Waving and Drowning

When I was eighteen years old, I had a nervous breakdown.

Among other things, I spent two full weeks crying. Two full weeks of non-stop blubbering punctuated only by brain-flooding panic attacks, one of which nearly caused me to wreck my car driving home one night from some place or another (where I was doubtless -- you guessed it -- crying).

When the panic hit, my entire body locked, overcome by a type of non-deathly rigor mortis. It took every ounce of strength I had just to pull that car over to the side of the road, where I couldn't kill myself or anyone else (though at the time, the whole killing myself idea didn't really seem out of the question). I sat on the side of the road and -- surprise! -- cried some more, wondering how I'd get home, or if getting home even mattered anymore. I felt caught between two poles: crushing sadness and paralyzing panic, and both were unspeakably dreadful. I was eighteen years old, and there were moments when I felt that life was, in some profound way, simply over for me. That I'd never get back to that person I was before this huge crack opened up in my head and swallowed the world as I knew it. That something had come undone in me, unravelled, and that my brokenness somehow defined me. Hi, I'm a crazy person! And you? Wait, where you goin'?

I say all of this not as woe-is-me sharing of mah feeeel-ings, but just as backstory to where I am now. Which is... well, for one thing, medicated. But despite that still very much subject to some invisible currents constantly swirling around me, which I have no name for, but that steer the rudder of my emotional life pretty much on a daily basis. Some days the waves crash and the undertow is fierce, and I can barely get out of bed. Other days, it's as calm and still as mirror glass, and I look into it and it looks back at me, kindly.

When I was eighteen years old, I had a nervous breakdown. I got better (whatever that means). And though I've come close to going under again many times since, I've mostly managed to keep my head above water. Mostly. Nine times out of ten? Maybe?

(All of these awkward water metaphors naturally bring to mind Stevie Smith's brilliant “Not Waving But Drowning”:

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.)

Anyway, the past couple of weeks I've felt those waves lapping at my toes again. Gentle, not terrifying -- at least not yet. But persistent. Nudging. A little ominous. And so I've been consciously working on the Feeling Better and Being Good To Myself. Which need to be capitalized as they're sort of programmatic and campaign-like actions, not typically being one who is as good to myself as I probably should be. Because I suck at life.

So this morning I went to the gym (I KNOW!), and spent an hour shuffling on the treadmill while listening to NPR (NPR of course being like taking brain vitamins, right?). Then I went to Whole Foods and spent an absurd amount of money filling our cabinets and refrigerator with hyper-organic pure naturaltastic textured whole vegetable bark-like sugar-free goodness. (Or whatever). I'm salivating with anticipation. I think.

And now? Now it has come to this:

Look out, colon! There's a giant dose of EXTREME HAPPY coming your way! YEE-HAW!

As I understand it, this 2-week program is like having a high-pressure hose stuck down your throat and getting your insides vigorously power washed. Which, you know, HAS to make me feel better, right? Right?

What does your Feeling Better and Being Good To Myself campaign look like? And yes, I'm looking for ideas I can steal. Particularly if they involve afternoon cocktails and naps. Not to put words in your mouth or anything.

Comments

[laura]

Wine at the new house?

I can't beat a colon-cleanse (who can?), but I'd love to spend some time with you.

Keep treading water, lady. Winter sucks for everyone.

XOXO

[Oh, The Joys]

Dude.

You had no way of knowing that I would fall for you completely over a box of colon blow.

How could I not?

I am yours.

[Olivia]

At first I couldn't imagine how a colon cleanse would be listed under "Being Good to Myself". But then I considered how satisfying, once it's over, a good B.M. can be. Best of luck!

[Nic]

So I'm going to be a dissenter, I don't think you should attempt the colon blow right now. At all. As someone who has had to tread water before, and as someone who has gone through some ass problems recently, there is NOTHING that depletes your emotional reserve like a poo fest. If you're feeling on the verge, you might want to push this off for a little longer. Do you have access to a sun lamp to get some good light going on? Buy yourself something pretty and revel in the consumerism. Do something that will actually feel good. You won't feel good on the cleanse for a bit and between now and then you will feel very, very, very bad. Just be warned...

