Its Sylvia Plathing Time

Hello internets! How are you? Good, good. Me? Uhh, not so good. I've been avoiding writing this post for a while. Or maybe not so much avoiding as feeling utterly incapable of putting my thoughts down in any coherent, readable way. The words, they do not come. Writer's block seems to go hand-in-hand with depression, always.

Because really, what do you say? Hello, I have a black cloud hanging over me. I feel like I'm living perpetually in a fog, and I can't seem to find my way out of it. Nothing seems worthwhile or joyous, or anything at all really except soul-numbing drudgery. Everyday I wake up and think: Oh, more of this.

And daylight lays its sameness on the wall.

I've been here before, of course, more times than I can count. And so you think I'd know how to find my way out of it by now, but no. Depression is so slippery, so adept at its mutations and variations, that whatever barriers I've built in the past are never enough to combat a new siege. It alters itself to slide through the smallest cracks in my defenses, an invisible virus burrowing itself into each cell in my body.

Yeah, not very interesting, is it? And so you see why I haven't written.

But I have nothing else to say, can think of nothing else, so I write.

To those of you that struggle with depression I ask, how do you proceed in moments like these? How do you manage to lift your head up above the surface again? How do you trudge forward and out of the fog and find some small scrap of yourself again?

I know from experience that depression is very individual. I know yours may not be like mine or mine like yours. But honestly, I could just use to hear some friendly, encouraging voices today. Voices that don't sound like the one droning constantly in my head -- which is my own voice, reminding me over and over in seemingly endless iterations how bleak and meaningless every single fucking thing is.

Comments

[Kaleigh]

I'm a full-on Southerner, so I do a lot of the "fake it till you make it" stuff when I'm feeling low. Act really chipper. Super chipper. And sometimes, just sometimes, it helps. Staying busy, getting outside, eating good food, being really gentle with yourself, those all help too.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Especially when you bring smiles to so many people. Seriously.

If I were even remotely close to Baltimore I'd come over and tell you stupid jokes for over an hour. Then you'd forget why you felt bad because you'd be busy trying to figure out how to kick me out of your house.

[Kaleigh]

Oh, and listen to a lot of New Order. But NO Joy Division. Okay?

[slouching mom]

no advice, cuz i tend toward anxious rather than depressed.

but please keep writing about it. we *do* want to hear about it.

and i'd imagine that getting it out in words must be therapeutic in and of itself, no?

xxoo

[Sami]

I'm so sorry you're having a low period. I'm going through an odd period right now -- I'm trying to wean myself off effexor very carefully and it's, well, not a lot of fun. Plus my wisdom teeth are coming in, so I'm a total blast right now. Check back next week when I fast to get the toxins out of my body. I'll be a hoot!

Back to you though. When I'm down the things that bring me up are things I don't want to do. All I want to do is lay around in bed and think about [bleak stuff I won't detail here since it won't help you]. So I've got to latch onto a teeny tiny piece of gumption and put myself out there. Either by calling a friend I haven't talked to in a while who I know will make me laugh or going somewhere I know I enjoy or, my personal favorite, retail therapy. I buy myself something I totally don't need. It doesn't even have to be big, just a new pair of shoes or some super pampering bath goodie or Godiva. Just letting myself do something for me and no one else helps make me feel better.

It's hard, but force yourself out of the sad, "safe" shell even if it's only for a minute at a time and eventually you'll start to feel normal. It's never just one magic thing that helps me, but a lot of little things together. Not a fast process, but it probably took a while to get depressed building under the surface so it isn't always easy to get out. I hope you feel better soon. :)

[dregina]

I tell myself, over and over, "What I'm feeling isn't real or accurate. I am experiencing a chemical imbalance." I just don't let myself believe what I'm thinking - I can't stop the thoughts from coming, and don't try - I just acknowledge them and try not to act on them/believe them. One of the most helpful things I ever heard about depression came from a book on anger written by Thich Nhat Hanh - he compared extreme emotions to a storm, and our bodies to trees. If you look at the top of a tree during a storm, it's blowing around all over the place. The trunk is strong and still, though - in the same way, our minds/thoughts get tossed around by the extreme emotions of depression or anger, and we need to come down out of our heads when we experience them - just come down to our hearts and lungs and focus on really simple things, like breathing. I have had times in my life where using these types of Buddist meditation/detachment exercises have been enough to get me through a bout of depression, and I've had times where I needed medication - my chemical imbalance needed chemical help getting reset. I know dealing with depression is incredibly hard to do when you're also mothering a small child. Blogland is rooting for you!

