“Self-Indulgence: a Primer”

I just spent the last half-hour reading customer comments on Amazon.com regarding Ethan Hawke's novel The Hottest State (yes, THAT ETHAN HAWKE). And yeah, hello and welcome to the sort of crap I do in my 'downtime.' Anyway, some of these reviews border on the poetic... if poetry were blood-tinged bile, that is. Taken altogether, the intensity of reader's responses presents a wholly separate sort of meta-narrative drama. My favorite scathing break-down of the moment:

The horror, June 15, 2000
Reviewer: “phaidros23” (New York, NY)
At first I was impressed at Hawke's ability to string together words to form sentences, which then made paragraphs, which followed from then on in logical sequence. At least the guy put words on paper, and managed to turn out 200 pages. But his writing becomes worse as it goes along, descending from the starting point of “competence” and ending in “bilge”. You get the feeling that his editor just quit halfway through the book. And who can blame him? Ethan Hawke is one self-absorbed, pitiful dude. His daddy abandoned him. His mother had him when she was quite young, and then had boyfriends after her divorce. Shocking. He likes to punch things and break furniture. And as if life weren't cruel enough, he's from Texas.

I started to become truly disappointed about 50 pages into the book when I realized that the entire story was going to be about “William” and “Sarah” and what is surely the most pathetic little love affair ever put to paper. She won't sleep with him. This is a real departure for our handsome actor character. But he really really likes her. He might even love her. Hawke finally bags her in a Paris hotel room, in a scene of almost clinical intimacy. Then she goes, like, all weird on him and dumps him on his return from New York. This is page 120. There are 80 more pages of him, like, being really bummed and wishing he gets her back. He doesn't. End of story, but not before some of his chilhood poetry is inserted for good measure, and he cries in front of a grade-school class while reading a children's story that strangely echoes his own disappointing relationship with his father.

Quit simply, the worst book I've ever read.

Well done, “phaidros23”, well done.

On the other hand, one could just go straight for the jugular -- as one reviewer under the handle “imaburr” did -- and flatly state: Nuclear proliferation and genocide are champagne picnics with a foot massage on a sunny day compared to reading this book.

Damn I love the internet.

Comments

[Maria]

Is it terrible that I laughed out loud?

Tell us what you really think, Internet!

[Claire]

heh. i read that book years ago and don't remember hating it that much.

[g-man]

Now you KNOW that somewhere out there is a person who is just enraptured by every page. They are probably thinking that Ethan was talking just to them! It is the best book ever. (The scary side of the internet)

[meno]

interesting that the average customer review is 4 stars.
I much prefer the snarky ones.

[Schnozz]

I read an Ethan Hawke book once. Ash Wednesday? Something like that? I thought it was good. I feel the need to say so now that I know poor Ethan is getting a stern talking-to in the Amazon reviews.

[Izzy]

I'm not some great writer or even an aspiring one but I still find it annoying and unfair that famous people can get stuff published even if it sucks. Of course, I don't actually know if his stuff sucks but those reviews are SCATHING!

That aside, I watched "Reality Bites" the other night and EH looked kind of hot. I suppose it's good he has that to fall back on in case the writing gig doesn't work out.