And now, a brief interlude that isn't totally depressing (no, seriously!)

Yesterday, in between bouts of sobbing and melodramatic whatta wurld-ing, I took M to her six month check up at the dentist.

Some days you don’t think your life could get any more awesome and then, SHAZAM!, it just does.

Anyway, while sitting in the dentist’s office waiting room trying to studiously block out the agonized shrieking emanating from the exam rooms nearby, I noticed this sitting on a table:

garden gun1 And now, a brief interlude that isn't totally depressing (no, seriously!)

That there’s a magazine called Garden & Gun, people. Apparently it’s some kind of Southern Living-type dealy-o, but the publication’s title struck me as filled with all sorts of hilarious creative-tweaking possibilities. Garden & Gun: Because you like to nurture living things AND slaughter them (Which isn’t even all that funny — I’m having a hard time with the funny these days, my apologies — but you get the idea.)

So simply for the sake of pure unadulterated levity, I ask you: what would be some other great tag-lines or issue subtitles for Garden & Gun? Or howsabout some article titles? What would be some content — columns, features, how-tos, whatever — you’d like to see in our imaginary version of Garden & Gun?

C’mon, play along! Humor me!

ETA: STOP THE PRESSES! There will be a PRIZE for funniest Garden & Gun submission! And it’ll be something good! TBA, but GOOD! Also, I’m easily amused these days, so it doesn’t take much to be considered "funniest" in my eyes, believe me. So it’s worth a shot, right? DO IT DO IT DO IT!

ETA DEUX: Okay, I have now secured spectacularly massive giveawayage. Are you ready? Can you handle this? ARE YOU SURE?

Funniest Garden & Gun submission wins the following:

1 Nintendo DS Lite (now in fabulous metallic silver)
1 copy of Brain Age 2 for the DS
1 copy of My Weight Loss Coach for the DS
1 copy of Mystery Case Files: MillionHeir for the DS

PLUS! The nice folks at Dove are contributing a gift bag filled with Dove products and two tickets to the film The Women. Woohoo!

I’ll keep comments open for one week — until next Wednesday, October 1st — and then post a winner.

BRING ON THE FUNNEH, PEOPLE!

**COMMENTS ARE NOW CLOSED. PLEASE SEE THIS POST TO HELP ME PICK A WINNER!**

  • http://mariabird.blogspot.com Maria

    The Internet: How to keep it out of your house.

  • http://thebukiblog.blogspot.com Sarah B

    Giving You An Easy Shot: Top ten plants that will attract wildlife right to your own backdoor!

  • http://www.fracturedtoy.blogspot.com/ mannequin

    How to grease your gun with fragrant oils from the garden

  • Kari A.

    Possible article:
    Design the perfect hunting grounds – Right in your own backyard!
    What is scary is that I worry that they have actually had this article.
    nateandjakesmom at gmail dot com

  • Lori Z.

    I've got two comments pre-article titles:
    I love that they have an article on the best bloody mary.
    And, I might actually get this for my mother in law, who, no kidding, fires her bebe gun at crows going after her corn.
    My articles:
    The AK-47: Weeding just got easier
    Shell collecting for the Beach enthusiast
    (can't you see the shotgun shells lined up on the mantle.
    Roses and Rifles– How to tell her you love her this Valentine's Day

  • Lori Z.

    How to keep Neighbor kids off your lawn
    Open Season: Grow the perfect Catnip

  • Lori Z.

    Charleton Heston's Favorite Herbs

  • http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com Sarah, Goon Squad Sa

    Garden & Gun: Fucking Squirrels

  • http://amaelija.wordpress.com Amaelija

    Garden & Gun: Published by the secret love child of Martha Stewart and Dick Cheney.
    Inside this issue:
    How to Create Your Own Deer Antler Chandelier
    Is Hunter Orange the New Black?
    Recipe Section: Roasted Opossum with Pear Chutney
    Bringing the Outdoors In – Decorating with Taxidermy
    Composting with Entrails

  • http://www.doobleh-vay.blogspot.com amya

    What's for dinner?
    Squirrel tartare
    How to clean yr man's Remington the right way

  • Beth M.

