Allow me to demonstrate why you should never weigh yourself on a Friday morning:

01/20/2012 By 29 Comments

So, I’m really pissed off at myself.

A few years back, during and after my marriage first fell apart, I went though what I’d call The Divorce Diet (well, technically Separation Diet – but Divorce Diet has a much nicer, more rhythmic ring to it, doesn’t it?). Like so many people going through a divorce, I sort of, well, stopped eating. This wasn’t an intentional thing, mind you. It just kind of… happened. It also just so happens that around that time I started using exercise in a manner much like an addict uses a drug – to fill a void, to make me feel better, and moreover better about myself, because I felt so very, very shitty about myself at the time. I guess some people going through traumatic, life-changing events curl up in bed, pull the covers over their heads, and eat carton after carton of Ben & Jerry’s. But I did almost exactly the opposite. Which I’ll go ahead and note is truly weird for me. I’m traditionally much more of the shove-my-face-full-of-food-and-crrrrrry kind of person, but in this instance I wasn’t. Maybe there was some kind of unconscious internal push toward the idea of transformation, toward CHANGE, because I so very much wanted that in so many different parts of my life, I’m not sure. But the upshot was, I lost about 40 pounds in an unprecedentedly short period of time. And I felt better, physically and mood-wise, than I had in maybe 10 years.

Well I bet you can see where this is going, right? In the past two years, I’ve gained almost all of that back. Why? Because I’m happy now. Fat and happy. With the emphasis on Fat (not to diminish the happy part, mind you, because I am quite happy, but rather to underscore my TOTAL EPIC WEIGHT LOSS FAIL). Yeeeeah.

*headdesk*

I don’t pretend to understand how my own psychology works regarding all of this, but there it is. Have your marriage break up and drop a shit ton of weight without even thinking about it, then fall in love and pack the pounds back on like it was your profession and duty. Is it just me, or does something about this seem really, really fucking unfair?

So anyway. Here we go. Diet time. (BOO! HISS! I HATE YOU, DIET TIME!)

And before someone says to me, diets don’t work – you need to change your lifestyle!, I’ll just go ahead and say BULLSHIT. Well, not total bullshit – I get that I need to go back to exercising more (when I magically lost all that weight I was working out at least 5 days a week), and eating more healthfully, of course. But I’m a 41 year old woman with the metabolism of a sloth dipped in molasses. Just eating healthfully and exercising is not going to do much for me, I’m afraid. No, I’m going to need to count calories, and exercise, and watch portions, and do ALL OF THE DIETING THINGS for this to work. At all.

(Why did I fall in love with a baker and chef? OUR GOD IS A SPITEFUL AND ANGRY GOD.)

I say all of this to you today because:

1. I need to whine about what a complete fucking moron I am and get this off my chest or I’m going to need to go out and purchase an actual hairshirt.

2. I weighed myself today for the first time in many moons. That was a mistake. As you can all clearly see (read).

3. I’m probably going to be writing more about this in the weeks and months to come, so I’m just laying the foundation for EVEN MORE WHINING here, be warned.

4. I’d really like to hear from you guys about what’s worked (and not worked) for you with regards to losing weight. AND -

5. I’d like to hear about any tools you all might be using – iPad/iPhone apps, videos/dvds, supplements, kitchen gadgets, anything, whatever – that may be helpful to me at this point.

6. I am filled with remorse and self-loathing and OH THE DUMB STUPID WHINING.

Yeah, that about covers it I’d say.

So… thoughts? Advice? Tips? Suggestions? Halp? Anyone? What works for you?

 

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Filed Under: Health
  • http://twitter.com/thebrokenplate Juliet Ames

    yeah, so happiness made me fat. I can NOT imagine if I feel in love with a man who makes the food that I see your man make. My God, woman.

    Anywho, I started a diet in June, and lost 35lbs between then and now. I mostly used the myfitnesspal app to track everything, it is super helpful. I was hardcore for 6 months or so, staying around 1000 calories, but winter hibernation mode has made me lax. I got a shitty little elliptical in my basement and started watching Mad Men to kill the time. At this point, I am so sick of the elliptical, but my addiction to Mad Med keeps me going.

