Declutter Mission Improbable

A post which should probably be subtitled: Oh My God My House Is In Dilapidated Shambles And How Did I Ever Let Things Get To This Point iiiieeeeeee! (A bit wordy that, I admit. Obviously we'll edit it down for the film version).

About every six months or so I wake up one day, take a look around at my house, and feel as though the walls themselves are tightening around me. Space itself seems to be contracting, as objects (ie: Pointless Plastic Crap) are expanding and multiplying all around us simultaneously. Everything is simply too much -- the clutter, the lack of room to move freely (I've all but given up my penchant for Interpretive Dancing), and every surface seems to taunt: “Just TRY to find a place to put a drink down. C'mon, I DARE YOU, BITCH.”

Yesterday marked the reemergence of that old biannual torment. This is not my beautiful house! In fact, I'm not entirely sure I can *find* my house with all this crap everywhere.

So at this juncture, what does any sane person do? GO TO IKEA TO BUY MORE STUFF! But, you know, organizational-type stuff. Stuff to help me with my stuff. Stuff to make the stuff I already have prettier. Stuff to put stuff into, to hide stuff. Why doesn't IKEA just make a gun that shoots out magic lazers that make your stuff actually invisible, since that's kind of what they're going for anyway? They could name the superinvisogun “Krappdie,” in keeping with their needlessly difficult Swedish Alien Naming System. ZORK!

We spent a good two hours there yesterday, getting new stuff for the other stuff we already own. Thankfully M loves their children's play area (BALL PIT! WOOHOOO!), so I was able to deposit her safely into the arms of watchful Swedes whilst I stuff-shopped, leaving me free to spend a good twenty minutes frozen in a paralytic daze in the Storage & Shelving area, contemplating the beauty and versatility of beech veneer. Its, like, the Spam of wood-surfacing! Ubiquitous and semi-convincing in its impersonation of the actual, unprocessed object it pretends to be! Please to enjoy OR DIE.

At the end of the day, I didn't really buy all that much. A few containers, a new comforter cover... the inescapable detritus of IKEAdom, the shopping remnants that invariably follow you back to your car and find their way into your trunk, whether you like it or not it seems. When I got home what I of course realized is that I don't really need more stuff to put my stuff in, but rather TO SIMPLY GET RID OF MY STUFF. Eliminate the middle man, cut to the chase, and get down with the massive purge already, jesus.

So the rest of this week is all about paring down, casting off... and organizing what doesn't get pared down or cast off. I have no freakin' idea where to begin. Every room has its own unique fuckedupness and issues. We have waaaaay too many cds, dvds, and books, and not nearly enough places to put them. We are overrun by swarms of magazines, which are scattered over every available surface ten-deep. My desk has been absorbed by some kind of book pile/envelope and paper/folder/random scraps of paper generated Borg. It frightens me. I could probably use a hug.

The upshot is that I fail at domestic life. And now I must pay.

And in the face of all this, my anxiety and desperation are at such levels that I've begun having dreams of calling up one of those TLC/Discovery Channel/Style Network -type home improvement shows, and summoning them to swoop in (sashay in?) and save me. Because let's be honest here: what this situation really calls for is a gay man -- preferably one with sewing skills that knows how to make a good dirty martini. But at this point? I'd even settle a gay man without the sewing skills (obviously the bartending is SO NOT optional. DUH.).

Hello, Queer Eye For The Straight Mama? While You Were Out Navel Gazing And Recording Pointless Details Of Your Pathetic Existence On Your Blog? C'mon! WHERE IS MY UNPAID MADE-FOR-TV LABOR FORCE, DAMMIT?

. . . . . . . . . . . . .
PS: Oh and in other I Fail At Life news, yes, comments again exist. Because I did something stupid when I turned them off before, and then when I tried to turn them back on Movable Type was all “Umm, no.” And then hours of messing around and rebuilding and bullshit followed, which left me all “Oh, fuck it.” So comments. Again. Yes. BUT PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

Comments

[slouching mom]

Every room has its own unique fuckedupness...

I couldn't have described my feelings about my own house any better than that.

I stand in solidarity with you.

[robyn]

so, not a suggestion for the ENTIRE house, but with the books, if you have tons of them that you can bear to part with, sell them on amazon.

it's not a "right now today they're gone so there" type of solution, but you'd be suprised at how fast they'll sell. and okay, you have to take them to the post office to mail them, but you'd make money and de-clutter at the same time!

shoot me an e-mail if you want the deets on the best ways to do this (i've made like $400 in one month selling all my old books!!!) ...

[2shews]

There are fleeting moments when I wish for a house fire (unattended, of course) and the insurance check to start it all over again, and do it right. Also in this imagined scenario I have some premoniscient awareness keen enough to tell me to remove all photos from the house. Because that's probably all I would save, as long as the peeples were out.

[BaltimoreGal]

I dream of Niecy Nash & her "Clean House Crew" coming in & shaking their heads at me and her scolding me over my "foolishness".

Unfortunately? I only have one room that's in "Clean House" mode. So I'm not bad enough... but bad. Sucks.

[sweetney]

robyn: the books problem is sticky, because both jamie and i have this packratty tendency when it comes to media. like, how can you read a book and get rid of it? its SACRILIGIOUS! or something. same goes for cds and dvds. oh and video tapes. we have a whole freakin' VHS library we NEVER watch, yet there they are. taking up space. taunting us. halp.

[ilikedust]

You could also take your books to the Book Thing! http://www.bookthing.org/index.html
The only risky part of this option is that when you go there you might be tempted to actually go inside and then you'll more than likely end up taking a bunch of new-to-you books home with you. But maybe they could be organization books!

[WendyB]

Another good thing when you need/want to purge but don't feel like making a trip to the Goodwill and feel way to guilty to throw anything away (me, packrat? who?) is to join your local Frrecycle group (freecycle.org). Just post what you have to give away and folks will come pick it up from you. I purposely never look at the giveaway postings b/c I do not need more crap in my house! I find it easier to freecycle than to craigslist b/c of the area we live in, but that is a great option as well. Anything that means someone comes to me to pick it up as oppose to me having to schlep it somewhere!

[Maxine Dangerous]

Freecycle is awesome. Was about to recommend it. I'll just give it a round of applause. People come to your house and pick up the junk for you! It really doesn't get any better than that. Unless they were going to stick around and clean up for you. And then cook dinner. And make margaritas. And clean up the mess they made. And leave $20s on the kitchen table before they left. Hrm. I think I lost my point somewhere.

[rebecca]

"Krappdie" had me near to shooting Diet Coke out of my nose. Thanks, Sweetney!

[sweetney]

rebecca: my job is done here.