having had enough of it all...

friends, i am a beaten-down shade of a human being.

the past two days pummeled my ass into a frothing pulp. the ladies in da house will understand: twas the first two days of my monthly ordeal (and by the way, we need to come up with some better code words for menstruation -- i'm beyond the whole 'grandma coming to visit' shtick; help me out here, peoples), so i was pulled between two loathesome poles: utter physical exhaustion and temporary psychosis. at some point yesterday i decided: 1. life is a meaningless charade; 2. i am the worst mother in the history of forever; 3. i hate everyone, and the feeling is mutual; 4. everything exists merely to mock me -- for while i struggle, the world should STOP, not continue on as before, as if my misery was irrelevant in the grander scope of things. dammit.

another fun i'm-crazy-for-at-least-one-week-a-month tidbit: i somehow begin to think that i have powers of premonition, or that merely thinking about things may somehow will them into being. example: this morning i suddenly had this heart-stoppingly visceral sense, completely unprompted and out of the blue, that jamie had just been in a car accident. and for at least a few moments, this seemed utterly real. then i snapped out of it, and remembered: oh yeah, I'M CRAZY THIS WEEK, and shook it off. ALL BETTER!

finally, as if to just add youthful flair to my own personal carnival of angst, M_ has been going through this phase.... at least i hope its a phase, because if this is who she's becoming permanently, i may need to jump the first flight overseas and assume a new identity or something... anyway, to say my child is challenging right now would be an understatement: her stock response to everything right now is “NO.” she fights me on every imaginable issue -- there's hardly an event large or small throughout the day that isn't magically transformed into a seething nexus of conflict. because of this, in the past week i've had to physically carry her screaming, flailing form from at least three different public places on three wholly separate occasions. I AM BURNT, AND I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS... uhh DID I?!?! [gulp]

so yeah, umm [cough], that's what i've been up to. you?

Comments

[Paige]

After I cleaned up a happy face made entirely of poop, I forced my son to sing the alphabet song with me for the internet.

This week sucked. Except for LOST!

[sweetney]

oh my god, i can't believe i haven't talked about LOST here. dude, that was a writer's showcase episode -- the writing was totally in top form. that's your emmy noM_ted episode for writing right there for sure.

[Ceece]

hmm sorry things are sucking! when adam goes up there next week, you can just come down here to Louisville! you know switch spots. wheeee!

at least they don't call it getting your menses anymore...eewww for some reason that term makes me shudder.

Cruisin' the crimson wave perhaps(a la clueless)

[stillheidi]

I hear ya on the whole parenting thing. I feel like if I didn’t have kids, I would have regretted it so, I had’em and I’m glad. But, now that I have’em there are days when I’m all like, ‘Holy shit, what have I gone and done? You mean these little people NEED me? Like, all the time? Fuck!’ I feel like my brain never gets a break. So, I'm sorry you have spent the past few days in fucksville...It'll pass...but, you know that.

Also, we are headed down to Baltimore tomorrow morning for my friend Mike's 30th birthday party. I love your city, I think we are going to try and do that Port Discovery kids museum thing this time. Be warned...if I ever see you on the streets, or someone who looks like you, I'm going to get all crazy on your ass and scream and run towards you yelling "SWEETNEY"...so, you might want to secure that restraining order now...I'm just saying.

[debbie]

wow. i really do think we're all on the same cycle. today i feel like i'm suffocating and losing my mind. yes, i'm ON THE RAG. that's due for a comeback, dontcha think? heh.

[Sami]

::raises hand::

My Aunt Flo's visiting this week too. And I've been in "fucksville" all week as well -- stillheidi, I am so integrating that word into everyday usage now!

[Karen Rani]

Writing about our funky feelings and our "R_" coming seems to be contagious, although I have tried to gloss over it (with poop and dog farts, mind you)since I found out my father-in-law is reading and has critisms. Great. Let's hope this week disappears at midnight. I'm SO done with it.

[heather]

I prefer the code words "the communists are in the summer house", it's just a lot cooler than "aunt flo" (which I've always hated!).

[kelly]

cycling together when I'm a lurker, at that. Freaky.

Just come out and say it...like I do to my husband whenever he's asking why I'm so weak and lazy and pale...

bleeding like a stuck pig...

That's me.

but methinks I'll adopt heather's "the communists are in the summer house."

that's some funny shit.

[Ozma]

Your post made me sad. Because I'm always like that. It's not just one week a month, it's all month. Or maybe: One week a month (on average) I'm not -cidal in any way (homo, sui, fratri, matri, patri, etc.)

The Communists are in the summer house!

[Belinda]

I cannot believe what I've just read. Because it almost perfectly mirrors my own blog entries of the last couple of weeks, from the impossible child to "that time." Searching "uterus" on my blog will bring up all KINDS of fun stuff. Ugh.

And I just call it "The Claw."

[sweetney]

'the communists are in the summer house' and 'the claw' are AWESOME, ladies. i may begin using both of these interchangably, immediately.

the interweb so rules.

[julia]

"seething nexus of conflict"?

your carnival of angst becomes you, Sweetney. I love your writing so much that it brings me calm and peace ... in the face of the crapheap that is my life right now.

[shan]

"riding the cotton pony" (my personal fav)
"surfing the crimson wave"
"bleedin' like a stuck hog"
"on the rag"

[jenB]

maybe a different term for each month! since i only get mine once or twice i year i cannot indulge in the variety. don't be jealous, its a ovarian cyst problem, not just a fun no-period thing.

i also feel the parental conflict angst right now. i feel like all i say is NO. NO DON'T JUGGLE THE KNIVES. NO DON'T EAT THE CAT FOOD. etc.

and you are awesome sweetpea

jen

[supa]

Oh darlin'! Here. I've got some beer. Let's have another LOST party and drown your troubles. [that's healthy, right?]

You're a stellar mom to M_. She's just ... three. Three is like, a very unfair age. You should be able to just fastforward over three.

down with The Claw. Up with, uh, more jello.

[styro]

Three words: Continuous Birth Control. Unless you want to keep the options open for M_ V.2

[joy]

"I've got the painters in" I am not sure if I am enamored or horrified with this one.

I am sad to hear how shitty that week is for you, sweetney:( I know that recently, that week leading up to the painters coming round has been increasingly shit for me too. I don't recognize myself--hate everything, everyone, mainly self. i have to keep reminding myself that "it's not me, it's my hormones." ugh. I have to say, this has escalated since coming off the pill (I think!)

my own boy is definitely there with M_. Maybe they are channelling one another. No to everything, and shouting and answering back in the most brattish and ungratefl ways. "Look Jack, aren't those christmas lights pretty?" "NO! Christmas lights are HORRIBLE!" This is a mere taste of what he is like at the moment. Delightful..

[Rebecca]

"Getting my oil changed."