    Good Luck! Have cheat days, they make life worth living and they keep you metabolism guessing.

  • curlsz

    dr oz had a really good show on the other day about metabolism – basically don’t skip meals and have good snacks in between – there that was the show summed up in a mere few words ;-)

    good luck lady – you can do it – i quit eating fast food in December and have been juicing, along with Pilates reformer classes and regular exercise and it is coming off like a champ! the juicing is getting all those lovely nutrients in my body – and the no fast food is getting rid of some funky chemical addictions i feel sure – so now i don’t want or crave it – happy days

  • guest

    The things that helped me…
    This watch – http://www.suunto.com/ca/products/Heart-Rate-Monitors/suunto-m5/suunto-m5-blacksilver – It tells you when to exercise, how hard to exercise, tracks how many calories you burn, is generally awesome.
    Eating no wheat and no sugar. I know. But nothing makes as much of a difference for me as this. Like, 10 pounds in a month difference. I cheat on Sundays and eat a croissant, but that’s about it.

  • Jacey Boggs

    Tracey, Welcome to my life. Well, not my life, but my life of diet and workshop. Shit. It sucks here. Well, it doesn’t totally suck but it does suck in the beginning. After my 3rd child, I was at my highest weight ever and unlike my previous children, my over-35edness meant that those 50LBS didn’t just melt away. And so I got Loseit for my iphone, put in to lose 2 lbs a week and I worked out. Worked out like a motherfucker. First I did p90x. Then I did insanity. And now I’m in a much nicer schedule of alternating between ripped in 30 and 30-day shred, I just go back and forth through the weeks and then start again. It keeps me from getting board, I suppose, plus it’s a kick ass workout in only 20ish minutes, which as a mother of three writing a second book and article deadlines coming out of her slightly-smaller ass, that’s what I need. I’m thrilled to say that after 9 months I am in the best shape of my life. I’ve been a size 8 my whole life. After #3 I was a 12, easy. Now I’m a 4. A fucking 4. Whack, right? And you know what, no single day of it was hard. It was hard to wait, to keep doing it, but each and everyday was not so bad. Really. It’s kinda crazy. I love the workouts now and I don’t log food anymore. Though since I don’t want to give up my workouts, I am upping my calories because I don’t want be one of those women people whisper about “you know, she looked fine and then she lost TOO much weight”. So there. That’s my experience. I don’t know if that helps or hurts but I feel like a new person and I wish you tons of success on your journey to shitty work-out land. It does get better.

    jacey

  • http://twitter.com/TwoBusy TwoBusy

    sloth dipped in molasses = delicious.

    I’m bettin’ Charlie’s got a recipe for that.

  • http://twitter.com/acaciabrooke Kacey Brooke Tinsley

    I’m loving free step/free run on the Wii Fit Plus, they let you watch tv while doing step aerobics or running in place and the wiimote coaches you through it. Calorie counting is a pain, but LoseIt does a lot of the math for you and their app even has a barcode scanner built in. My favorite, though, is probably an app called simply “Drinking Water” which reminds you to drink water at set intervals. No diet or exercise has ever made as much difference as drinking enough water seems to.

  • Anonymous

    But he makes such lovely things. I’ve seen photos and drooled over on Instagram for oh a yeah. I wish you much luck. Truly I do. I know the divorce diet myself. Lost 30 pounds in a very short amount of time. Have gained it back. That part is sooooo much easier.

    I have a Wii fit, which I was using last year for a bit. I should go back to it. But I’ll likely not until spring. I’m a winter hibernator type person.

    Anyway, good luck.

  • Not Beehive

    Some people like to reward themselves for losing weight, but that’s never worked for me. The prospect of losing money is a good incentive for me. So I decided that I would cut certain things out of my life (basically junk food) and if I failed I’d have to pay my children $100 for each infraction. You would not believe how well this has worked for me. I started in May 2011 and I’ve failed once, which was mortifying and not something I could really afford to repeat. I went cold turkey. No junk food, no sugar other than that in yogurt and regular peanut butter (the natural stuff tastes terrible). I’ve lost 20 pounds and I don’t exercise. Also, in order to encourage my kids to encourage me to stick with it, I’ve told them that once I lose the final 30 pounds I will give each of them $100.