[Amy]

I usually reconnect with my counselor and physician and get my meds reviewed and set up weekly sessions. I am at the point where I know I need help to get through it and if I get on that sooner rather than later, I find it goes much smoother and I am less likely to travel down the huge tunnel of depression to despair.

[Maria]

When I'm blue (which I know isn't the same as being depressed), I go for funny books (usually southern lit), comfort food (anything with cheese, garlic, or mushrooms or all three), and/or doing something extra nice for someone. This probably doesn't help you though.

[curisngmama]

Tracey - I think you do say Hello, I have black cloud hanging over me. Because if you don't say it - it doesn't get better and nobody can offer help.

I know you did a med change not long ago - time to see your Doc? Time to see a counselor? Time to take a yoga class?

Feel free to email any time if for nothing more than to spill your guts to someone who understands.

Have you seen this?

http://tinyurl.com/2kjc8l

Its fantastic when you're on the other side - or when you're trying to find help.

[Tessa]

Tracy--

I understand. I've been there. Hell, I am there. Just as lost in the fog and the mire. All we can really do is acknowledge where we are a trudge forward to gain momentum. Anytime you need a shoulder or just an ear don't hesistate to contact me. Sometimes just getting it all OUT there is enough to lessen the burdern and the murk. :)

[smoore]

Tracy, thank you so much for sharing this post with us. Those of us who read your blog regularly and also suffer from depression really get a lot from hearing about your personal experiences on the subject. As for advice, I can only suggest things NOT to do, based on my own experience: don't drink alochol; don't listen to Elliot Smith (or similarly sad sounding stuff); don't isolate. When I'm depressed, these are exactly the things that I most want to do, but experience has shown me time and again that these are the absolute worst things I can do. I agree with Sami's comment above- getting yourself out of your safe "shell" is a good bet, even if it feels like the very last thing you want to do. Hope some of this helps, and remember we're all rooting for you!

[Editrix]

The Wellbutrin-Celexa cocktail I'm on now seems to be helping a lot, but when it doesn't, I tend to call up a couple of good friends (or have my bf do it for me if I'm feeling particularly phone-phobic) and go out to dinner and drink too much and tell them my woes.

For me, the most dangerous thing is isolating myself from people I adore and who care about me.

Any chance you and Jamie could get away for a weekend? Probably won't magically cure everything, but maybe a break from the routine would help.

Please be good to yourself, Tracey. I hope you feel better soonest.

[Kyla]

I, like SM, lean towards anxiety rather than depression, so I'm not qualified to share any experiences here. But I think you should talk about it...this is your space, we are your betches, let it out when you need to.

[missbanshee]

I loave you, Tracey. So eloquent for such a terribly hard time. I JUST got back from (one of) my shrinks (there are several, as I am a very complicated girl) All I can say is that making fabulous betches like you laugh on MamaPopTalk help me immensely. I might not be able to laugh, but making other people laugh is awesome.

[gabby]

Ok, so these suggestions might seem really lame, but they work for me:

- force yourself to smile. I know that sounds so...well, forced, but it's scientifically proven that smiling makes you feel happier.

- free-write your frustrations. By hand or by typing, give yourself a time limit and DO NOT STOP WRITING until that time limit is up. Try to mention everything that pisses you off or makes you sad. I know depression is often about a general sadness, not necessarily about something in particular, but I try to do this a lot and I include lots of cussing and writing things I would never let anyone read.

- I second the going out for drinks with friends thing. Talk about sex. Make fun. Don't get trashed, just don't leave until you find yourself smiling.

- Do you get enough time by yourself? Do you need some spa time? Do you need to smoke a joint?

[DDM]

Medication has been the answer for my huuuuuge downs. And right now...I'm dealing with a major loss and really feeling pretty bad about everything else in life too. But I'm not wanting to get back on meds because I will need to wean off of them in a couple months again anyway. So my current coping mechanism is to think of something I like to do, and no matter how badly the depression fights and screams "Noooooo!", I do it anyway. That's helping.
This weekend I'm going on a 3 hour drive to meet my girlfriends at a cabin and I'm hyping up the whole thing to ridiculous heights to get myself into the mood to do it. Because I know that I will be glad I did it once I get there. Truly, what I'm most excited about is the 3 hour drive by myself with very loud music and the CD's of my choice.
My point?.....Uh.....was.....oh yes, be good to yourself.
Also, walking. As much as going walking is the last thing I want to do when my husband gets home, I'm forcing myself to go anyway. I do feel better when I get home, despite the grumbling and bitching I'm doing the entire time I'm out.
I'm thinking of you and hoping that you find some helpful ideas here from your loyal readers.