    Garden & Gun – Your Family Tree: Does it fork? Try G&G's easy ancestry guide to find out!
    Garden & Gun – Klan Uniforms: Which Thread Count is Best?
    Garden & Gun – Prom Edition: Throw a John Deere Prom!

  • http://thedirtywork.blogspot.com Patti

    Garden and Gun, formerly known as "Bait and Kill".

  • Heather R

    Garden and Gun: Green Thumbs and Hand Guns

  • dewey1973

    I'll give you my begonia when you take it from my cold, dead hands: How the NRA is changing horticulture.

  • http://superdumbsupervillain.blogspot.com/ Naomi

    Sowing the Seeds of Discontent

  • Lisa S

    Feminine Remington – How to Shoot and Kill without breaking a nail.

  • djp

    i'm in on this contest

  • Renee

    How about
    Garden and Gun
    For your green thumb and your trigger finger!
    I'm amazed this actually exists!

  • http://samsakara.blogspot.com/ Shilo Beedy

    Garden and gun: Teaches you how to plant the carrots and how to unload the gun on the bunny that steals them.

  • http://growingalife.blogspot.com Damselfly

    Is a backyard canned hunting ground right for you?

  • http://www.bebemiqui.blogspot.com bebemiqui

    10 Best animals for Compost…see inside!
    The Glock of His Dreams, how to get your guy to swoon over your piece!
    Pellet Greens: How bullet fragments can enhance your steak salad!
    bebemiqui82(at)yahoo(dot)com

  • Danielle

    Garden & Gun: The new looks in Rabbit

  • Tari Lawson

    Get rid of that "wascly wabbit" once and for all.

  • http://www.notimemom.wordpress.com brandy

    WERE OUT OF GAS!
    how to kill it and skin it like a real man

  • Jennifer Still

    Article: Oops! Hunting Trip Fashion Faux Pas
    Recipe: Edible Flower Salad with Squirrel Dressing
    Buyable Construction Plans: Greenhouses, Smokehouses, and Refrigerated Meat Lockers
    Where To Buy, page 29: Dress – Kmart $15. Gardening gloves – Kmart $6. Sunglasses – RayBan $69. Assault Rifle – Colombian Drug Cartel 200 American dollars

  • http://www.dadamama.typepad.com/dadamama DadaMama

    Garden and Gun: We Bring It Into the World So We Can Take It Out Again
    Garden and Gun: Putting the Damn! in Damsel
    Article: How To Make Your Garter Into A Holster, pg.56
    Article: Pistol-Whipping for Beginners, pg. 87
    Article: Gardening for Jesus and the NRA, pg. 31

  • http://punchpink.blogspot.com/ Lisa

    Garden & Gun: Because those flowers aren't going to weed themselves.

  • http://www.bananasandberries.com Barbara Baker

    Garden & Gun: where the cycle of life repeats itself.
    You grow it, they eat it, we gun em.
    cute contest….that was fun!
    Barb

  • http://www.stealsdeals.blogspot.com Abby

    hmmm how about an article on How to keep your beautiful garden growing luscious carrots, lettuce and other wonderful yummies by standing guard over it with your shot gun….okay I'm stretching here ;)
    ajcmeyer AT go DOT com

  • http://www.happinessisntbottled.blogspot.com Kristy H

    Article: Kill those extra pounds! Hunting trails that make you sweat.
    Article: Banish Clutter! What to do with last seasons animal heads.
    Article: Give skin a second chance – revamp your wardrobe!
    Article: Finally! An Organized Gun Rack, 5 Simple Steps
    Caption: Fall Beauty (Picture of large rifle with an orchid or a lavender in barrel)
    Sarah Palin
    Mother, Wife, Daughter.
    (pictured from chest-up with american flag blowing in the breeze in beautiful meadow, with deer poised in background).

  • Kristy H

    Sorry – meant to write for above -
    Caption: Fall Beauty!
    (pictured, long rifle set against burnt orange backdrop with cute pumpkins and squashes, leaves in barrel of gun.

  • http://texaswordtangle.blogspot.com Rhea

    Packin' Dirt & Packin' Heat: How to quick draw and then bury the evidence.
    OR
    Wheel Barrels & Gun Barrels: They both get results
    OR
    Kevlar aprons with pockets for your ammo and garden shears.