  • Indycitygirl

    I’ve lost 30 pounds by walking and a great diet called ” The ABS Diet”.never hungry, makes sense and 1 day a week you can eat ANYTHING you want

  • http://twitter.com/PunditMom Joanne Bamberger

    Oh I wish I had wise words. I try to convince myself every morning that I have the will power to avoid the things that truly tempt me. I do not. And the onset of menopause is not helping. Not. One. Bit. xo

  • http://spoton.typepad.com/ Bridget

    I started walking the dog (2 miles, twice a week) in the fall when my kids went back to school and I’m trying to control portions (that alone is super hard for me.) I also stay off the scale and decided to wait to weigh myself (every four months). I figure if I’m feeling a difference in my clothes then I don’t need to see a number that might not be up to my stupid expectations (ie: LOSE WEIGHT FASTER, COW GIRL) I also switched back to riding English from Western because it’s more of a workout so that gives me three days a week of cardio.

    I feel sorry for you with the baker/chef boyfriend thing. That alone? Harsh, dude. ;-)

    Let us know your progress. It’ll help us all collectively work towards something better.

  • http://meekamoojiandmommy.wordpress.com/ meekasmommy

    Stress. That drops the weight right off of me! ;)

    OK, OK. While totally true, that’s not the most helpful suggestion. For me, it’s remembering to ask if I’m actually hungry before eating something, or if I’m simply bored/angry/unhappy/etc. Also, MAKING the food I’m about to eat – if I’m craving sugar, taking the time to make brownies or suchlike, rather than eating prepackaged stuff. Sure, it’s no better for me, but it 1) takes time between craving and eating to make sure I truly want it, 2) expends *some* calories in the process (MIXING! BY HAND!), and 3) tends to make me treat it more reverently – that is, eat a smaller portion, so it lasts longer…

  • curlsz

    PS: this is a good post on foods to incorporate to maximize your diet http://fitfluential.com/2012/01/maximize-your-diet-with-superfoods-livewellnow/

    Fitfluential is an awesome community of trainers and nutritionist sharing their thoughts and expertise – I love it- I’ve realized the more I can sub foods the better – like dates for chewy candy, maple syrup for sugar etc

  • Anonymous

    After I had my daughter and the weight didn’t just fall off like all the celebrities told me it would (lying bitches), and I realized that no amount of breastfeeding was going to get rid of my (significantly larger) posterior, I ran. And ran and ran and ran. I had to maintain my caloric intake since I was breastfeeding, so cutting out/down on a lot of foods wasn’t really an option for me (and would not have worked anyway, since I love all of the foods), so I started running. And riding a bike, but mostly running. At least 3 times a week, for 30-60 minutes. And also, drink SO much water. Seriously. Like, more than you think you need to drink. As far as food goes, I stopped eating fried foods, ate a lot more fruits and veggies, and didn’t deprive myself of anything if I really wanted it. BUT. I am totally the kind of person who can eat just one cookie or a spoonful of ice cream or a handful of chips, so this worked for me. I absolutely recognize that some people can’t have just one, so if it’s a trigger food, get rid of it. Except bacon. I’ll keep the last couple of pounds if I can keep bacon.

  • Anonymous

    Sweet, I lost 30# when my hetero life partner hit the fuckit button. That’s not legitimate pound shedding- that’s life taking a beam to your bean and you do what you have to to survive. I’m still alive, and heavier 6 mos later. I quit eating and started running when it got tough. Where you bounce from has no relation to where your person should reside. I dropped about 8# dropping booze for 10 days while on antibiotics. It’s a painful way to cut calories, but nothing bad has ever happened to me cause I cut down on booze. nothing. ever. That’s the easiest way I’ve found to get leaner. Yes it sucks. ok bye

  • Anonymous

    I changed over to the Paleo way of eating, per my doctors
    Suggestion. It’s worked well and I feel good. I do track my
    Food at My Fitness Pal and also do Jillian’s DVDs.
    They kick butt and are short. Good luck to you,
    Couldn’t imagine living with a talented baker/chef!

