A Month of Love: Making it Good, Making it Work, Making it Last

01/31/2012 By 29 Comments

Over the past several months I’ve had a number of friends ask me about my relationship with Charlie, about how we do it.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter – not THAT kind of “do it” (though, to an extent, that’s relevant)! No, they mean ”do” the relationship. They want to know how it is that after a few years together we’re still so absurdly, stupidly moon-y and in love. How does that work – in practical terms and otherwise? How do we navigate problems and issues and make our relationship healthy and happy on a daily basis? One dear single friend wrote:

TEACH ME. Please please please tell me how you guys make it work… what frictions you have, how you work through crapola, how your daughter gets on with him. In short, tell me that there is Someday Hope, or that it’s all an appalling ruse and you are horribly malcontent.

I should say at the outset that I’d never claim to be a relationship expert of any sort – I’m so very clearly not. But I am someone who’s probably had, relatively speaking, what would be considered a fairly wide range of dating and relationship experiences over the course of my life, running the full gamut from blissful and excellent to horrifying and heartbreaking. I’ve dumped and been dumped. I’ve had unrequited feelings and snubbed the advances of others. I’ve loved and lost. I married and had that marriage fail. And now here I am at the ripe old age of 41 having the best, healthiest, happiest romantic relationship of my life. It’s something worth talking about – how I got here, to happiness. How and why I failed in the past, and how and why I’m making it work now. But I don’t have all the answers, and this is why I really want and need your input and insights and stories. Fair?

So then, this coming month – February, the month most associated with romance – I’d like to talk about love. The good and bad, the failures and triumphs, yours and mine. About how we so often look for love but can’t find it, or find it only to watch it turn sour. And about how we can and do make it good, make it work, make it last. Sound like fun? Sound fun-ish?

Alright then, to begin, I’d like to turn the mic over to you here, in comments. What topics would you like to see covered here – covered by me, about my own experience, my situation, my relationship, and opened up for discussion and sharing generally to all? All suggestions and ideas welcome! What questions do you have? What experiences and insights do you have to share? What should we talk about when we talk about love?

ETA: If you’re feeling shy and would rather ask a question or pose a topic in private, please don’t hesitate to email me: sweetney(@)sweetney.com. Anonymity guaranteed, I swear on the life of the fruit bat!

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  • Anonymous

    I think when we talk about love we have to realize that it is not on size fits all. I love hearing what works for other people, but at the end of the day, I have my deal breakers, you have yours (I am talking the royal you, here) and you have to know what those are. I truly admire a lot of relationships of my friends but I also fully know that that I don’t want what they have. It is theirs, I gotta find mine.

    So really, when we talk about love, I think we need to talk about being self actualized and aware.

  • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

    I’d personally like to hear about how people keep their relationship “hot.” And how important that is or isn’t to people. Does romance and sex play less of a role over time? Should it? Does it matter, and if so, how much?

    (Brainstorming in my own comments section here! :))

    • Anonymous

      1. Find hot/bad-ass/biker/chef/poet.
      2. ?

  • http://twitter.com/MarinkaNYC MarinkaNYC

    I’d like to hear about anxieties about the future and the whole growing old(er) together. Not for me, of course, because I’m drinking from the Fountain of Youth as though it were Sauvignon Blanc, but for other people.

  • http://www.busydadblog.com/ Jim Lin

    I may be in the minority opinion here, but over the years I have concluded that love is or love isn’t. You read and hear so many experts talk about working at relationships and things couples can do to strengthen their understanding of each other blah blah. My philosophy is if you have to work at it, it’s not gonna work. 99% of anyone reading this will disagree. Experts will disagree. But to me, you fall in love. Falling is an uncontrollable thing. So is love.

    Wait. I wasn’t much help here, was I? You wanted topic ideas. How about, what makes the difference between being in a relationship and being in love?

    • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

      I don’t know that you’d get much disagreement from me, but it would be interesting to post about it and open it up for discussion… I know that, as you said, A LOT of people (the majority, probably) think relationships are hard work, and that this is part of the whole gig. So it would be interesting to hear the different perspectives. (*is taking notes* :))

      • Anonymous

        Mmmm . . . so much to say about this one. Imma write a post about it.

    • Anonymous

      I think that is the attitude I had at one point. I’m now divorced, and I think that’s a big reason why. I think it’s probably important to define “work.” Work doesn’t have to mean struggle or unfun things. Work is making sure you’re making time for you as a couple, that you’re connecting and staying engaged with what’s going on with the other, that you don’t bottle things up when they bother you and that you discuss those things constructively, even when you feel angry or hurt. I agree that you fall in love, but once you’re there, I wouldn’t say it’s exactly a stable state. To stay in love? That’s where the work comes in. If you are in a relationship that feels like it’s no work at all, that’s great, but it doesn’t mean you won’t ever have work to do together, nor does it mean you haven’t already been doing relationship “work” without realizing it.

