Not at all bitter. Nope.

Having a kid is totally cramping my style, that much is clear.

You may recall some recent mention here of my husband's well-deserved victory in our CityPaper's annual “Best of Baltimore” issue, a win that bestowed on us the distinct honor and privilege of gaining entry to their exclusive BoB party last week. And since I am sort of moldering in middle-age with a child strapped to one leg (they should make holsters) and therefore rarely (okay NEVER) cavorting about town with the cool kids, I was beside myself with excitement about attending. A party! With adult-type peoples! The cream of Baltimore's hip, insider crop, in fact! Oh, and did I yet mention OPEN BAR?

Huzzah! A drunken octopus on yon invite!

Yep, roger that. I'm all over that shit like a monkey on a cupcake.

Knowing that this party was coming up, I had to -- like most parental units -- jump through several flaming hoops ahead of time just to be able to go. First, I had to secure childcare at a friend's house. Second, I had to synchronize my watch by atomic clock to make absolutely certain I'd be on-point to retrieve our child at a reasonable time, or at least before she turned into a whining, flailing pumpkin and our friend was driven to unceremoniously toss her ass out on their back porch, like sack of potatoes FILLED WITH PURE EVIL (worse yet: PURE STARCHY EVIL!). Third, I had to dig through my wardrobe and find clothing that 1) was befitting a hipster gala in the year 2007 (umm, good luck with that! (snort!)), 2) was (relatively) clean, 3) didn't smell of some odd combination of Cheerios and Gogurt. YES, THE BAR HAS BEEN LOWERED. AGAIN.

Having settled those issues (well, to one degree or other), the evening of the much-anticipated party came. I was, in the words of Alan Greenspan, irrationally exuberant. I dressed with care, changing my clothing selections multiple times for good measure. I put on fucking MAKEUP, man. I applied goddamn hairspray, fer crissakes. And then I waited for Jamie to get home so we could go.

And waited. And waited. Aaaaaaand WAITED.

We'd planned to arrive at the party right when it started at 6:30pm, so I could cram in as much adult party time (see: BINGE DRINKING) as possible, figuring if I left the shindig by 8:30pm I could retrieve M and wisk her home and to bed before her personal witching hour of whining & flailing doom began. That would give me two full hours. Two full hours of blissful I'm not just a parent, I'm a hoooman beeeing! time. Oh joy.

Jamie called from the road around 6:15pm. He'd hit some bad traffic on the way home. He'd be late. He'd be very late.

I wilted.

All told, by the time we finally got to the party it was almost 7:30pm, meaning I had just enough time to slam down a single drink (weeps) and snap these pictures before I had to turn right around and get back into the stupid car. POINTLESS. FAIL!

Revelers beneath the ominous all-seeing Domino Sugars sign

Baltimore cityscape as Missile Command screenshot

The Baltimore Museum Of Industry: presently spotlighting our city's two main products -- Gang Murder & Crack!

Justin, Jamie, Lauren & delicious beers. You're winners, babies!

And sadly, that was it. I raced back to our friend's house and arrived just in time it seemed, as the tension-filled countdown to Preschooler Detonation had clearly already commenced. After putting my daughter to bed at home, I watched some TV. I had some snacks. And I tried very hard to weep quietly, so as not to wake up THE ADORABLE PIGTAILED MONSTER WHO HAS STOLEN MY LIFE FROM ME.

Oh, but I kid the life-stealing monster! Umm, I mean THE LIGHT OF MY GOT-DAMN LIFE.

So now, in an attempt to exhaust this topic fully and thereby purge the kernel of resentment that's taken up residence in my heart, here's a few other things that having a kid has unfortunately put the kibosh on for me:

• Crocodile wrestling
• Picking up hitchikers
• “The Lifestyle”
• Ingesting psychedelic drugs
• Snake charming
• Running out to the store to get things on a moment's notice
• Come to think of it, leaving the house at all on a moment's notice
• Sorority rushing
• Acting out old Gladiator movies using authentic weaponry
• A variety of activities involving nakedness
• Playing LPs backwards
• Drag Racing
• Openly watching “Rock Of Love” or “Charm School” on VH1

I could go on and on, of course. But enough of my festering bitterness -- what's on your resentment-inducing MIA since parenthood list? And late at night when everyone else is asleep, do you lie awake thinking about these things, and do the tears come?