[bridget]

FYI-

my last cleanse was like giving birth and having indegestion for 8 days. i felt well"shitty". if I was on the brink I think I might wait till after the holidays.
what works for me by the way is the UV rays. tanning bed, fully clothed. It keeps my sad at bay.

[jfree]

I have had a cold for a week, followed by a fever and nausea brought on by a cyst on my *vagina*, and when I went to the gyno today, they discovered some blood in my urine. So I went out and bought myself all new bedding and in a few minutes I will be laying in it and popping some pain pills from the last time my husband's back when out. I think probably that's not as healthy as what you did. I might try something down that avenue tomorrow.

[sweetney]

(aside: just wanted to apologize for the comments being down most of the afternoon -- in my utter idiocy i somehow managed to break my site, but have seemingly made it all better now. anyway, pay no mind. as you were.)

[Ree]

Oooh, do let us know how it goes, okay? But, y'know, not too graphically ;-)

[Hot Librarian]

Dude. I am so with you. SO WITH YOU. And I can't post as a result. I'm just too blah.

Right, so I'm trying to increase my omega-3s (salmon! spinach! tofu! almonds!) and staring into my simulated sunlight lamp a lot. I'm also actually taking my anti-depressants for once and going to therapy again... but I think the almonds are helping the most. Yeah. Totally.

[All Adither]

I have awful insomnia. That's how it manifests for me. I actually just took 1 Xanax and my normal Zoloft dose and am hoping it helps me sleep tonight without killing me. Oh, yeah, because on top of being an insomniac I'm a hyopchondriac.

[ozma]

Let's hope that does the trick! Hey, whatever works.

I hope you feel better soon. Do let me know the results and I shall try it.

[Maria]

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom.

I have a case of the Mondays too for the last month or so.

A friend of mine did the cleanse and has urged me to do the same. She also recommends the detox. See https://www.buykinoki.com/?cid=386299

[Jessie]

I always buy crafting or baking supplies. Creating things always makes me feel better and like I'm accomplishing something. When I'm down I feel like I'm not functioning at all - the accomplishing something is my remedy for those feelings.

[torrie]

1) I recommend waiting until after the holidays to start a cleanse.
2) The best cleanse is Dr. Natura- http://www.drnatura.com/
The best thing about it is that you can still eat while you are doing it.

[Katie Kat]

Eeeeek... God, if your story sounded any more like mine, we'd be twins (or you'd have me arrested for stealing your identity).

Anyhow - I am medicated as well, and still fighting that "feeling" that just sort of lingers. In fact, just last night it hit me right up side the head, for no reason. I was just fine and then... not so much. I felt old and hollow and sad. I felt like all the fun had gone out of life and it was pointless to even try to keep pushing. Today is a bit better, but still...

I think the main thing I am going to do for myself (for I am not currently doing ANYTHING for myself except spending too much money shopping online) is to enroll in Jazzercise, or BETTER YET, dancing lessons! I love to dance - it is the one thing that really makes my soul sing. So, that's what I'm asking hubby for for Xmas. A couple of nights a week when he watches the kiddo so I can trip the light fantastic (and hopefully not really trip and break something essential).

I'll hold off on the UBER CLEANSE for now, thank you... :)

[sweetney]

okay, in defiance of the wisdom of the internet, i'm doing the cleanse.

and honestly? other than almost pooping my pants in Safeway this morning (swear to god, i had to poop in a bathroom in Safeway! something i'd never do unless there were no other option), i feel pretty good. the gatrointestinal production is pretty amazing. both solid and gaseous. sorry, tmi. pretend i didn't say that.

oh and also? i'm breaking out like a 15 year old. related, maybe?

