A Can't-Do Kind Of Gal

One of my poor, beleaguered husband Jamie's longest-standing complaints about me (and ohmygod, believe me there are many, since after all he's married TO ME) is that I am incapable of accepting criticism. That I can't hear a constructive critique regarding anything related to me or the things I do without almost immediately retreating into some kind of prickly, defensive posture. And when he points this out to me, I generally reply with something along the lines of “HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME, YOU HATEFUL SWINE! WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE!” Because, you know, I have this problem.

I remember hearing someone say recently, and I can't recall where, that everyone marries the person that will help them grow the most as people. That you marry the he or she who ultimately will not put up with your particular patented brand of bullshit, who will challenge you to become what in warm-n-fuzzy self-help speak they call fully actualized. And while a good part of me believes this -- nay, even hopes that its true -- another, perhaps even stronger part of me thinks: Dude, when you married me you knew where my weaknesses and defects lay... and now you want me to change? Was that in the fine-print of the marriage contract somewhere and I just didn't catch it? Because seriously, I don't remember signing up for becoming a better version of myself through all of this. I remember sickness and health, richer or poorer, but not better or betterest.

D'oh! I've been shanghied!

Honestly though, I'm trying to work on these things. To accept criticism gracefully and to not immediately go into defensive-I'm-being-attacked-mode when approached with a less than completely praiseful (that's a word, right?) evaluation of myself or something I do. Its difficult -- particularly when you SO know that you're 100% perfect and flawless, as I do -- but one must listen to others perspectives (or so I'm told). Even when those perspectives are so wrong that, when verbalized, the words sear your eardrums and make you want to gouge your own eyeballs out with rusty nails. Which, you know, is oftentimes the case.

In the interest of full disclosure, some other things I can't do:

• Drive a stick
• Play chess
• Listen to Opera without dozing
• See someone wearing a headband and not laugh
• Speak any foreign language fluently
• Eat crustaceans (SEA BUGS!)
• Cook (unless “cooking” means heating-by-microwave)
• Understand the allure of Paris Hilton
• Fold fitted sheets without turning them into rumpled, formless wads of cloth

And much, much more!

What can't you do, hmm?

Comments

[Meredith]

I can't ride a bike.

[joy]

I can't..
--Listen to Jazz
--Put things away
--Finish things
--Have "just one glass"
--put gas in the car. Even when it's on empty.
--Quit you... (snort!)

[Kelly]

I can't:

- pass my driving test
- take any test without having severe anxiety attacks that not even Ativan can touch
- knit
- give a shit about keeping my house tidy
- play Bionicles/dinosaurs/legos/whatever with my son for more than five minutes before I start whining about how boring it is.

[birdgal]

I can't relinquish control easily nor can I do work assignments without procrastinating, at least a little ;).

[Chase]

I can't snap my fingers. :(

[slouching mom]

I can't:

-listen to kid whining for even ONE second before I lose it completely.
-listen to Hillary Clinton's screechy voice, as much as I may agree with her politically (except her decision to support sending troops to Iraq).
-listen to my son talk about Pokemon world. Dude, talk to me about the real world, and I'll listen!
-cook for the life of me.

[DDM]

I can't
~spell several words without looking them up. every. single. time.
~get my behind off the couch lately.
~accept that I might not be able to be a functioning human without the use of anti-depressants.
~find complete body acceptance.
~take constructive criticism very well either.
~keep from freaking out about money issues.
(So. I think I just decided that I really do need to get medicated again. Thanks for your help.)

[sweetney]

DDM, i could've written your list verbatim myself. because another thing i can't do is function in a fashion resembling anything close to "normal" without a myriad of pharmaceuticals pumping through my veins. i'm broken. such is life. all hail drugs!

[Jill]

I can't:
-- Crochet, even though I've tried a hundred times
-- Take most celebrities serious, i.e. Donald Trump, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, etc.
-- Roll my tongue to pronounce things in Spanish
-- Quit being a habitual planner to a fault which brings on way too much stress
-- Get used to my husband's snoring after 12 years of marriage
-- Stand parents who won't remove a screaming child from a restaurant

[Meg]

I could teach you three of the things on your list, if you want:).

And I can't:

* Sew, though my mom makes wedding dresses.

* Program a VCR/DVD player

* Sit through a whole DVD

* Conceive children

* Stop deleting posts

* Be mean to people on the Internet

[Mrs. Davis]

I can't:

- remember to do things without writing them down
- relax when my house is messy
- stop drinking Diet Coke
- ask for help

(also can't fold fitted sheets, eat crustaceans, or speak a foreign language well)

[rothbeastie]

Hi. I can't...

1) tolerate people? who end all their sentences? like a question? even when it's a statement? you know?

2) watch certain surgical procedures (hip replacement, I'm looking at you!)

3) zip my winter jackets, I just let it flap open all damn season

4) seem to make it through one day of work without feeling like I'm going to take a nap on my desk

5) shave my legs or go to the gym on a regular basis

[Heather B.]

