Dirty little secrets

I am a poor excuse for a housewife, as my husband can attest. Above and beyond the aforementioned clutter issue, I often leave loads of damp laundry in the washing machine until they molder and smell like sweaty troll feet, mounds of unfolded clothes crumpled in the dryer or in laundry baskets randomly dotting the landscape of our household for days on end, and piles of filthy dishes marinating in the sink simply because I hate nothing more than emptying the dishwasher (OH, THE UNBEARABLE AGONY). There is visible mold and mildew on the upstairs bathtub shower curtain. There's cat litter tracked throughout our basement where the wretched litter boxes (yes, PLURAL) dwell, cat-sized petri dishes growing god knows what. It isn't laziness exactly, but more like studied inaction-as-protest in response to the scourge of filth relentlessly encroaching on our living space. I mean, I clean something, and then a week later IT NEEDS TO BE CLEANED AGAIN. Will this hideous nightmare never end?

Of course there's more to the story than just rumpled laundry and a few dirty dishes. So in the spirit of full disclosure and unburdening myself of my sins, here's a short list of things housekeeping-wise that I do not do, EVER:

1. Wash baseboards or door/window trim (I mean, C'MON!)
2. Clean behind the toilet (eww!)
3. Vacuum under area rugs or furniture (I don't even want to know what might be living under our couch at this point)
4. Dust anything located above eye-level (out of sight, out of mind, dude!)
5. Clean lightswitches or doorknobs (which are both likely festering with Bubonic Plague at this point, come to think of it)

And so on. Mine is a housewifery of least resistance without a doubt, and while I'm not always proud of the results of that stance, I'm owning it, man. We all have our dirty little housekeeping secrets: our rat's nest-like junk drawers and dank, wretched basements, our closets packed with crap near to the point of involuntarily bursting open like a misfired gag can of peanuts stuffed with spring-coiled snakes.

[tiny voice:] Umm, don't we?

(This is your cue to jump in with the making-me-feel-better Me Too!-ing. Better yet, tell me truthfully: what is your dirty little household secret? I promise I won't tell anyone... heh.)

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Having said all that, my domestic failures and inadequacies haven't stopped me from contributing to this fall home shopping guide from JCPenney (or Jacques Pennay, if you're a complete flaming dork like me). True, I'm contractually obligated in blood to do so. But wholesale bartering of my soul aside, I like to think that my contributions there over the next two months will present something like the inept everywoman's perspective on the home (my first post, on the subject House Porn, can be found here). Like if Martha Stewart were a mouthy aging ex-punk rocker tightwad. IT'S A GOOD, CHEAP THING, MUTHAFUCKAS!

And in other, somewhat-related-to-blogging-and-commerce news, it looks as though this as yet unnamed Big Book O' Mommybloggers I have some stuff in will, in fact, be published. Like, on actual paper and stuff. Which would make me an author or something? Maybe? Definitely waaaay weird, but stranger things have happened I s'pose (like errm this, for example (shudder)).

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Today's Fish-That-Wouldn't-Die Update: Still undead living! On the advice of the all-knowing internet, I am now withholding food (as a possible cure, not for the purposes of assisted suicide-type starvation). Must be increasingly vigilant in keeping the fish away from my daughter's braaaaaains: as the hunger mounts, so does THE EEEEVIL.

Tags: blogging, home, housekeeping, humor, life, mylife, personal, women

Comments

[Heather B.]

I once posted a photo of my bedroom for all of the internet to see. It looked like something had blown up in there and left a trail of suitcases and clothing in its wake. I abhor cleaning or straightening up and I'd die before looking under my bed.

In fact when I lived alone, I used to wait until the very last piece of silverware and/or dish was used to do the dishes. Until then, they all sat in the sink. And I didn't have a dishwasher so imagine the possibilities of that one.

[Kyla]

This post made me feel as though I have found my tribe. ;)

[Skyzi]

Last week my daughter reached under our bed and pulled out a rotting pear (I swear this is out of the ordinary)....

I am currently on a three week vacuum strike (because why should I do it all?!?) and the fluffies/ puff cereal, bitter bisquits are starting to take over...

Sometimes I will go without underwear instead of quickly doing a load of laundry...

[Sueb0b]

My sister used to say "Dull women have immaculate homes." In that case, I am anything but dull.

My cabinets and fridge are random, with stuff knocked over and leaking, probably. My shower? There are scary things growing there. And yes, I also do the "OMG - here's where all my underwear are - moldering and wet in the washer!!"

[Kristabella]

I'm with you, if it is covered by furniture or a rug, it need not be cleaned. Which always makes it interesting when you move.