There there, dear.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Aside: I've decided to relocate my Daily Photo (I prefer the generality of Daily Image, honestly) Entry over on a dedicated page, so as not to clog the delicate pipes of mah index page. Please to enjoy (like, every day! DUH!)! I'm also working on a Song Of The Week page, and I'll let y'all know when that's fully operational and ready to rock. Song Of The Week page ahoy!

And a Note to the three of you who care: No, we haven't yet replaced Nemo (or gotten a tortoise, per Mrs. Kennedy's influence), and Jamie and I are still deadlocked over the convertible issue (though I believe the resounding chorus of “BAD IDEA!” from y'all might've swayed him ever-so-slightly away from folly... fingers crossed).

Comments

[Kyla]

I know. These kids. Good thing they are adorable, right?

I'm sorry your evening was mostly ruined. You deserve some time out!

[All Adither]

Going to the bathroom by myself.

I miss that.

[Katie Kat]

Oh Sweet, Sweet, Sweetney... I can SO relate! I lament late at night, in bed, to my good lovin' hubby, about all the things we COULD be doing if we hadn't had THE CHILD.

I concur with all of your choices (especially acting out old Gladiator movies using authentic weaponry -- damn, I miss doing that!)

I'd also add sheep wrangling in New Zealand, and having a sex dungeon in the basement. Wait... is that sharing too much???

[Jo]

You had me at "Missile Command screenshot"...

[sweetney]

Katie Kat: NOW YOU'RE TALKIN'!

[cursingmama]

I remember someone telling me that it got better when they got older - that it was "easier".

That person lied a big giant one.

I miss having a life that revolves around ME and my friggin needs.

[Skyzi]

I miss being well rested, well maintained, reading, having me time, reading, sleeping, just being able to hang out with non kid people and especially the prior point made by All Adither. It is just not right not being able to crap by yourself, I never needed an audience before..... I mean nothing, nothing at all, I love it all!

[sweetney]

cursingmama: yeah. and though clearly there's nothing in the world that matches the awesome of our children, ohmahjesuslawd, nights like this one make me pine for the days of easy, carefree nights out. sniff.

[Rebecca]

You just perfectly expressed what so many of us feel. We love our kids, but WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LIVES? It does take a ridiculous amount of effort just to get a single night out, and babysitters are so flaky and hard to come by.

So I feel for you. But at least you've maintained your sense of humor and wit, unlike so many Moms I know!

[Holly]

I agree with Rebecca-babysitters are hard to come by. They're also expensive when you add them on to the cost of your evening. Hardly worth it if you just want to see a movie. Because, in addition to everything everyone else has mentioned, I really really miss going to movies. And concerts. Movies and concerts. sigh.

[zellmer]

I miss going wild all night, then getting to live comfortably in my hangover on the couch all day afterwards.

I miss sex in the living room.

I miss sex period.

I miss self-indulgent vacations.

I miss reading the Sunday NY Times before 8:00 at night.

I miss trying to be a rock star.

I miss saying the F word.

[cursingmama]

I forgot these -
I miss Happy Hours that started at Happy Hour and ended when you called in sick to work the next morning.
I miss having special sunglasses at work known as "hangover glasses".

If I didn't love those darn kids so fiercely I'd probably still have those glasses & use them regularly. At least I get to sleep through the night consistently now.

[Kristabella]

You can't watch Rock of Love or Charm School with kids?

Then I will not be having any of those. I need mah bad reality TV.

[Maria]

I don't have kids, but my mother lives with me and she is reverting. Does that count?

I miss cleaning the hosue naked. :-)

[ozma]

SUCH a great question.

Usually, nothing. But next weekend ALL NIGHT ZOMBIE MOVIE FESTIVAL. 7 p.m. to 7 a.m.

I'm so there.

Or I would have been.

[marie]

Yeah, I second the lack of solo bathroom time. And the inability to read an entire New Yorker, the only thing I am even somewhat capable of reading without being interrupted.

And when you do get the opportunity to go somewhere sans-child, only because of generous grandparents, there is THE GUILT. I get to go to London for 4 days. But of course it comes with a large portion of GUILT.

[Mindy]

I think you just talked me out of procreating entirely!

[Kathleen]

I just ignored all these things, decided to get pregnant anyway... And the doctor told me I was having twins!!!!!!

I use going to the toilet (when hubby is at home) as an excuse to read two papers in my book.
And oh yeah, miss partying + getting drunk without worrying about having to be fit the next day for my 2 year old toddlers...