      That’s just my $0.02.

      • http://twitter.com/kdiddy kdiddy

        Agreed. Life gets difficult sometimes and it’s not always a breeze getting through it as a team. Sometimes you have to butt heads, converse (at various volumes), and regroup.

      • http://loveiswhatyoudo.wordpress.com/ Jessica

        This, “I think it’s probably important to define “work,” is what I was going to say. What does it mean to “work” at it? I think working at a marriage is deeply important, but I have seen some friends in really unhealthy and abusive relationships who put their head down every day and slog along because they’ve heard that you have to “work” at it. At the same time, I’ve seen people give up over minor things because they don’t want to have to “work,” only to land in other relationships that still needed a lot of work. Then they’d lost the good thing they’d had to have a lesser relationship now, and it was sad to watch. So talking about different definitions of “work” would be great.

        I also think talking about the end result is helpful. If you want to grow old with someone, if you think love is about more than just making you happy, then you have to work towards it. Like I had to work to be able to play more than “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” on the piano. The end result, being able to play anything I want to, was SO worth the years pushing through scales. So maybe defining the end result and what you mean by “work” would help as you talk about this.

    • Paige

      Cleaning the kitchen is also work…but I like (no love) having a clean kitchen. In other words, you get out what you put in. Anytime you put something in, it is work.
      I love the results of ‘working’ on my marriage. It just gets better and better.

  • Ameitup

    I think many could benefit from advice on how to realize when it is OVER. So many of my friends have, and still do, try to stick it out, convinced it will get better, when it is obvious to others that the relationship they are in is beyond repair.

    • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

      ABSOLUTELY.

  • http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine

    I think a non-exciting, realistic issue for a lot of couples is learning to talk to one another, and learning how to listen. And from that, how to compromise and move forward.

    But I’m also open to your tips on fellatio.

    • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

      Heh. Sex: how does it work? :)

    • Anonymous

      *Snicker* Tips…fellatio. Hee! My first tip is just one tip at a time. I wholeheartedly apologize for my brain.

  • Anonymous

    I’m no expert and I lovely husband but to say it hasn’t been hard work would be a lie. I wonder how others cope with being in a marriage of polar opposites without letting the pressure of public expectations get you down. For me, it was a dear friend saying, “quit letting the whole world into your marriage.” (Not like ghat :) That was a huge reveal.

  • Anonymous

    Or “I love my husband.” “I lovely husband” is what HE says :) (Stupid Typo-fingers)

  • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

    Ooh! Ooh! I have something else: money. How does it or doesn’t it factor into your relationship, impact it, for good or ill? Like sex, I tend to think it plays a bigger role in a lot of relationships than we all say. How do you deal, together and/or separately, with that issue in your relationship?

  • Anonymous

    Work does have to happen. During a crisis that is affecting one more than the other? Or where both are so overwhelmed that they aren’t really (capable of) paying attention to the other’s needs/wants? Work has to happen. When I was pregnant with our daughter, I was sick as a dog, the whole effing time. I withdrew without realizing it because I just felt so bad all the time. When she was born, via pre-scheduled C-section, and things went terribly terribly opposite of okay, but in a way that mostly affected me? I felt alone and withdrew some more, too wrapped up in feeling so very alone in my trauma to notice that I was even withdrawing in the first place, and that my withdrawing was causing trauma to my husband. That takes work. We were a mess. Took time and tears and anger on both ends to work it through. But honestly? We are deeply, romantically, head-over-heels, grossly in love. I only added that last adjective because I am told we gross some people out. We’re a very snuggly family. And I LOVE it. We gush over each other and tell each other (the kids, too) how much we love each other, roughly eighty-five kajillion times per day. Does that work for everyone? Hell no. Like I said – we gross some people out. Some people are not touchy-feely-warm-fuzzies-and-PDA like we are. That’s absolutely fine for them. But I am in love and my husband is in love and it happens to be with each other, so woo-hoo! for us. :)

    And, yes. Sex has to happen. Physical intimacy HAS TO happen, though that doesn’t necessarily mean sex. (Please refer back to paragraph 1: snuggling.) A little kid-less time in a hotel room with some wine and a fireplace ain’t so bad, either. We’ve only had one kid-less overnight in 9+ years, but damnit, we’ll be doing that some more!

