Car Wars: The Wang Strikes Back

Hey, do you guys smell that? (sniff-sniff) It's a little something like... the odor of burnt hair mixed with motor oil sludge, right? Do you know what that is? It's the smell of pipin' hot marital discord, that's what!

Let me begin this by saying that I've never been a car person -- someone who invests buckets of money into cars and/or aligns their identity and sense of self with an automobile. Since getting my driver's license at age 16, I've had exactly four cars: a Chrysler K-Car that was a hand-me-down from my mother, which I drove for two years until something in its transmission locked up one snowy Michigan morning and it ran over my foot, shades of Christine-style; a lo-fi Ford Escort that was a replacement for the evil demon attack car, given to me by my parents on my 18th birthday; and two Toyota Camrys that were both gifts from my very generous car-molting Aunt Elaine. The last of those two Camrys I still have today: a champagne-colored 1998 model that, admittedly, has seen better days. Over the years it's developed all sorts of minor quirks and defects -- a broken automatic door-lock button on the passenger side door, a blown sound system speaker, a dashboard clock that has retreated back into the recesses of the surrounding console, never to be seen again -- but honestly? I couldn't give a shit less. My criteria for whether or not an automobile is viable is as follows: 1) Does it move, and do so reliably and with an overall lack of discomfort on the part of the driver? And 2) There isn't a #2.

And you should know that Jamie has historically been of a similar mind. Fact is, I had to practically pry him physically from the hideous beater he owned when we met -- a shit-brown early 80s Dodge Spirit that was so heinous in every conceivable aspect that even I had to concede that it was time to throw that baby back (preferably into an erupting volcano or the yawning maw of the Great Pit Of Carkoon (that toothy sand pit thing from Return Of The Jedi)). We replaced that junker with a gently-used Toyota Echo, a fuel-efficient Little Engine That Could that's been serving him well for the past 4 or so years. Practical. Reliable. Appropriate for his hard-wearing daily commute to DC. Perfect.

And so relative peace has reigned in the Automotive Realm of The Sweetney Kingdom... well, until last week.

We've been casually going back and forth for some time about the idea of getting him a hybrid, a choice that seems to make a lot of sense in light of his extended dance mix version commuting and our shared concerns for (and guilt about) the environment. But then something odd happened. Like one of those old Folger's coffee commercials -- “Tracey's husband has been secretly replaced with a tired cliche of American manhood in mid-life crisis... Will she notice?” -- I've been dealt the ol' switcheroo.

Which is to say: he now wants a fucking convertible. And he's using words like “Saab” and “Mercedes” and (OMFG!!!) “Lexus.” Those are bad words. Those are words that hurt. GET BEHIND ME, LEXUS!

Do you think it would help if I chatted casually with him a little bit about the general enormity and girth of his penis? Yes? No?

Needless to say, we're at an impasse. It is now Me, Ms. Cheap-n-Practical, versus Him and His Aging Wang (WANG WANT CONVERTIBLE! WANG SMASH PRIUS! GRRAAAAAHHH!). We may not make it out alive or (ahem) intact.

So as with all important things I turn to you: The Delphic Oracle-like, impartial, and all-knowing internet. Please to select one of the following options, and potentially help to save our marriage:

How should the Sweetney family resolve their current automotive-related dispute?
1. Let Jamie get the stoopid convertible. With the long commute and all he deserves it, and allowing him to purchase it bestows on you a points value equivalent to three years worth of blow jobs, so everyone wins!
2. Your husband has plum lost his mind. A convertible would not only be impractical and wasteful, but ultimately it would fail to make his penis appear any larger than it actually is. It's a lose-lose, man. Go green!
3. Other -- I'm going to explain my thoughts in the comments and tell you what to do, because none of the other options apply and I know better than you nah nanny nah-nah.

I'm counting on you and your collective wisdom to help guide us, dear internet. (And was the “nah nanny nah-nah”-ing really necessary? SO immature.) Though I must add that none of your responses should include calls for a “version 2.0” of the options, use words like “interactivity” and “optimization” in referencing the choices, or suggest ways that we could “monetize” this situation. DO YOU HEAR ME, INTERNET? ARE WE CLEAR? Alrighty then.

Tags: cars, family, life, marriage, mylife, personal

Comments

[robyn]

i say do what i do when you want to get your way. promise slutty underwear and daily blowjobs for like a month if he gets the hybrid. then just don't deliver. you can hold him at bay with "don't you want them to start at the beginning of the month?" until he forgets completely.

does that make me evil?

[Sue]

You are so screwed. I say #2, but I would probably actually give in to #1. I'm easily manipulated though.

[Nic]

I would say that yes, he can get one of those lovely convertibles if he totally understands how much it's going to cost in insurance, that they're not fuel-efficient and that they will cost a trillion dollars to repair. And I won't point out that Lexus makes a hybrid convertible.