  • http://wonderspot.net WonderSpot

    Inside, an exclusive interview with Caribou Barbie, erm, VP Nominee Sarah Palin!!

  • http://www.mandajuice.com Amanda

    May I present, my son, COVER MODEL: http://www.flickr.com/photos/60449310@N00/2253580

  • Regina

    "Bones & Begonias: How to incorporate last year's trophies in your outdoor displays"
    "EXCLUSIVE New Fall Fashion Spread: Bvlgari Beretta holsters, Guess guns slings, Armani ammunition belts"

  • http://fiveoclockshakes.blogspot.com Mattso Von Boozestei

    Inside This Month's Issue
    DIY Project: Build your own grassy knoll. Target practice has never been so fun. Look out liberal scum!
    Cookin' and Eatin': A new entry in our monthly segment "Everything can be Fried and Covered in Mayonaise" – Fried Green Salad
    The Dixie Chicks: Should they be excommunicated from the South? Help us decide!

  • Kelly

    Gardens & Guns: Tips for identifying and purging unwanted refuse from your patch and your porch.

  • http://heathenfamilyrevival.blogspot.com Kelly

    G & G Throws
    A BOOK BURNING!
    Small Game Decorating for Small Space Living
    Skin Friendly Rifle Cleansers
    Say Goodbye to Dry Trigger Fingers

  • Becky Mize

    gardening with a gun 101
    GUN GARDENING TIPS
    machine gun great for getting your garden aerated
    no more pests in the garden solution put up target in your garden (big enough so you can see it) cover with a very sticky substance and then check it every morning for predators get your shotgoun and have at it!!
    My favorite is the bayonet great for those pesty weeds and grub worms
    check back next week for more

  • Lauren S

    Article title:
    "I Shot the Turnips, but I Didn't Shoot No
    Zucchini"

  • Katy

    Garden and Gun….
    Because you're a woman, you can bring home the bacon (freshly shot), cook it, and serve it with a freshly grown salad.
    Can't everyone in the South do this?

  • http://pkvst2.blogspot.com/ Pamela Vest

    Garden and Gun:
    Flower beds with a BANG!
    Grow it and guard it! how to prune while in pursuit.
    What to do if you shoot your garden hose.
    Go green. How to compost what you kill.

  • Diane

    Get the Lead Out: Guns and Garden Tools

  • Elizabeth

    Garden & Guns: You can dress for the party and still look carrying your gun

  • Jacqueline in Atlant

    Garden & Gun
    How to be the Yin & the Yang in your Home
    This month's features:
    Bringing Home the Bacon: Shooting Wild Boars with Guest Star Mart Hunt
    Frying Game in a Pan: Ten 10 Minute, 5 Ingredients or Less, Cooked Over an Open Fire with Guest Rachael Ray
    Never Let Him Forget: Seductive Camo-Lingerie for Your Romp in the Tent by Victoria's Wildest Secret
    Special Feature:
    Teach Your Daughter to Shoot Straight – A Pullout Poster for her Bedroom Door or Locker
    This Month's Featured Advertiser:
    Steel-toed High-Heels: Kick Some Butt and Mean It! (16 colors and dye to match available)

  • http://misaacmom.blogspot.com marybeth i.

    Garden and Gun
    Features:
    Spectacular Shotgun weddings – Brides who have a little extra something holstered to their garter belts!
    Sociopathic Socialite Soirees – These crazy ladies serve up their guests crudit√©s with cruelty.
    SPECIAL FASHION FEATURE! Smoke and mirrors – Bullet proof vests; off the range and onto the runway.
    Fun Quiz! Green Thumb or Sharp Shooter. Which man is for you?
    Special advertising section – sponsored by the NRA, for the National Gardening Association and the Junior League.

  • joni

    Featured article;
    OJ Simpson–From Guns to Gardens in 30 Days.

  • nancy

    smell the roses; shoot the aphids
    easy herbs 1 2 3 pistol the pests

  • http://visitatwhitsend.blogspot.com whitney

    A place to grow your veggies and shoot what's eating them – dinner is served!

  • Hayley G.

    How about:
    "Garden and Gun: we are deadly serious about horticulture
    Or "Garden and Gun: Horticulture and Homicide ideas delivered right to your doorstep!"