Lessons for the prospective home seller from a jaded prospective home buyer.

Ed note: I haven't laughed this hard since watching “Office Space” drunk. Thanks, Amanda! [Earlier posts from this series here and here.]

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The internet is a powerful tool that can help you reach thousands of potential buyers in your area. Why, even the dumpiest of dumps can appear respectable and desirable with the right words and photos in its online listing. But by the same token, you can put off even the most desperate buyers (ahem) with the wrong mix of price, description, and photo. Because I am all about being helpful, here are some “don'ts” when listing your property online.*

1) Choose to sell on a realty Web site actual homes and land ONLY. You'd think this would be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised what people will list on real estate sites. For example, this oversized cutesy doghouse belongs on Ebay, not Remax.com.

House shown at actual size

(And it won't sell on Ebay for $119K either.)

Likewise, this carport is probably better suited to Craig's List. I don't think it will fetch $160K there, though. Maybe if you threw some picnic tables under it and called it a campsite...

Why does this carport have a mailbox?

2) Select a flattering photo of the house's exterior and remove all unnecessary clutter from the yard. Otherwise, expect to get phone calls from sarcastic bitches (ahem) asking if the tires convey.

Are they snow tires? 'Cause I could use some of them.
Will they fit a '97 Geo?

3) Just as important as the exterior photo are the interior ones. Another no-brainer? USE A FLASH. Grainy, dingy photos work against you here. You want bright and clear photos, photos that show off the home's assets and give a real sense of the space. You need proper and adequate lighting to do that, because you want potential buyers to see these photos and feel a connection, a sense of belonging, the warm and fuzzies, the idea of “Home.” This photo's vibe isn't so much “Home” as it is “It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.”

Closets big enough for all your skin suits

(Also: what is with the Poltergeist door? It's some kind of portal to Hell, isn't it? I knew it...)

4) When writing your home's description, keep hyperbole, capitalization, and the use of exclamation points in check. Yelling, even via computer screen, doesn't help sell your home. In fact, it makes this reader cringe and scroll on by, like I did with this frantic, all-over-the-place paragraph. Seriously, this is like the written-description equivalent of a coked-out Gilbert Gottfried:

WONDERFUL TOWNHOUSE. BRICK FRONT, LOTS OF WINDOWS, WOOD FLOORS, W/W CARPET, MASTER BED & BATH W/ WALK IN AND 2 OTHER SPACIOUS BED ROOMS W/ANOTHER FULL BATH AND 1/2 BATH. EAT IN KITCHEN, SEPERATE DINNING ROOM AND LARGE FAMILY ROOM LEADS TO NEW DECK. HUGE REC ROOM IN BASEMENT WITH FIRE PLACE AND LOTS OF STORAGE. HOUSE SHOWS GREAT!!!! THIS HOME IS A MUST SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fifteen exclamation points? Really? 'Cause I think only the announcement of the actual Second Coming warrants that kind of end punctuation.

5) Make sure the accompanying map is user friendly. For example, I don't know anyone who owns or otherwise uses Microsoft MapPoint software. So, if you're going to use a somewhat unpopular program (meaning not Mapquest), at least include a legend with your property's map. For example, the little purple doodad in the map below? It designates a school. But I saw it and said, “Oh shit, we can't move there. There's a Medieval Times in the neighborhood.”

Hell to the no.

I can't be living around those nutty wenches and squires getting drunk on their mead and causing a ruckus on the weekends after a tournament. What if they hop on the saddle after a night of too much ale and drunkenly joust each other right where I live, where I'm trying to raise my kids? Forget it. We can't live near Medieval Times.**

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*I didn't doctor a thing. These are all legit.

**And we're talking about a woman who actually once lived at an apartment complex whose main gate was this crenellated masterpiece:

I wish I were kidding.

Comments

[MeL]

Coffee. In the nose. It burns.

I'm having PTSD flashbacks of house hunting in DC/Virginia. Soooo wrong, people.

My body is going into spasms attempting to laugh and shudder at the same time.

[mike]

Hahaha...spectacular. Makes me think we dodged a huge bullet (or jousting sword, if you will) on our recent purchase. Heck, a little water in the basement's better than poltergeists and drunken wenches at your doorstep.

Crap. I knew we should have included the drunken wenches when we closed the deal.

[joy]

"Closets big enough for all your skin suits"

fucking genius. thanks for the snorts this morning, amanda! (and helpful real estate tips)

[noelle]

Super funny. I too loved the Silence of the Lambs comment. Selling a home is a real bitch lately, no sense in making it harder than it has to be. We had someone tell our realtor they didn't want to buy our house b/c of the type of trees on the yard. I wish they had just said they didn't like it rather than insult my poor ashes and maples...

[Jill]

We found our current house when our agent picked it as one that had similar features to others we found online. It was empty when we were shown around; we liked it and put in the offer. It was after the offer was accepted that I found the listing for it online and saw the pictures. YIKES!

The living room had about 4 or 5 cat jungle gyms and the family room had a distorted picture of a big screen TV with some scary looking guy on the screen and a giant REAL bird on the floor.

If I'd seen those before, I probably wouldn't have given this place a chance.

[Gillian]

But...I've been looking everywhere for a house with a dinning room. Usually I have to do my dinning in the garage. Thanks for this, it is priceless.

[Belinda]

Dangit, that "dog house" just better NOT be MY house, which JUST got listed yesterday, and yes, for $119,900. Love or not, I will hunt you down. Seriously--THIS IS MY LISTING.

Get back to me.

[la dolce vita]

OMG, I just about fell off my chair over the Silence of the Lambs pix...as I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing when I saw the photo. I even got all cracked up again later telling the hubs about it and then my mom. BTW, they too really enjoy Sweetney vicariously through me. I think my mom thinks your a friend of mine that I hang out with all the time since I'm always telling her about something hilarious you said.

Thanks for yet another laugh!

p.s. I'm taking my real estate license exam next week and shall carry a copy of this post with me in my shirt pocket, close to my heart. Wish me luck.

[amanda]

No, Belinda, that's not your house. It's not even in the same state as your house.