I also loathe dishes. I have no dishwasher (besides my two hands) and I will leave dishes in the sink for days. Sometimes weeks. Am that lazy! And disgusting.

[slouching mom]

Ahh, but your daughter will be so much healthier for being exposed to bacteria. We're too clean in this culture, anyway.

[slouching mom]

sorry, tracey, what the hell happened there?

[All Adither]

It is typical for me to go about my daily routines and suddenly realize that there are brown splotches all over the front of the dishwasher, bits of tomato sauce coating the inside of the microwave and cat fluff scuttling along the floor and I wonder how it ever got to be like this.

[Kizz]

Yeah, pretty much everything you said is just like me. If you want to REALLY feel better though check out my archives from June of this year for pictures of my mom's house.

[BaltimoreGal]

I am envious of your dishwasher though. I HATE doing dishes but I hate dirty ones almost as much. But my bedroom, as previously stated, could be part of one of those "Clean House" shows. I've just managed to keep the rest of the house from complete filthery.

[sweetney]

skyzi: god, the same thing happened to me last week... except what we pulled out from under our couch (which i had to move slightly to hang a roman shade on the window behind it) was UNRECOGNIZABLE. clearly once food, it was now simply a fist-sized moldy mass. EEK!

[Kelly]

our bathrooms get cleaned maybe once a month. laundry is never fully folded and/or put away. I can't remember the last time I even casually vacuumed. I have no organizational skills so shit is just laying all over my house.

[jenn]

I am so glad that I am not the only one!!! My house is always messy. Right now, there are dishes in the dishwasher that need to be emptied so that I can fill it up again with the gross dishes in the sink. I can't walk through my house without tripping on toys, shoes, and clothing. It is never ending....

[Tere]

When you said (wrote): "I mean, I clean something, and then a week later IT NEEDS TO BE CLEANED AGAIN. Will this hideous nightmare never end?" -- you captured my same, exact feelings.

The other option is a cleaning lady, but I've already fired 3 of them for not dusting like I asked them to. And in my defense, I am deathly allergic to dust and can't even touch it. So I need a dust-free home. Swiping in between frames and candles doesn't cut it, damnit!

[Becca]

Here's a shameful one:

By far the most reliable way to get me to clean is to bribe myself with wine. Which I get to drink before the cleaning starts.

If I had kids, that would sound like some creepy 1950s drugged housewife thing, wouldn't it?

[sweetney]

apropos of nothing: any of y'all need some paternity testing done? cause if you do, i know a guy... snort.

sorry, just needed to get that out of my system. all better. carry on.

love,
sweetney (aka soulless corporate shill)

[Kizz]

Thank you for talking about the elephant in the room, I've been weirded out by that paternity testing ad all week. I keep wondering what in sweet hell you've written that would make them think your audience needed some paternity testing.

[capacious]

I bought a whip and my kids clean the house now. They're not very good at it but they're definitely better than me.

[Michele]

Would you all come over to my house and introduce yourselves to my husband? I promise your anonymity to be guaranteed! And I will provide box wine.

After going round & round about this countless times with the hub, we have a cleaning lady who comes every other week. She cleans the bathrooms, the kitchen, vacuums and neatens the boys' rooms. I know I am wicked lucky, and the $130 per month is definitely worth it. If you can afford, I highly recommend.

(We found our cleaning lady through another of my stay at home mom friends. We also "playgrouped" together, and soon all the moms were using the same service.)

[Izzy]

You're my soul sister in poor housekeeping. I knew it 'twas true when you started describing stinky damp laundry languising in the machine and baskets of unfolded clothes dotting the landscape.

And I concur...what is the point of cleaning (mopping especially) when it will just need to be done again next week?

The whole things smacks of a hamster wheel if you ask me...

FUTILE! REPETITIVE! POINTLESS!

[Jackie]

Stumble upon this blog, it feels like my own home

My and my Bf "take turns" in cleaning which means i'll do the washing of his most need work clothes and leave the rest with the excuse 'on the next sunny weekend'
(some times i'll wash it all and take it to the laundrymat to dry it cos i hate hanging clothes out)
and he'll wash up only the dishes we need to cook dinner, the longest stint of no dishes done in my house was 6 months - then i bit the bullet and spent 4 hours doing them all.
(it was his turn)
anywho... yesterday we spend the whole day cleaning and our house looks spick and span (well as clean as a cheap half brick half weatherboard ex junkys rental house can look) its was for his mum and dad see... they complained last time the were over that they could smell the cats pee, (we have to cats and i change litter once a week) i was mortified so we went cleaning mad. Its the cleanest i've ever see this house.

I hope it will stay that way...