But I'm also evil and would amend my agreement to purchase with things like weekly massages for myself and an iPhone because who cares about the environment when you're getting weekly massages?

[Bethiclaus]

2! 2! 2!

You should totally not allow that crap to happen. Be pigheaded and stubborn like me! It's great!

Besides, those kinds of cars make everyone assume your wang is smaller. Just saying.

[BaltimoreGal]

Isn't there some kind of really deluxe nice hybrid? Or a low mpg mid-range convertible that will never be a Lexus? Then you won't have to do all that other stuff.

[mike]

Dear [My Wife]

If Jamie gets to have one, I do too!

Love,
Mike

(I mean, uh... THINK OF THE ENVIRONMENT!! Squirrels, baby seals, spider monkeys! What would Diego Do? (WWDD))

[amymarie]

NUMBER #2 In the biggest bold available.

We have both - a Prius and a Saab (although, not a convertable). The Prius rocks. We all love the Prius. The Saab, well, let's just say we've spent $1800 in repair bills over the past two months. The car is 6 years old and already starting to be a big old money sucka. I love the Saab, it's my car, but I would never buy one again. Not at least at this point in my life. Kids, food, clothes. Those are our big bills. I don't want my car to start to impede on my weekly trips to the grocery store. Those fancy cars cost SO much hard earned mo-nay to fix. Don't get sucked into the trap. If he gets a fancy car, you'll still end up giving blow jobs because he will be so depressed with the repair bills, there will be no other way to snap him out of his depression.

[cursingmama]

other -
Tell him you aren't opposed to a convertible; but think it would be a good idea if you waited until the weather changed & he had the opportunity to rent one while it's cold to see if it's what he really wants.

In the past it has been my experience that convertibles (unless the price tag is bigger than my college educations price tag which my mother will tell you was not small) suck ass in the cold, they leak warm air and sometimes have a very annoying whistle. As an added bonus - some can not go through automatic car washes because they leak - guess what happens in wind driven rain.....

[Sherry]

#1

Chrysler makes a mean looking Sebring Convertible. A little cheaper on the pocketbook than a Lexus.

[Liana]

Yo. #2. ALSO, Bethiclaus is right! When my husband notices a racy sports car or convertible (driven by a man, oft. obviously in mid-life or older), he doesn't even mince words- he calls them "penis cars." SO- getting one would make your man look insecure and LESS manly. So. And to help with the NO, A CONVERTIBLE IS NOT OKAY (ESP. due to your hopefully still-shared environmental concerns!!), DO chat casually about your husband's (i'm sure- i wouldn't KNOW) fully adequate and possibly (let's say probably!) above-average member.

[Kristabella]

Obviously #2.

And Bethiclaus is so right. Have him rent a convertible in the winter and see how he likes it.

I'm guessing not so much.

[Sheryl]

Go green. Unless you have money to burn, why would you spend it on a car? Take a trip or something.

[MsRebecca]

I made a huge mistake driving the Lex suv.. with the GPS and the camera that shows everything behind me while backing up, and the automatic hatch opening and closing..Why oh why did I test drive that thing, it also drove very smooth like a car.. I need one, I want one.. yet.. they're so pricey.. "sigh"

[jamaila]

I so can't help you. I'm a total slut for Saabs. Heart them so so much. My dad's had some form of Saab for pretty much my entire life -- the only times we ever saw him cry were when the gray Saab was totalled and when the cat died.

[Jo]

Completely behind #2. And thanks for all the laughs!

[fay]

SO #2. I cannot imagine making the Baltimore-DC commute in a convertible in February would be anything short of miserable (not that it isn't already). Seriously, you're going to drive down I-95 with the top down? What, so that you can better breathe in the exhaust fumes and check out the dude in the SUV next to you at 10 miles an hour?

[Sheila]

You know, every time I see a man in a convertible I think 'mid-life crisis'. #2.

[sweetney]

Sue: "You are so screwed." bwahahahaaaaa!

[Martin]

#3: Mazda MX-5 Miata. It's a convertible, so he wins, but it's relatively inexpensive and economical (compared to a Lexus or Saab, at least) and isn't exactly a "wang" car in the same way. So you both win. Or you both lose - I suppose it depends on your point of view.

[Lindsey]

I agree with Fay - commuting to DC with a convertible sounds disgusting. I doubt he's flying down the interstate, wind in his hair. He'll be sitting behind an 18 wheeler with exhaust blowing in his face. Plus MD isn't really a convertible state; it's either 100 degrees (top up, a/c on) or too cold (top up, heat on). He might have 3 weeks in he spring and fall to actually use the convertible. It's only because it's nice out right this instant that he wants that option!