[Sheryl]

God, I f-in hate depression. So sorry your bummed. Honestly what helps me the most is not to think. Stay out of that brain of mine, no good can come from traveling there. And I try to really be in the present, and also find one or two ways to treat myself everyday. Also keeping my house clean, even though it seems so arduous is a huge mood lifter for me. Mine usually occurs in winter, so I also use a lightbox, which is no use to you right now. I hope you feel better soon.

[betsy]

I've got no advice - nothing has ever helped me but time, except maybe physical activity. Getting out in the world helped lighten things a bit, but I would NEVER have been able to motivate myself to get even as far as the door. Perhaps throw yourself on the mercy of your pushiest, most tenacious friend. Accompany them on errands. Do something habitual.

For me, the very worst thing about depression was how it rendered me completely unable to remember that I ever felt any differently - that anything was ever interesting or meaningful or in any way fun. So tell yourself, or get someone to tell you every day, or write on your mirror: "I have not always been this way. I won't stay be this way forever. Right now, I'm doing my best. Godammit."

I'm so sorry you're going through this now. Holding good thoughts for you -

[laura]

Dude. We are so gonna hang out at the pool when I get back. Sunshine, canned beer and junkfood are GUARANTEED to shake you out of your funk. Until then, how about one of those massages you got for Mother's Day? (You did get massages for Mother's Day, right? Or am I making shit up?)

Sorry that you're feeling bad. Wish you weren't.

XOXO
L

[laura]

PS Jesus Christ, woman, stay away from the goddamn oven!

[Karen (Miscellaneous Mum)]

I hear you on the depression feeds into writers block. I feel like such a miscreant at the moment. Maybe because it's winter over here, and it's REALLY gonna be cold this time around; I don't know.

I do believe in hot water bottles, though. And cuddles.

[MeL]

Yeah, I tend to address problems better if I'm pissed.

So that's what I do now. Instead of viewing the depression as something I'm "feeling", I remove it from myself. It is its own entity. It is the enemy.

And then I get pissed off. I get pissed at Depression. Because of the enemy, I lose the ability to enjoy my kids, to enjoy my hobbies, to enjoy my husband. And I'm not about to let anybody push me around that way. So I set out to kick depression's ass. If I can get angry, I can get moving. If I can get moving, I can beat depression. I clean, I paint the living room a new color, I take the kids to a farm and feed baby goats. And for every small thing that I accomplish, instead of giving myself a gentle pat on the back and sighing in my martyr way at how sad it all is, I look depression in the eye and I sneer. FUCK YOU, DEPRESSION! See? See what I can do? You can't hold me back, can't hold me down. Because I won't let you, you slimy bastard. I will move and go and do.. if only to spite you. Because nobody takes my life away from me and gets away with it, and I'm not going to simper and sit and take the blame for it.

Depression is the enemy. Go kick that motherfucker's ass.

Good Hunting, Babe.

[bridget]

just had this happening at the beginning of the week---fuck hormone produced depression.

what did I do:
told my husband, he really pitched in with the spawns
and for the first time for like ever I didn't start a week long fight-
got a new bag-
got to pick up another today-
scheduled girls night out-
sent my kids away every morning for VBS-(thank you GOD)
i'm gonna make it and I know you will to!
i know there is stuff I should do about these dips in hormones, "the change" could turn me into a violent person>

[Meghan]

Hi Tracey,
I'm not offering any words of wisdom, just a voice of solidarity. I know that my last meds-change threw me for such a major loop, and how incredibly hard it was to admit to myself, let alone my family or teh internets. I think that putting this out there is step one on the road to wellville.

I'm teetering on the edge of normalcy and that sucking black hole at the moment myself, so I feel your pain. I can only speak for myself, but at the moment I'm drinking plenty of water, using any supplemental meds as I need them (xanax to chill me the eff out, and ambien when I can't sleep) and trying to eat healthful things.

I find that good/happy smells help me, so light an apple pie or clean linen candle (those are my go-to scents)and watch a movie that is relatively light, and will make you smile (for me, My Best Friend's Wedding and Love Actually.) Take M_ to the park and play, or put up the sprinkler and sit outside while she runs through it. Sunlight improves my mood emmensely, just remember the SPF. Good luck, we're all thinking of you.

[Tere]

At this point in my life, it's all about the things I tell myself in order to keep the despair in check.

I am not whom I used to be. My life now is infinitely better than it used to be. I have people who depend on me in big ways. I can no longer afford to dwell just on myself.

Things like that.

And if I need to splurge and get me a new pair of shoes or venti coffee to cheer myself up, I do. Without guilt or reservations.