  • Alaina Shearer

    I am going to throw my hat into the “effortless – but still work” camp. If there is one yet…

    I have also loved and lost, married then divorced and now – like you Sweetney – totally and absolutely gaga in love. It is, by far, the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Certainly, there are things we work on – but they don’t feel at all like work. It’s much easier when the relationship just works for you… and I think there is certainly a fine line between what constitutes too much work and what his healthy “work”. I have so many friends in bad, unhappy relationships. It’s really shocking if you think about it.

    Will love to read what you share in February! Great idea!

    Ms. Single Mama – http://www.mssinglemama.com

  • Anonymous

    What I’d like to know is where do you FIND someone? Seriously, name something and I have tried it. More than once or even a few or many times, probably. I have followed up on every. single. suggestion. that anyone has ever made or I have ever read, and I read a lot. Aaaannnd…nothing. For YEARS, decades even. It’s gotten to the point that I question whether there even IS a significant other out there for me.

    I want a meet cute, dammit! Or, even a not-so-cute meet. Anyone who wants to say “keep trying” or “stay open” or any other pseudo-supportive crap like that? HEARD.

    • Paige

      Perhaps you have tried this but if not: plan and then go on the last-great-adventure-of-your-single-life trip. By yourself. I did this and I met my current husband on a bus in costa rica (we are both American). I beleive there is something glowing about a woman on a great adventure. On that trip I seemed to attract men like bees to honey (I am no model). Go somewhere that intrigues and excites you at every turn. Stay at hostels where other lone travelers go. There are safeguards to take of course but don’t let the hint of danger hold you back! Many women travel alone and are quite safe doing so. Try it!

  • http://twitter.com/crazyus Beth Rodgers Adams

    How do you find the Yin and the Yang in a relationship? How do you know when to shut your mouth and when to speak up? Do you have a time of day that is off limits for talking (discussing/fighting)?

    I love the picture, btw. Great topic ideas!

  • Wendi

    Every day recently it seems that I am alternately and equally EXTREMELY JEALOUS and very happy for you and your lovely man. Maybe not equally — jealous gets the caps-lock since I am just 2 months out from my husband of 13 years announcing suddenly and unexpectedly that he is done. So forgive me for being jealous, since everything is a little black right now and crumbling around me. But you give me a teeny bit of hope, so I’m looking forward to torturing myself by reading your blog religiously this month.

  • http://www.poemsandnovels.blogspot.com/ Maggie May

    I write about this all the time because damn, it’s timelessly fascinating and I can never read enough about it, so I’m excited you are doing this!

    My marriage is nine years in the works, four kids, and off the top of my head, free stylin:

    sexual compatibility is very very important. if one of you is highly sexual and the other can take it or leave it, there will eventually be problems. big ones. cuz there will be problems either way, but if you guys aren’t on the same page in the first place, i think it could be a marriage ender. my husband and i have, for the most part, an amazing sex life. sometimes it’s even been epic :) that’s pretty awesome.

    therapy! therapy! therapy! we are all fucked up. we all need help. we all need mentors. therapists are modern day philosophers that used to sit around the town hall and teach us.

    true communication. either have it or learn it. if you don’t know or won’t do true listening and talking, it won’t work.

    similar excitements in life: travel, kids, living in mud huts, whatever.

    a deep understanding that sometimes, your marriage will suck really hard. an acceptance of the work that will follow.

  • http://twitter.com/xtremeparnthood Sunday Stilwell

    Given so many relationships consist of a blending of two families I’d like to hear about how to make a relationship work with step’s, exes, and all the baggage that goes along with it.

  • Ameitup

    Beth brought up a good point. I will admit I now have a hard time knowing when I need to just STFU!!
    I met my late-husband (the father of my daughters) when I was 14, married him at 20, lost him when I was 35. I rarely “talked back” to him, knowing the hell I and the girls would end up paying.
    Almost 8 years ago I met a wonderful 44 year old man, never married, no children except for mine (ours). We’ll celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this year. He has the patience of a saint, but for the life of me there are SO MANY times I can NOT shut the hell up! He will eventually say “Ame, you REALLY need to stop talking now.”
    I think it is because he is so much kinder, more loving, more patient than my late-husband that I feel “comfortable” railing at him. Rarely does he deserve it, so why do I do it?? Maybe because I know that even if I spent most of the night before bitching him out, he may be angry when he comes home from work (1.5 hour drive both ways b/c I don’t want to move back to THAT city) he will still hug me, tell me he loves me, listen patiently to every “hey, Steven, know what?” that Miss 12 and Miss 14 toss at him the second he comes through the door.

  • Anonymous

    That point where you’re at the biggest crossroads of your life and you think, will I flog this dead horse until its heart starts beating again and we go to therapy and counselling and muddle through the next 10-15 years or will I just go this other way on my own coz I am TOUGH and can make it through anything in this dumb life?

    Which decision will I regret more, please tell me Sweetney kthks