  • Anonymous

    Happiness makes you fat. Yes. I concur. ;~)

    I was a guinea pig for a new book being written, starting in October, 2010. It’s now been published and is a best-seller, written by a doctor affiliated with The Doctors TV show. The 17 Day Diet. I cannot recommend highly enough. Lost 8 pounds in the first two weeks. 20 pounds in 2 1/2 months. I was supposed to exercise 300 minutes a week. I exercised…once. In all that time. And the weight still came off. By the end of the first week, I had NO cravings. It was bliss! No. I do not get paid anything by them, nor was I paid to be a guinea pig. The payment, for me, came in rediscovering ME, feeling good in my skin, and not being exhausted/self-conscious/uncomfortable anymore (It was kind-of fun to go in and shoot my testimonial, too, which aired on both The Doctors and Dr. Phil. ;~)). The book’s title is deceiving, yes. There are different phases of 17 days each. “Diet” isn’t a bad thing. “Diet” used to be a noun. People have turned it into a verb. “Diet” as a noun just means how you eat; not what you do, short-term, to lose weight. Seriously. Love it. Love it. LOVE IT.

  • Anonymous

    I am married to a chef/cook. It’s kind of a nightmare. I mean, it’s wonderful since there’s so much deliciousness. But it’s a nightmare because there’s SO MUCH deliciousness.

    I would suggest NOT doing a diet/lifestyle (whatever the hell you want to call it) that requires you to cut entire food groups. It’s hard and can be difficult when you eat out or with friends etc. Instead, I would focus on portion control…you CAN eat delicious things! It can be done! I promise!

  • Manczka1

    I lost 63 lbs. And have kept it off for 3 years. Here is what I did:

    Started with weight watchers online. No meetings talking about how fat I was and how much I love ice cream…..online and mobile device apps were all I needed. Their iPhone app is really useful and I still use it for maintainence 3 years later.

    After I lost My initial 20lbs on ww. I began running. I had run and swam and done spinning in th past. This time, though, it was different. I signed up to run a marathon and began with The Couch To 5K program. It also has an outstanding free app that helps you follow the program. After that, I followed Ha Higdon’s Free Beginner 18 week marathon Training Plan.

    The rest is history. I’m proud to say that I have run 3 full marathons, 1 sprint triathlon, 1 Olympic Triathlon, and will run two more marathons by the end of 2012.

    Signing up for the races really holds me accountable and makes me eat and train correctly.

    Good luck!

  • http://twitter.com/Succotashed Succotashed

    (sorry, please delete)

  • http://www.team-suzanne.blogspot.com Team Suzanne

    Oh my god I think you have to lose the baker/chef boyfriend. I’m guessing this isn’t feasible or desirable? It just doesn’t seem possible to yoga, pilates, run, walk or cardio your way out of that kind of temptation and overall caloric intake.

    Screw it. Keep him and the fat. You only live once.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve got nothing. I’ve been eating really healthy for the past 6 months and despite feeling really good, I haven’t shed a pound. The weight thing is a bitch, man. I’m really unhappy with my weight and not looking forward to what it is going to take to get it off, but I need to do something, too.

  • Becki

    51 here with the same SUCKY metabolism. 2009 lost 30 pounds and have gained 10 back but actually ok with that because the gain has stayed at 10 so I havent gone nuts. But, like you, am going to start working on those 10.

    Key point – do NOT get rid of all of your food vices at one time. I gave up one thing a week or so – the first week it was those wonderful, yummy, flavored coffee creamers. Didnt realize I was adding hundreds and hundreds of calories a week.

    100 calorie packs of treats are AWESOME. As long as you only have one or two a day.

    Ya gotta cut cheese for awhile – that was the second thing I gave up. Have added it back since but then went way too far again so that’s going . . .sigh . . .I stopped measuring it and that’s what did me in.

    Overall – at 51 with the lower metabolism? Portion control is the key.

