doggie boot camp.

this morning i dropped truman off at a local dog trainer's home for some intensive, week-long in-house whipping-into-shape. it recently became clear to both jamie and i that, despite our best intentions and hopes to be all DIY and shit with the dog's training, neither one of us has the time to really get truman under control and trained... and i had this nightmare where i woke up two years from now and we had THE MOST PSYCHOTIC AND POORLY-ADJUSTED DOG EVER. in this dream, we kept him in a small, dank corner of the basement tied to an old rusty radiator, surrounded by the rended carcasses of disemboweled chew toys -- a kind of subterranean version of The Madwoman in the Attic. increasingly, this nightmare seemed like a real possible future. plus there's the piranha-like nipping and the knocking-down of toddlers like bowling pins to be considered (he's a small dog, but with a good running start his body transforms itself into a fuzzy, fawn-colored cannonball).

basically, our dog kicked our ass, so we're calling in the professionals.

we'll be paying several hundred dollars for this pleasure of course, but it will be worth it if he comes back even mildly under control. best-case scenario: his spirit will have been entirely broken, and he'll return transformed into something akin to a medium-sized tan suede handbag; easily transported, pliable, and soft to the touch. a girl can dream.

let this serve as a lesson to you: dogs -- but especially puppies -- are WORK. had i known exactly how much work, i doubt we would be in this position now, as i would've gone ahead and given in to jamie's desire for another kidlet BECAUSE A PUPPY IS EQUIVALENT TO THE WORK INVOLVED IN HAVING A CHILD. anyway, good thing we didn't opt for the procreation path; if i've learned anything through this experience it is that we are in no way ready to have yet another living thing to take care of -- presuming we don't want that living thing to devolve into psychosis and sociopathic behavior.

yeah, umm, thanks but no thanks. i'll pass.

Comments

[Neckbone]

God I wish we'd done that with our dog when she was a puppy. She's horrible around other animals and barks at people- she's a big pain in the ass.

[xlt]

There will be no puppy in our near future, thanks. I mean, before the reality of having children, we thought perhaps owning a Pug or French Bulldog would be fun. At this point I've decided there will be no dog until the kids ask me for one. And they can take care of it, too.

Yes, I'm the mean daddy. Tough darts, los ninos.