I’ve never quite gotten the hang of making “mom friends” (or “dad friends”). Up until just a few years ago, I was terribly anxious about speaking to people in general, much less striking up a conversation on the basis of our reproductive status. “Sooo…you’ve had sex, too, huh?” isn’t the best opener. My strategy was to just wait for the rest of my existing friends to have kids. The flaw there was that I had my son waaaaaay before any of my friends were even thinking about procreating. I eventually realized that if there was any hope of my kid gaining better social skills than me, I would need to grow up a little.
Obviously, the “don’t talk to strangers” talk hit home big-time
But apparently there are plenty of moms who have the exact opposite problem. They introduce themselves to people so much that the act of writing down their contact information or tapping their phone number into someone’s cell phone has become too burdensome.
Enter…mommy cards.
They’re business cards for moms.
It’s not a terrible idea, having your information handy and all. But, as with most business card orders, you can’t just order a dozen or so. You have to order a couple hundred. And I’m just wondering about the mom who is meeting that many people and the reactions that she’s getting. I’m sure there are plenty of people who receive one of these and think, “What a smart and cute idea!” but I feel like there are many others who would feel kind of put off by it.
Of the samples that I saw, the cards were all predictably pleasant. Vibrant colors, birds, flowers. Inviting typefaces. I began to wonder what my mommy card might look like, knowing that I can’t take anything seriously and am kind of an asshole. So I started tinkering around on a printing website that allows you to design business cards from their templates.
This one is pretty versatile. I could give one to my kid to be literal and then, I don’t know, give out the 199 that I have left at Halloween when I run out of Reese’s.
This is for when I’m being perfectly frank about how most of my playdates have ended.
America. Party. Bullshit. Fuck yeah.
I was mostly just entertained by the gaggle of babies on this design. I mean, sure, they might look cute and innocent to the untrained eye, but I’ve seen Zombieland, like, twice and I can tell that those little monsters have Teh Sick.
Because, sure, I want a playmate for my kid. But I also want a parental counterpart that knows and appreciates what I’m about.
If nothing else, these cards could help me weed out the jerks without a sense of humor.