Honestly, I'm no less critical or forgiving of myself than I've ever been; but I've learned not to be so myopic about myself or life. I try to look at the bigger picture. A lot of it is just me forcing myself to get over it and find ONE good thing and focus on that.

[Lily]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. But I'm so glad that you are reaching out.

As someone who has suffered from depression, I have to echo what many others have said, which is that (in addition to anti-depressants) I really try to get out of my head and into my body. Walking helps. Yoga helps. Anything physical.

And I like what an earlier commenter's said--just doing SOMETHING, even if it is going on errands with a friend.

And I usually keep a post-it note around that says some quote on it that resonates with me like, "This, too, shall pass," which helps me remember that my thoughts are temporary and the sun will come out again.

Hugs to you.

[GraceD]

I'll see your Sylvia Plath and raise you Anne Sexton.

So, how to raise your head above the muck?

First, I agree with Kaleigh - no Joy Division. Put away your copy of 'Closer'. Now.

Second, get outside. That's what I do. I expand my world beyond the limits of the house. When I'm out, I move my body. A lot. Like, maybe run. Or, fast walk with arms pumping.

Third, Acupuncture. I've said that before but I'll spare you my hippie alt.mama rants. You know my spiel.

Fourth and hardly last, I remind myself that I'm loved. You do the same. Your readers love you. Yes, we do.

[Katie Kat]

I don't know... honestly! My depression sort of just hangs out at the edges of my life, and then explodes in fits of anxiety, and self hatred and loathing. I feel regret, pain and just plain BAD. Usually this is after too much wine, but not always. It's like a headache that isn't quite bad enough to take an aspirin for. You sort of just live with it until it gets bad enough to do something.

That's not very good advice tho! My latest thing is that maybe after 10 years on Prozac, it's stopped working. So I'm going next week to revisit the hell of maybe switching/adding/subtracting/moving/morphing/or otherwise fucking up my meds. I'm SO excited.

Honestly tho, reading that other people have the same fears and black clouds does help. Especially when those people (yes, YOU) are intelligent, funny, wonderful writers, who ply us with the most wonderful LOL:Cats!

Let's just hang in there together...

[Katie Kat]

I don't know... honestly! My depression sort of just hangs out at the edges of my life, and then explodes in fits of anxiety, and self hatred and loathing. I feel regret, pain and just plain BAD. Usually this is after too much wine, but not always. It's like a headache that isn't quite bad enough to take an aspirin for. You sort of just live with it until it gets bad enough to do something.

That's not very good advice tho! My latest thing is that maybe after 10 years on Prozac, it's stopped working. So I'm going next week to revisit the hell of maybe switching/adding/subtracting/moving/morphing/or otherwise fucking up my meds. I'm SO excited.

Honestly tho, reading that other people have the same fears and black clouds does help. Especially when those people (yes, YOU) are intelligent, funny, wonderful writers, who ply us with the most wonderful LOL:Cats!

Let's just hang in there together...

[Katie Kat]

I don't know... honestly! My depression sort of just hangs out at the edges of my life, and then explodes in fits of anxiety, and self hatred and loathing. I feel regret, pain and just plain BAD. Usually this is after too much wine, but not always. It's like a headache that isn't quite bad enough to take an aspirin for. You sort of just live with it until it gets bad enough to do something.

That's not very good advice tho! My latest thing is that maybe after 10 years on Prozac, it's stopped working. So I'm going next week to revisit the hell of maybe switching/adding/subtracting/moving/morphing/or otherwise fucking up my meds. I'm SO excited.

Honestly tho, reading that other people have the same fears and black clouds does help. Especially when those people (yes, YOU) are intelligent, funny, wonderful writers, who ply us with the most wonderful LOL:Cats!

Let's just hang in there together...

[Katie Kat]

I don't know... honestly! My depression sort of just hangs out at the edges of my life, and then explodes in fits of anxiety, and self hatred and loathing. I feel regret, pain and just plain BAD. Usually this is after too much wine, but not always. It's like a headache that isn't quite bad enough to take an aspirin for. You sort of just live with it until it gets bad enough to do something.

That's not very good advice tho! My latest thing is that maybe after 10 years on Prozac, it's stopped working. So I'm going next week to revisit the hell of maybe switching/adding/subtracting/moving/morphing/or otherwise fucking up my meds. I'm SO excited.

Honestly tho, reading that other people have the same fears and black clouds does help. Especially when those people (yes, YOU) are intelligent, funny, wonderful writers, who ply us with the most wonderful LOL:Cats!

Let's just hang in there together...

