oh, the guilt OR: how i learned to stop worrying and love capitalism.

i've been thinking a lot lately about this blog, about what it means to me and why i do it, about how much time i spend working on it and posting to it, and about the community of people who read it. to paraphrase my friend marybeth: i love this blog and want to have its babies. it makes me feel connected to the world, but more specifically, it makes me feel connected to a lot of really fucking cool people who i'd otherwise never have known existed. i'm kind of done justifying it, or my feelings about it. it honestly makes me happy -- happier than most anything else in my life other than jamie and M_ -- and it is therefore inherently valuable to my life. period.

that said, it is a major time-suck, which is both a good and bad thing. it keeps me busy, it gives me a “project” to direct some of my creative energies toward, and it allows me to have what i feel like is a real voice in a world, which -- because i'm a stay-at-home mom and therefore somewhat isolated -- i don't think i'd otherwise have. that's the upside of the time-suck. on the downside, it keeps me from doing a lot of other things i probably should be doing, like laundry and cleaning.

okay, so maybe there is no real downside. heh.

no, but seriously, i spend A LOT of precious time and energy on this, which lately has got me to thinking of how i can make it even just a smidgen more self-sustaining. as with rock-n-romp -- my other little project -- i've never thought once about trying to convert this into some sort of money-making endeavor. i'm no dooce* and don't ever expect to be, but considering the labor involved it would be nice if i could somehow generate some small amount of money from this -- just enough to cover hosting each year would be glorious. i feel a little queasy even talking about this, but since everything i'm doing right now (blog, RnR) is non-profit, i'm costing our family money with my little projects while contributing ZIP financially. which, as my other stay-at-home friends can tell you, does tend to wear a little on one and generate some twinges of guilt.

so it is with apprehension and reluctance and some honest-to-god anxiety that i've done two things: 1. put a couple links in the right-hand sidebar for donations, and 2. i signed up with amazon associates (who through some complicated formula i don't quite understand pays site owners for clicks to and purchases of products via links on their site). i expect the latter of the two to generate... well, not much, honestly. but a few cents here, a few there... as for the donations, i have very little to say about it. i'm not going to beg you all to send me money, but if you enjoy what i do here -- if i amuse and entertain you regularly, and if you feel the spirit move you -- throw a buck or two or whatever into my e-tip jar as you would a street performer's guitar case (or don't; i'll still love you anyway). please note: I PLAN TO NEVER MENTION EITHER OF THESE THINGS AGAIN; i just thought i owed it to all of you to send out a heads-up. ...and now please excuse me while i go throw up.

but before i projectile-hurl from anxiety-overload about taking this step that i obviously feel somewhat conflicted about, let me add: nothing has changed. i swear to fucking christ i'm not going to start posting 50 gazillion links to amazon products a day like some skeezy dork. i may be a dork, but i sure as hell ain't skeezy. i will link to things as i would've before: because i love something and want to share it with ya'll, as with my last entry about Mr. Lunch. i would've made that very same entry before, linking to the books on amazon just as i did today, whether i was getting .5-cents-per-click (or whatever it is) or not. those books are freaking awesome and you should have them -- buy them from powell's or wherever for all i care. werd.

a final note: i hesitated and hesitated to put up the donation links because, let's face it, there are more worthy causes right now. if you've got some extra cash to donate at this time and haven't yet contributed toward hurricane relief for those in the gulf, i strongly encourage you to do so before giving me *anything.*

okay, that's it. xanax, anyone?

*meaning, of course, that i don't now and never expect in the future to have an audience even approaching hers, thus even if i wanted to make money here that's sort of an impossibility. just wanted to clarify that point and note that i think dooce *should* be making money off her site -- she's fucking dooce, people. i love dooce, everyone loves dooce, and if you don't there's probably something wrong with you and you might wanna have that looked at. finis.

Comments

[Michelle]

The angst in that post is palpable.

[supa]

indeed.

I should hope that anyone reading this knows you well enough to understand your reasons for these things. And knows that you've got way too much integrity to insistently start shaking your cup at passersby.

Good on you. We'll never speak of this again. Relax. And I'll toss a tip into the jar.

[sweetney]

michelle: yeah, writing it was hard, but the nausea afterward is *stunning.*

supa: thanks for the kind words. the emotional/psychological complexity of taking this step for me is fairly epic... so much so that words sort of fail. in any case, yes on the never speaking of it again -- denial always makes things all better!

[Michelle]

I'm a sucker for angst - I sent you a Abe.

[Kari]

Do you know the details of the clicks? Like can we repeat-click, or would it only register as one click per hour or other time frame? Because if we all clicked on a couple ads every time we read your site, maybe that would add up.

[Dominique]

Go for the cash. Been enjoying your site for awhile. One thing really struck me - I'll try not to create a soap box, so if this is too nauseating, please delete it (you won't offend).

You said, "...while contributing ZIP financially..." That stay-at-home-mom thing really contributes to your household expenses in a big way. Think of the cost of a nanny. In my metro region, I think it would be $400-$500 per week. But nanny's get off at 6pm. What would it cost to pay her over-time? Like until 10pm because after getting the kids to bed and cleaning up after them and preparing the clothes and lunches for the next day, it's pretty much time to call it a day for yourself. Most nannies don't do major housekeeping so add on another $50-100 per week. And I don't even know what it would cost to have a personal helper deal with all the mail, pay the bills on time, drop off/pick up dry cleaning, grocery shop, decorate for holidays, plan and execute birthday parties, make your kids the absolutely cutest Halloween costume of their dreams, let them know they are so wanted, so valued and their parents are always available when they need them. I could go on.

I'd read a study recently that a stay-at-home-parent (I seem to run into quite a few dad's choosing this job - for good reason) contributes about $50k to $75k per year in labor. For me it seemed absurd to spend as much as I make in order to preserve the quality of life that I maintain by staying home - that and I LOVE having more time with my daughter.

Yeah, I know that it's possible to do it all, work while the kid's in school and afterschool, rush home to make dinner while everyone is tired and starving, run around all weekend trying to get all the errands complete before starting it all over again. Consider the degradation in the quality of life. Hats off to all the parents who do it anyway.

Okay, you've probably thought of all this. So ranting aside, you're blog warrants no explanation. You've chosen a great hobby :)

[jenn]

she's fucking dooce, people

I'm pretty sure Jon is fucking Dooce.

Back to lurking...