[Amy]

I am of a similar car philosophy as you. We have 2 Volvos and a pickup right now and they all need bodywork and range from 140,000 miles to 210,000 miles. That said, we once owned a Saab and I LOVED it. We only had it a month before someone hit me in a Mitsubishi SUV and totalled it, though, so I can't say much about maintenance or repairs. I think it wasn't bad on gas, if I remember correctly.

[madeline]

There's no convertible hybrid yet? Dang. They need to get on it.

[All Adither]

My husband is a partner at a big law firm and still drives the 1985 Toyota truck (the color of a Band-Aid) that he had when we met. I kind of love him for that.

But at the same time, I think there's a chip in the mind of a man that deeply desires something new and shiny and fast (though it may not activate until middle age).

We're starting to talk new car finally, but we're in the land of Toyota and Honda. Perhaps you could compromise and he could get his new shiny thing, but maybe it could be a notch down from those big, fancy names.

[Skyzi]

I too spent a quarter of my life driving so I lost my mind and got the awesome, beautiful cool car. Then my warranty expired, everything became expensive, it needs "good" gas, and I didn't think it was that cool. I also think that convertable + cold= disaster.

It is a really good time for one-two years then it sucks...and he wont see that as a good thing.... I'm just sayin.

[Michele]

Maybe the Smart car would be a good solution? Cheap. Convertible(ish). Great fuel economy. And you can park it just about anywhere!

Yeah, he'll never go for it. Good luck, though!

[drea]

How long is long? In hours, I mean. Because convertibles don't offer much in the way of lumbar support, and coming from someone who often makes treks home from school, lumbar support is mind-blowingly important.

At any rate, I vote hybrid. There are tons on the market now that can still fulfill his need to feel like a teenager, in luxury, without looking like a prius.

[C]

I haven't done ANY research, but what about safety?

[sumo]

All Adither - all men come with the car chip implanted in their brains. You see it in all ages from 2 up. As responsible adults, we repress that fixation in lieu of more practical concerns, but it generally ends up bursting out in the mid-life crisis.

There is nothing logical about a convertible. As such, there is no arguing the point because this is a purely emotional urge; there is no logic to start with and he knows it. You might be able to make him give in, but it will be through pressure and repitition, not logic.

I would try to talk him into a sporty coupe rather than a convertible. You know, Something that can be driven all year. I'd also try to talk him into a cheaper brand. The least expensive one you mentioned is the SAAB, which starts at $40k for the convertible. There are a lot cheaper sports cars out there.

Now, he may be thinking it has to haul the family, because the models you mentioned are pretty much converted sedans (chop off the top, make it a 2-door and add a big engine). The cheaper sports cars are usually smaller with not necessarily as big engines. Someone already mentioned the Miata and there are others with varying degrees of power. They can be really fun, but you probably won't be taking the family to the grocery in them.

As for the fuel efficiency, the smaller models can be decent. The SAAB (the $40k entry level one) gets 20 mpg city/ 29 mpg hwy. My wife got a Mini Cooper, which is a lot of fun to drive and averages 35 mpg.

If you really want a hybrid, there are some hybrid convertibles being developed if he thinks he can hold off for a few years.

If you are REALLY concerned about our oil dependency, you'll get the all electric Tesla. Yeah, it's $98k and currently has a waiting list, but if you want to talk about zero emissions, zero gas/oil usage, and HOT, this is it baby:
http://www.teslamotors.com/design/gallery-body.php

[sumo]

I just saw the safety comment. Anybody with convertible on the mind is not thinking about crash ratings. However, a sports car can still have safety designed into it. For example, the Saab 9-3 convertible is a "Top Safety Pick" from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety.

[Michael]

A couple options:

#1. Tell him you've changed your mind too. Now you want a HUMMER.

#2. He can have a convertible as long as it's Pink.

Michael

[marie]

argh.. we just replaced the olds88 with a nice, sensible, liberal-mommy Volvo station wagon. As we were signing papers at the dealership, my husband disappeared.. I found him in the next room, transfixed and drooling on the "Jags". His arguement that the used Jaguar convertibles "were a good deal" wasn't going to fly. Good luck, I think it's an Y chromosome thing..

[Suzy Q]

I'm on my third convertible. Love them! My first was the best, a special hi-tech production model of a Cavalier Z-something. I bought it 3-years-old used and drove it for 9 more years until it was so rusted out, I finally sold it. At a garage sale for $2100! I still miss it.

The second was a Sebring. Meh.

I really wanted a Toyota Solara convertible for my third, but I actually couldn't find one to buy, so I've got a Volvo C70 now. VERY expensive to repair, as are all foreign cars. I also bought it used and it's now 7 years old. I like it...okay. I will say it's the best convertible top I've ever had on a car.

HOWEVER, I live in South Florida. I really don't think I'd be buying a convertible if I lived in the frozen North. That suggestion to have him rent one in the winter sounds good.

My 17 cents.