Lately, my daughter has taken to screaming. I’m not really sure how this came to pass, but I REALLY REALLY NEED IT TO STOP BEFORE BLOOD BEGINS GUSHING FROM MY EAR HOLES. (I almost said “ear sockets.” Which conjures up all kinds of unpleasant mutant-horror-type imagery and YOU’RE WELCOME.)
Hers is the sort of high-pitched, piercing scream one might associate with, say, Carol Anne – the little blonde-haired girl from the Poltergeist movies. A single shrieking girlish soprano note. She does this several times a day now, for reasons that seem the most unlikely inducements of the sound issuing from her facehole.
For example:
- The puppy jumps in the air = SCREAM!
- I ask if she wants to watch The Muppets Christmas Carol = BLOODCURDLING SHRIEK!
- C taps her on the shoulder to get her attention = PIERCING WAIL!
It’s just all so shockingly out of proportion that it drives me up the fucking wall. And it seems The Scream is eerily all-purpose, being indicative of emotions ranging from concern to surprise to excitement to joy. The Scream has become some kind of strange, perverse default response to everything, and BY GOD THIS AURAL ABOMINATION MUST END. AND THESE ALL CAPS UNDERSCORE AND REINFORCE JUST HOW MUCH I MEAN THAT SHIT. SERIOUSLY. BIG LETTERS!
Today I was stopped dead in my tracks after she shrieked in my face when I inadvertently startled her as I was trying to hand her a cup of juice. “Screaming is not an appropriate response!” I scolded. But, of course, I’m wrong. You know it, and I know it. It is a completely appropriate response… to any and all of the following:
You spy Pennywise the clown lurking in the backyard.
That girl from "The Ring" unexpectedly starts crawling out of the TV.
Shit bursts into flames... somehow.
A gaggle of zombies happens by.
Or worse yet, some fucking Hipsters show up.
Charlie Sheen knocks on the door, and starts asking for money or "a place to crash."
ALL of these? PERFECTLY VALID REASONS TO SCREAM. And really, anyone in their right mind would. But beyond these select instances – exceptions to the rule, really – it is *Inside Voice Timez.* Always. How is that difficult to understand? How? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
Has anyone else encountered this phenomenon? It is an age thing? Do they all get louder and more ear-stabby as they get older? Can I sell her to gypsies? Wait, I didn’t mean that thing I said about the gypsies? Or did I? But still? Help?
