
In somewhat actually interesting news, this dork and I are leaving tomorrow for what I hope will be Tracey & Amy’s Excellent Adventure, complete with comic time travel and lots of dooooooooood (no, seriously: DOOOOOOOD!). We’ll be spending the remainder of the week in California near San Diego, checking out some AV equipment provided by our john sugardaddy gracious corporate host, and hangin’ in/on/around the beach, hopefully with umbrellaed drinks perpetually lodged in our whoring fists. I’m a small person with small dreams, yanno?

Anyway, since this trip is going to be all about the images and the video, any suggestions regarding things you’d like for me to document along the way? Images you’d like to see, or photo/video vignettes you’d like to propose? Theater or movie scenes you’d like Amy and I to (melo)dramatically reenact? Totally manufactured moments you’d like me to ineptly fabricate for your amusement? I’m your dancing monkey, and I’m taking requests!

C’mon, Pilgrim. America is counting on you.

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  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    Denise, crushing heads is ALL i do, 24-7, 365. :)

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    PS: please remind me to totally fuck up my house and shit before posting pictures of it, because OMG, I HAVE ANGERED TEH INTARWEBZ WITH MAH (relative) NEATNESS.
    dudes, i'd be messier if it didn't give me the facial ticks. srsly.

  • http://www.amalah.com Amalah

    You keep mentioning these "drinks." You are going to hate me when you finally discover how boring I am during pregnancy-mandated sobriety. Or perhaps you already know, and are choosing to live in denial instead.
    Either way, fuck you, whore. I'll be over here enjoying MAH DELISHOUS WATER.

  • Fake Jon Stewart

    I'm ready to place my order…
    I'd like to see a clip of you two doing your best reenactment of the intro to Laverne & Shirley. No overdubs, please. I'll require you to actually SING the "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated." And so on.
    We, the internet, are counting on you.

  • http://plainjanemom.com Erika Jurney

    My only request: No Thelma and Louise! And if you must, only the Brad Pitt part, not the cliff scene…

  • Jo

    I for one would like to see photos of you and Amy doing a Rick Astley karaoke number. Dancing along at the same time would add bonus points.

  • Kirsten

    I agree with Jo. Amy & Tracey RickRoll teh interwebz. That would be awesome.

  • missbanshee

    We can has LOLAmyTracey????
    SweetAlah: Teh Search 4 teh Bukkit!

  • http://kimberleyschmahl.com FabGirl

    Okay, am on deadline right now, and if my editors find out I’m cruising the worldwide internets, I’m dead, but I just had to say, why is your house so clean? GAH. If I took pictures right now you’d see the dust and toyz and oh, LOOK, some honeydew melon on my coffee table! I definitely think a RickRoll is in order for le trip. Oh, and any bonus airport footage (a la Airline) with you and Amy claiming upgrades due to the fact that your invisible husbands are traveling with you would be awesome.

  • Alyce

    I'd like a tour of your hotel room – especially the bathroom and the little bottles of shampoo and stuff.
    I'd also like to see some pics of the shoes y'all bring, and perhaps a recap at the end of the shoes you actually wore. (Am I the only one who brings 7 pairs of shoes for a 4-day trip and wears two pairs? Is it pairs or pair if there is more than one?)

  • http://melinor.blogspot.com Melanie

    You have a lovely home. And I wouldn't want to take pics of mine right now, because I just started a new job last night, so it wouldn't be as tidy as it usually is, and that's not fo' realz, neither.
    HOWEVER – the reason mine is usually tidy is NOT because of innate tidiness, as you are awesome enough to have; mine is because, while I was off work, I wanted to prove to myself that THE FIRST FOURTEEN YEARS of my housekeeping record were not the sum total of my keepin'-it-clean abilities.
    Anyway. Nice house! And I woke up unimaginative today, so have no suggestions.

  • http://www.tothinkistocreate.com To Think Is To Create

    Thanks for playin along! Only thing is, your house is super clean, so um. Yeah. Not fair. Just having things off the floor is something I aspire to.
    Hope ya’lls have fun on the trip. Maybe you can take a really fo’ realz real pic when you return from being away from the house. Hubby and princess can’t be *that* clean, can they? ;)

  • http://www.rockheals.com other sweetney

    to everyone that thinks the place is neat… yes, but the messy parts are artfully not shown… Sweetney, show them the back corner of the dining room! or Mina's half of the house! or the dining room table after I've been through it! or your clothes pile!
    xoxo
    Sweentey House Force of Chaos

  • http://evilqueendenise.blogspot.com Denise

    In honor of kids in the hall, please crush some heads.

  • http://www.aummom.com MeL

    Since I assume you will be doing the drinking for two, what with the amalah in the motherly way and all, just do me a favor, please? Go ahead and make that drinking for three, as I too am in the motherly way and also jonesing for a margarita like tomorrow was cinco de mayo and i was looking for my lost shaker of salt.
    Bitches. All up in mah California being fabulous and witty and generally awesome. Have fun, and mebbe wave at Chula Vista, I've heard it's quite rad.

  • http://www.parentingunderthestars.com/ Sandra

    I too was hoping for more mess. Nice house though. The karaoke idea is fun but don't know about Rick Astley. Maybe Milkshake or Bossy by Kelis.
    I won't blame anyone else for my comment this time since I had my coffee and am not reading ass backwards.

  • ozma

    Hey…Will you and Amy re-enact the twin scenes from Grease where they are mutually telling their friends about the guy/gal they met?
    You are totally satisfying my strange voyeuristic tendencies which I share with 95% of America where I want to look inside people's houses.
    Have fun!

  • Maria

    RickRollin, please, and some 80s Go-Go Girls.
    You and Amy eating fabulous Mexican food would be nice too.
    We'd like to see what you see at the beach too.

  • Maria

    One more request. You and Amy singing “Don’t You Forget About me” by Simple Minds.

  • http://magnetoboldtoo.com Kelley

    Thanks for the ideas babe. I thought I had humiliated myself enough on my blog but now I have another idea! W00t! Next blog post in the dust on my sideboard. Awesome.
    Yeah good luck with documenting that next gyno exam. Are you gunna do it with the shaky camera thing going on or hiring a camera man? I am thinking the former. It is more artier.
    Documenting the trip? Get one of those special light thingies that show up bodily fluids and document the numerous stains on the bedlinen in the hotel…

  • Vi

    I really enjoy your intelligent, witty commentary on your life, your family and your dog. But when does the Lolzspeak and Interweb catchphrase get old?
    No…really. I'm surprised at how often these phrases litter your paragraphs.

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    Vi — i’m confused. are you talking about the title? because that isn’t lolzspeek, that’s me being mock-homegirl.
    in any case, slang and colloquialisms aren’t “litter” as far as i’m concerned — internet-based or otherwise. language is language, and i use the whole toolbox.