[Katie Kat]

I don't know... honestly! My depression sort of just hangs out at the edges of my life, and then explodes in fits of anxiety, and self hatred and loathing. I feel regret, pain and just plain BAD. Usually this is after too much wine, but not always. It's like a headache that isn't quite bad enough to take an aspirin for. You sort of just live with it until it gets bad enough to do something.

That's not very good advice tho! My latest thing is that maybe after 10 years on Prozac, it's stopped working. So I'm going next week to revisit the hell of maybe switching/adding/subtracting/moving/morphing/or otherwise fucking up my meds. I'm SO excited.

Honestly tho, reading that other people have the same fears and black clouds does help. Especially when those people (yes, YOU) are intelligent, funny, wonderful writers, who ply us with the most wonderful LOL:Cats!

Let's just hang in there together...

[BaltimoreGal]

Tracey,
I just went through a pretty good valley myself- changed some meds (that Wellbutrin is a kicker, I must say- great mixer), watched the silliest movies I could think of, ate strange food (sushi for lunch, eggs for dinner). I indulged whatever could possibly make me happy. Focused on the minutiae- is this thing, right here, right now, good? The feeling of this pillow is nice... Those kind of sensory things. And like others have said- reminding myself that it will be again.
Also, shopping IS good perhaps the best. Just say the word and I will come get you, drag you to Hampden, shop you until you drop, fill you with the Mex food of your choice and deposit you on your front porch!!!

[Patois]

Take strength from the good vibes coming in all directions from the internet to you. Get out into the sunshine. Work up a sweat. Lift those tired limbs and trunk and eyes and move, move, move. Ask for help from those who are physically near you -- not just connected to you by this tenuous web. Feel better. Please.

[Elaine]

Hi, de-lurking to make a comment. First, I love your blog and want to add to the "internet good vibes" that Patois was talking about. Your writing affects a lot of people in a positive way, and all the people commenting are just hoping to give a little bit of that back. To echo another comment, I also use the ever-popular Southern "fake it til you make it" strategy. Sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite, but sometimes I actually start believing my own hype and it helps me out of the spiral. I also find it very helpful to keep an actual journal. I use it as my brain dumping ground, to vent, and I only write in it in pencil, because I almost never want to go back and read about the bleakness. Anyway, I hope things go better for you.

[skyzi]

Travel, a change of scenery. Meeting new people who are excited to learn, see new things, are not judgemental always awakens my spirit. Getting out of a daily rut always seems to do it for me.

I have left the country, left my state, left my home but when I get back it all makes more sense and I am happy to be back.

[skyzi]

Travel, a change of scenery. Meeting new people who are excited to learn, see new things, are not judgemental always awakens my spirit. Getting out of a daily rut always seems to do it for me.

I have left the country, left my state, left my home but when I get back it all makes more sense and I am happy to be back.

[SharonO]

Ok, I'm late to the party but I had a good excuse ... I just bought my first house and have been running the lawyer/mortgage/realtor gauntlet for a week.

Tracy, honestly, I allow myself a good wallow. I take the best care of myself that I can and just take a day (or 4) to truly feel sorry for myself and think things through. I read books I've been wanting to read. I watch old movies.

After a bit, I start getting sick of myself and being alone and decide I need something different. And I slowly climb out of the hole I was lying in.

It happens pretty often now that I'm not on meds but that was a choice I made once I learned that it wasn't MY fault that I was depressed and that this, too, shall pass.

HUGE HUGS to you ... keep writing even if you think its shit. It'll give you a backward glimpse into your natural cycles, which may help you be prepared for the next one.

[Bethiclaus]

The answer that comes immediately to my mind (thanks to the ever-present internal loop of my drill sergeant father) is buck up. That's what I usually try to do. And when that (invariably) fails, I take the meds.

[Julie]

Here's what has worked for me, a fellow depression-fighter:

1) yoga;
2) acupuncture;
3) acceptance of whatever crappy feeling you feeling you are feeling; and
4) appreciation for the obviously good things in my life.

[joy]

life is seriously kicking your ass tracey. i hope that when you read this late comment the fog is beginning to lift and the fact that SYTYCD is on tomorrow is lifting your spirits (i keed!)

hang in there. it will pass.

[joy]

life is seriously kicking your ass tracey. i hope that when you read this late comment the fog is beginning to lift and the fact that SYTYCD is on tomorrow is lifting your spirits (i keed!)

hang in there. it will pass.

[marigoldie]

I second what Julie says. I've struggled with depression my whole adult life and have recently found massive relief in acupuncture. I was skeptical but desperate, and acupuncture (plus Chinese herbs and a few dietary changes) saved me.

I also believe in focusing on gratitude. Good luck.