1) clean
2) cook
3) keep a budget
4) do HTML or CSS
5) use proper grammar
6) take a compliment
7) take unconstructive critcism
8) not be passive aggressive
9) stop swearing
10) Have just "a couple" of drinks

I really could go on and on and on with this, which might pose a problem one day.

[Dooce Fan!]

-Write in a crafty way
-speak to people I don't know in person
-not get mushy when I see a puppy
-stop surfing the internet
-cook a digestible meal
-be conned to an SCA meeting ever again
-not buy gadgets
-eat without getting food on my shirt
-be sad when I hug my Mom

[Mom101]

I can't read blogs with no paragraph breaks. Tried. Can't do it.

[BaltimoreGal]

To plagarize you all, I also cannot:
* Drive a stick
* Play chess
* Listen to Opera without dozing
* Speak any foreign language fluently
* Understand the allure of Paris Hilton
* Deal without antidepressants
* Take most celebrities seriously
*Give a shit about keeping my house tidy
*Relinquish control easily nor can I do work assignments without procrastinating
*Shave my legs or go to the gym on a regular basis
*Keep a budget
*Write in a crafty way

I also
* Cannot draw a straight line. Seriously.
* Cannot STAND crumpled paper. GAH.
* Cannot seem to find a date/man I like who also reciprocates to save my life.
* Cannot give up hope.

[Dana]

I cannot
- pee in a public bathroom unless it's totally empty.
- stand robots.
- love anyone who does not like the Cure.

[kim blah.]

I can't
- ice skate
- do higher math
- do the splits
- make pancakes well
- sing in public
- play team sports

Whew, glad that's off my chest.

[sweetney]

dana, i'm with you on the cure, but what have you against our robot friends?

robots goooooood, dana.

[Kyla]

I can't cook.
I can't fold those freaking fitted sheets.
I can't get a full night's sleep.

The last one is not my fault, BTW.

[lildb]

I can't

-exercise
-stop swearing
-avoid alcohol (it finds me, not the other route, swear)
-quit chewing my (nails/lip/pens/other sundry germ-ridden items)
-hold a job for longer than several months
-ignore my suicidal tendencies (even though I'm no longer the age where it's chic to be sucidal, which blows)
-not comment on posts this seductive

[Cate Ross]

Dude--I totally can't take criticism. Ever. At all. I also can't:

*plan dinner more than one day in advance
*live without my diet soda
*actually complete an order from Simon Delivers
*take a compliment well

I've decided to work on the last one. Only.

[jess]

pass algebra 11. six tries and counting.

[Sarah]

I can't

* swim
* bear slurpers and noisy eaters
* find the courage to take steps in my life I perhaps should
* speak German anything like as well as I can read and write it
* stop drinking ginger beer at the minute
* write everything I'm thinking of here

[Sadie]

I can't:

- believe you don't know how to drive stick! All my superheroes can drive stick.
- stop biting my nails unless I get gel or acrylic overlays because it's too expensive to eat those
- stop feeling like I am tricking the universe by being successful. Seriously, I keep waiting for everyone to discover I have no idea what I am doing.

[Cheryl]

I can't:
- stop making comments about fiance's driving.
- find an actual job.
- stop chewing on my bottom lip.
- eat small portions.
- find the motivation to update my blog.

[Mercy Less]

I can't:
-(music swells) help loving yooooouuuu...
-stop fidgeting in many forms, picking skin, pulling eyelashes, straightening eyebrows, pulling on earlobes, fussing with hair, pulling pills off my sweater, adjusting nose ring, you name it - my fingers are busy with it except when I sleep!
-stop smoking
-keep my house clean for more than 2 days
-study for more than an hour straight
-shave my body hair on any kind of a regular basis
-deal with my husband unless he's on his happy meds - better living thru chemistry!!
xxxooo (you said self-actualized, tee hee)

[dutch from sweet juniper]

Drive 55.

[Katie Kat]

I:
can't cook;
can't stop drinking wine every night even tho it gives me a WICKED ass headache (even just one glass y'all - DAMN);
can't walk past a crooked picture without straightening it (OCD to the max);
can't handle teenagers who wear their pants half way off their ass and their hat sideways (yes, I was young once, but... SERIOUSLY);
Cannot ABIDE the way my hubby drives.
Can't handle anyone saying "shhhhhhh" to me.
can't drive the speed limit unless I see a cop.

Oh, and can't stop lovin' Sweetney! ;)

[g-dog]

I can't -
- stop being cranky;
- swim;
- figure out what I want to do when I grow up;
- grow up;
- be empathetic;
- be sympathetic;
- really relax & let down my guard

I can -
- be pathetic;
- try to convince you that the criticism isn't personal;
- duck after saying #2;
- cook (and eat)

[Heather]

I can't
* play piano
* deal with risk
* communicate with my mother
* do a cartwheel anymore (which I found out at Thanksgiving on a dare from my husband's 10 year old cousin)