The Fire Sermon*

06/17/2010 By

Late last night I realized that today was June 17th. My wedding anniversary.

So, as you might imagine, I spent a good chunk of the rest of the night crying.

What can anyone say in a circumstance like this? What words are large enough that they could possibly bear the weight of this sadness, or adequately convey the truth of it? There just aren’t any.

To him I’d simply say that I meant everything I said on that day so many years ago, however badly we botched all of it in the end.

Love doesn’t die. It changes.

There were a lot of good times, even in the midst of our carelessness and failings. And though time may have driven us apart, the truth remains that we are a part of everything I am, of everything I’ve become and will become. I’m grateful for all our years, the good and the bad — all of it. I will always be honestly, if somewhat heartbrokenly, grateful for you.

And, if nothing else, we created a singularly beautiful, perfect person. The best of our togetherness, the boiled-down goodness of it, of us, lives on in her. I believe that. I see it every day, when I look at her.

There are worse sorts of failures.

 

. . . . .

*

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  • http://jodifur.com jodifur

    This post is so heartbreakingly beautiful.
    I guess it says something that you didn't remember until last night? That you weren't spending days and weeks counting down?
    I wish I could say I know how you feel, or something, anything to make it better. I think time and space and distance do that.

  • rebecca

    Gorgeous. Perfect.

  • http://kdiddy.org kdiddy

    Today is our wedding anniversary too and we are too bummed out to celebrate. Four years ago, we were so sure that by this time we'd be way past the point where we still are. Our failures and naive optimism embarrass us now because we both can't shake the feeling that our ships sailed. Our perfect creation is our one successful collaboration. We just wish we could provide for him better.
    It's a tough day for lots of folks. And as tough as it is for you take comfort that you assessed the situation like grown ups and came to your decision ultimately out of love. I love all you guys.

  • http://issascrazyworld.com Issa

    All I can say, is I get this.
    I cried all night and it blows. Different reason, yet similar. But still. It's no fun.

  • http://innocentsaccidentshints.blogspot.com Michael

    Wow. Heavy stuff. Well written. Sad for you, but also happy you were able to make such a poised, adult decision.
    BTW, Neko Case guests on Peter Wolf's album "Midnight Souvenirs", which is gorgeous.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/twobusy TwoBusy

    Simply rendered. Deeply sad. Quietly graceful.

  • http://mrs.flinger.us Mrs. Flinger

    Tragically perfect, this post. As is love.

  • ozma

    This is very lovely and generous in spirit. There's something scary for me maybe in the idea of marriages ending if there was love and then there is no love (or worse). Maybe just because I, like lots of people (not everyone) felt dependent on my parents' marriage. But I guess I'm even like this about friendship. It always bums me out when people say there was no love, it was all an illusion. But I do understand how that happens and how that can happen. But how much better for people going forward to still love, to appreciate, to have gratitude, to keep the past real.

  • http://swimming-with-sharks.blogspot.com Christine

    Oh this was a lovely read. Worth getting teary on a Friday morning in my office.

  • http://www.scarymommy.com Scary Mommy

    As a child of divorced parents, I loved this. xo

  • http://www.nakedgirlinadress.com Naked Girl in a Dres

    Beautifully stated.

  • http://www.mybottlesup.com nic @mybottlesup

    hugs. you are one class act, mylady.

  • http://nilsenlife.blogspot.com Kirsten

    said it on Twitter, I'll say it here – this broke my heart in a small seismic way. the dialectic of goodness in sadness, of ever-presence in parting: all part of the human condition, all part of the makeup of our hearts. Beautiful in its sadness.

  • http://www.miss-britt.com Miss Britt

    I hope he gets it the same way you do. I hope he gets that you mean it.

  • norm

    Dear God. So incredible. How can you write this? Wait, I'll answer that — it's because you are awesome. I am not so brave. You rule.

  • http://totalbody.typepad.com/total-body/ Julie

    I spent so many years crying and wishing things could just go back to where they where. Then one day, I discovered that I no longer hurt so badly, that it hurts your heart, and ya know when the tears just keep falling. I discovered one day that I have a really great friend. Now that our 4 daughter's are grown, and some with their own families, I still have one daughter that is back home living with her father, and I have been spending some time there helping her do some remodeling on his home. I like the fact that we can be who we are, and that it is so important to create a space that is comfortable for our children…. When they say time heals! It really can, along with some prayer's to help you move on in a better way… Love the post. Sending hugs

  • http://www.fallingapartinonepiece.com Stacy Morrison

    I lived this moment, too, years ago. And I cried again when I read your post. I think there's nothing more lovely and powerful than being able to hold onto the beauty and good intent that are at the root of dashed dreams. I think it's the closest I've ever come to grace. And I'm a better person for having lived the truths of that sweet, awful tension. I hope you feel proud of yourself, because you should. All best to you, and your family, in its new shape.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/dmf013 Dawn

    That was beautiful and so deeply personal. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this but may you always live your life with the grace and class you show in your writing. I have no frame of reference but should it ever come to that, I hope that I have the maturity to remember that "love doesn't die. It changes.' So perfectly said.
    Hugs.

  • http://missesmisadventures.blogspot.com Miss E

    Devastatingly beautiful. And well written, as always. Thinking of you.