  • http://twitter.com/vanessajubis Mama Scribble

    You’re young! Repeat: ‘I AM YOUNG!’ Mind over body is *key* 41 is NOT old.

    Next: Remove the pressure of ‘I need to have lost X pounds by Y date’ (if you’ve thought of this) Pressure equals stress and stress equals the release of MORE cortisol hormone in your mid section. We’re mothers, we’re stressed as it is.

    Lastly, eat what you like, in *moderation* Throw in healthier stuff as you go along. Please, don’t starve yourself. Your body is naturally equipped to sniff out a famine and it will naturally keep you ‘overweight’ in case no more food is in the near future. Do eat more often and smaller portioned. This is how you ‘trick’ your metabolism. Exercise when you can. Don’t beat yourself up if you couldn’t get to or get through an intense routine. Once a week go crazy and eat all the things you’re working hard to avoid. This shock to your system is needed for weight shedding.

    Every*body* is different. Every person responds to food differently. I’m sure you know exactly what your body can or cannot handle it’s simply a matter of honing in on it and doing your best. That’s all. Do your best and forget the rest :)

    Vanessa ;)

  • http://hotmessmom.com/ Hotmessmom

    My poor readers are on Week Number Two of my rants about dieting. I gained 25 pounds from July 2011- January 2010. And I earned every single pound. I have been on a food/booze/fun bender. Never without immediate gratification. I did this to myself. And now it’s time to pay the piper. And it sucks. But, like you… my number of chins is in direct correlation to how much fun I’ve had that month. So now I’m on a cleanse. And weight watchers. And the Advocare 24-day challenge. I’ve got speaking engagements coming up and must be able to fit into my clothes. Lord.
    And I will tell you.. my friends (and husband) prefer me “fat and happy”.. I am not much fun when dieting.

    {btw~ just found your blog. I like! }

    ~~~HMM
    hotmessmom.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=604940166 Lisa Bralts-Kelly

    Paleo or low-carb. I KNOW.

    I’m 43 and my metabolism has slowed. I quit eating most wheat and, after a couple weeks of OMG WTF CAN I EAT, I discovered I didn’t get as hungry as often. I don’t work out as much as I should (I tend to hibernate in winter), but I’m not gaining any weight and might even be losing a little bit. The bloat is gone. I eat meat and eggs and lots of vegetables and some cheese and some fruit. And sometimes I eat carbs.

    I eat brown rice, I eat corn. I occasionally eat beans & legumes, though they’re frowned upon in paleo circles. I don’t eat wheat or potatoes or white rice. I don’t eat funky grains, because I don’t have time right now to learn how to cook them.

    I have not quit drinking beer.

    I feel better. I also am coming to terms with the fact that I will never again look like I did when I was 32 and in the best shape of my life. That’s a huge part of the battle, IMO.

  • Anonymous

    Happiness totally makes us fat. Exercise, yes. Eat healthfully, judiciously, yes. Don’t cut out what you love, just slow down and savor it. I like the MyFitnessPal app. Plug in your goal weight, it gives you a calorie limit. Diary your daily meals and exercise. It’s a real eye opener. I’ve used other apps but what I love about this one is at the end of the day, you click “Complete this entry” and it tells you what your weight will be in 5 weeks’ time if you keep it up. That’s been a real motivator for me (I’m wanting to shed 5 lbs before I have to wear a bathing suit in April).

    That saying ” Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”? Sounds so shallow, but having battled with weight myself (and finally won, in terms of getting it off and understanding how to keep it off), I get it. Don’t get me wrong, I live to eat

  • Anonymous

    (cont)… but feeling good enough in my skin to walk around naked? Chasing my kids on the beach without being conscious of thigh jiggle? Sitting without making stomach rolls (or stomach roll sweat in summer)? Running up stairs without being winded? That feels so much better than anything tastes. You can do it.

  • Anonymous

    Yeah, all the weight I lost when I was going through divorce? it’s all back. And then some, probably. I feel you – I just haven’t quite yet worked up the energy to get my ass off the couch and deal with it. SOON.