True Internet Dork Mom Confessions: Best Wives Ever Edition

10/29/2008 By

kdiddy: oh my god my husband is deaf
sweetney: THEY ARE ALL DEAF
kdiddy: "are we going to have some pie?" "i already had some." "what?" "I ALREADY HAD SOME" "WHAT?"
sweetney: "I’M GOING TO SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"
sweetney: "WHAT?"
kdiddy: hahahaha
kdiddy: "I’M GOING TO FART ON YOUR PILLOW. GIVE YOU PINKEYE!"
kdiddy: "WHAT???"
sweetney: "HATCHET IN THE HEAD! HATCHET IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN HEEEEAAAADD!!!"
sweetney: "WHAT?"
kdiddy: "YES PIE HAVE SOME! A LA MODE MOTHERFUCKER!"
kdiddy: "WHAT?"
sweetney: ahhh, good times.

Klassy with a capital letter K, people. We so totally win at wifery we should teach classes and shit.

. . . . .
[Previous installments ahoy!]

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  • http://kdiddy.org kdiddy

    We both have our PhDs in OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY DON'T YOU TRY FUCKING LISTENING TO ME SOME FUCKING TIME.

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    my dissertation was: "'OH MY GOD I AM SO NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER': Nagging and the Feminist Identity"

  • http://blackhockeyjesus.com Black Hockey Jesus

    It's evolution. Chicks yammer.

  • http://www.issascrazyworld.blogspot.com Issa

    You two are too dam funny.
    I think this could be a website though. Like True mom confessions, because I know I have many, many things that I could add.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/BaltimoreGal/ BaltimoreGal

    Not just hearing, they also can't see. My brother who lives in my attic can't find things in our own refrigerator. These are not tiny hidden things, these are things like bread or mustard. He will say "Where is _?" and I will say "In the fridge." He will then say "Where?" and I will then say (after having had this conversation a number of times) OMIGODIT'SINTHEFRIDGE!!! DOIHAVETOCOMEINTHEREANDPOINTTOIT?!?
    Then he will say "Sor-ry!" like I just killed his pet lizard.

  • KimAZ

    A coda to the fridge thing:
    He: Where is the mustard?
    Me: In the fridge.
    He: (looking blankly inside) Where?
    Me: BEND YOUR KNEES!
    HATCHET IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN' HEEEAAADDD!!

  • http://www.ozma.blogs.com ozma

    (You are making me realize a benefit of being a flake and a screw up who is also deaf myself.)
    T, I so loved your chapter in the S is for the W book. LOVED IT. And I was thinking: Why is there not more of this? Anyway, thanks for all the writing below.

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    KimAZ: OMG yes. we accept you, one of us!!
    Ozma: shucks, thanks doll. (blushes)

  • Katie Kat

    Seriously! And if the TV is on, FUGGEDABOUDIT! I have actually heard B say things to hubby like 25 times (louder and LOUDER each time) and he just sits there and then goes "WHAT??!!!!" Arrrrgh!

  • http://wonderspot.net WonderSpot

    I'd argue that it's not just husbands, but (I'm very sorry, men) dudes in general. I've had this happen with bosses (me: So and So called, the report is due today. him: What? Hey, have you heard when the report is due?), uncles (me: Uncle B, how was your day? him: you're gonna hit the hay?) etc….I'm sure women due it, too, but in my oh so humble opinion, I think that women actually have a higher sense of hearing. I mean, I can hear a disgruntled sigh from across the house.

  • http://listenupmofos.blogspot.com Florencia

    My husband is actually deaf in one ear. I always suspect he has selective hearing. It has caused MANY real arguments between us. "I said, what are we having for dinner?" "A winner? Who? Did we win something?" "God damn it! Are you listening to me?" "How many times do I have to tell you I AM DEAF, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" "But you did hear me this time…" "What?" OY!

  • http://www.parenthacks.com Asha {Parent Hacks}

    It's not enough that you two are so funny on MamaPop? You're this funny in PRIVATE, too? Redistribute the wealth, people! A little humor socialism is in order.

  • http://www.heartacheorheartburn.wordpress.com heartache heartburn

    I totally agree! You guys are awesome!
    Husbands are deaf. Totally and completely deaf!

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    Asha, you flatter me/us.
    so would you like that payment in dollars or euros?