the f word.

that would be forgiveness, peoples. sheesh.

imagine if you will: someone you consider a friend inexplicably and without warning turns on you and hurts you real bad, messes with your mind, attempts to discredit you amongst mutual friends and acquaintances, and generally causes all kinds of unwarranted anxiety and drama with you individually, as well as within a larger circle of friends. you (and the larger circle) cut off all contact with this someone, and they kind of magically disappear, despite living mere blocks from you. then a year goes by, and you run into this person quite by chance, and they (in an unexpectedly noble turn) have the guts to approach you and apologize for the debacle in what seems like a genuine, thoughtful way. what do you do with that?

i guess this boils down to what exactly forgiveness means, and whether it is inherently an external reconciliation between two people or something one internally processes as the forgiver separate from the forgivee (if you will). and to what end? do we forgive to free ourselves from the past? to reconcile and rekindle? to take the high road? to make peace or keep the peace? to make the other person feel better, and thereby ourselves as well?

my nature is such that my immediate inclination -- in an almost knee-jerk sort of way -- is to heap on the forgiveness, piling at the feet of anyone asking for it a mushy tower of exoneration comparable in size and consistency to the mashed potato devil's tower richard dreyfuss built in close enounters (mmm.... forbidden tower). but then i'm famously a sucker -- or, as my mother has chided since grade school, “too trusting” -- and i'm trying really hard to be more considered in situations such as this. plus another tendency of mine is to think things to death, so OF COURSE i have to commence with a philosophical exaM_tion of the conception and execution of forgiveness. god how i suck.

so yeah, that's where i'm at today.

Comments

[Erin]

Well stated. I am in a similar predicament but I hesitate to forgive because I think it implies that you want to "reconcile and rekindle," and I think that would be like taking a step backward. Or, do you just forgive and then go about your life as usual without having further contact? Is that possible?

[joy]

if you actually had something real with this person, then i say forgive. y'know that it won;t suddenly make everything the same at first (but it could be the making of a more solid relationship down the line). i also am the type to make those potato mountains, but even so you'll be wary for a bit (in my own experience with this, it was really painful, but we made up and were better off for it).

In the end (hopefully) the distrust'll pass. just because you say "ok" does not mean the slate is wiped clean, it just means that you are willing (for now) not to write that person off completely. if this person is worth this, at least, then go for it (but maybe let them be the proactive ones for a bit?)

good luck

[melissa]

i experienced something really similar with a friend of 20+ years who went through some bizarre identity/life changes and became an intolerable, catty, insecure and angry person. we had a falling out then reconciled at the urging of other friends and she assured me that the aforementioned issues were directly related to her appallingly un-friend like behavior. nothing was the same, she reverted back to treating me like garbage and we haven't spoken since. i think my tolerance for bullshit reached an all-time low and i couldn't face another interaction with her, so i moved on. not to be taken as advice, just my own little experience.

[debbie]

is this who i think it is? it's one thing to forgive what's happened in the past, but i think in this particular circumstance it's best not to forget, know hwat i mean?

[angela]

my nature is such that my immediate inclination -- in an almost knee-jerk sort of way -- is to heap on the forgiveness

Mine too. And to heap on the reconciliation. It's bitten me on the ass a couple times, but more often than not has been a good thing. And the couple of times it wasn't a good thing, I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to be a good thing but did it anyway because I was lonely or otherwise needy.

I mentioned elsewhere where I come down on the "what exactly is forgiveness" question, and so, using that definition, honestly? I would encourage you to forgive the person in question.

And here is where I would go babbling into comparisons to a different situation that I'm not going to make because a) internet and b) some things are in fact not about me. :P

[kaswea]

Hi there,

I've been lurking here for a few weeks but feel inspired to post, since I've recently been in a similar situation. I think forgiveness should be based on what's right for *you,* not just for the other person. And that applies to both the internal (how you feel about the other person) and the external (how you behave)--these are 2 separate things and they can change in any order.

I mean, you can forgive her in your heart but still not want to hang out with her. Or you can spend time with her again (if you feel like it) and see how you feel.

My 2 basic forgiveness levels are:
1. "I'm OK with you." I can be pleasant to the other person when I meet by accident or in a groups. But I make it clear that I don't want to resume one-on-one friendship--the trust is gone and I'm not interested in rebuilding it.

2. "I forgive you and am ready to start over." If the person is worth it and seems genuinely willing to mend the relationship, then we have to put some work into building a new friendship. We have to air out all of the issues from the first time around, not just the ones the person apologized for (this can happen over time). And gradually I extend my trust, until I see the person deserves it.

Guess there's a third option too: non-forgiveness, where my feelings and my behavior toward the other person don't change at all. But that's an uncomfortable place for me to stay long-term.

Sorry for the dissertation. I'm sure you'll work it out.

I really enjoy your blog--thank you for your words.

[Clint]

Shew...boy did that strike a chord. Seems like there are a lot of people in this boat as of lately. I am with all of you.

I am in a bad situation with a close friend of mine. Nothing either one of us tries to do helps the situation.

I am all for forgiving and forgetting. That's how it is supposed to be. If we keep looking behind us we are going to run into the future, and the future is the big kid in the lunch line. Right? Plus, who wants to be sore on a particular topic for any extended amount of time anyway? It's best to get it behind you and make jokes about it.

It all comes down to wether or not you are being true to your self. If you want to forgive this person, do it. Even if you are hesitant. If you truly question forgiving this person, then don't. No one has the right to tell you you made the wrong choice.

Also, good luck to everyone else in this type of situation. I know I will need it. :^)

[el Choco]

I came across an interesting factoid in a book about gender differences: when two men fight, that strengthens their relationship and they have a greater understanding of one another. (Like those olde time duels.) When girls fight, it almost always means the end of the relationship. Once girls get to the point of direct confrontation, the relationship is already over and the fight is a formality.

Anyway, I agree with a previous "caller"-- forgive (within yourself), because carrying anger is bad for your health. And what the hell, tell her you forgive her, asking for forgiveness takes a lot of courage. But that does not mean eschewing the company of nice, good people to spend one's time getting set up again to be treated badly.

I hate to say it, but I don't think people really change. Or at least it's very rare and it usually comes after a near-death experience, menopause, Finding Jesus or going to jail.