[Lauren]

Just stumbled across you, and instantly recognized the holding-the-demons-at-bay game you're playing. My go-to move is to get REALLY INTO a routine. Something about having these little set steps to go through every day comforts me immensely. A recent one consisted of waking at 8, walking around my neighborhood, stopping for hot chocolate, getting a newspaper, working for a few hours, tending the plants in my yard, working some more, dinner with a friend, two-drink minimum, lather-rinse-repeat. Once I get to the point where I'm totally bored of it and want to do something radically different, ta-da! No more demons. But then, this could just be my particular brand of crazy. Best of luck to you.

[Cindy]

I'm very interested to hear continuing updates on the cleanse.... it's something I've been wanting to do for a while, but I'm nervous about the pooping. I hear it does amazing things... I bet the zits are related because you're releasing all your toxins (I don't really know what I'm talking about... it sounds good though). I also hear that people lose around 5 lbs. after a cleanse... Yay for that! Anyway, I hope the cleanse helps and keep the updates coming, please!

[Meghan]

I have done 2 "cleanses" and I will warn you, they make you feel like poo. But that could have been caffeine withdrawal. I got canker sores all over my mouth. It was not pretty.
If you live in a safe-ish neighborhood of have a large dog, try going for a walk (alone is best) at night. That works wonders for me. I have sunset onset angst and anxiety, and that helps.

During the day is good too. For some reason in the dead of winter it's liberating to bundle up and get outside for a while. It's like giving the finger to old man winter - proving that you can't be repressed indoors. Plus it's usually very quiet. Avoiding sugar helps with anxiety too.

[imaginary sarah]

Good on ye for doing a cleanse. I've found that they always help me to feel better, even if the process of cleansing isn't necessarily the part that feels better.

[Sharri]

Can I delurk to say almost been there, done that in terms of the crazies? This time of year SUUUcks for those of us who struggle to keep our heads above water. Things that have helped:

1. Reaching out (as you have) to other people and as hard as it is, not retreating inside (literally or figuratively).

2. Baking. And then, well, eating.

I'm sure I can think of more, but the whole baking/eating thing made me hungry. I'll have to check back later. E me anytime if you want support (even though you don't know who I am).

[Suebob]

I did the colon blow routine last night, but by accident. Somehow the pound of cauliflower and broccoli I ate for lunch translated into an extreme colon cleanse.

I would skip it. I didn't feel better afterward. In fact, I got drunk and broke a couple things on purpose.

[confiance]

Popping over from Amalah, and oh, boy, do I know the crazy. Winter always about kills me and I know that Feb. is gonna be all the worse.

That said, sunlight, sunlight, sunlight. I also love horse back riding, and I'll go out of my way to make it to the barn. Somewhat cheaper than therapy, but being able to throw myself into something always helps.

[Lisa Merritt]

Please don't throw stones at me, but I'm on the excess seratonin end of the scale. Don't know how I got to be that way; my mom always told me to look on the bright side and it stuck. Hopefully i'm not the sickening version like that Sidney on Grey's Anatomy. But I live with someone who sits on the fence and sometimes falls over on the other side. Peace be with you.

[Holly]

2007 has been a not so great year for me and I've been feeling sad a lot lately. Winter looming and the holidays approaching does not help. Some things that I've done recently to make me feel better:

-Going to a spa for a facial and a massage. Getting totally pampered feels great.

-Reaching out to friends often. Seeing lots of people for lunch, coffee, drinks (see below), whatever.

-Lots of drinks. Those afternoon cocktails you mentioned are helpful. Actually, I'm meeting a couple of friends for drinks this weekend and am so looking forward to it.

Whatever you do, I hope the waters start to recede very soon. This can be such a tough time of year. Being Good to Yourself is very smart of you, and frankly, you deserve it.

Also-rather curious about the cleanse. Looking forward to hearing how that goes.

[Heather B.]

I was going to guess if that's where this was headed. I'm going down the same path the day after Christmas. Hopefully at the end there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and we will both be in a better, happier place.

[magpie]

Play music really loud and dance. That always makes me happy. I miss doing this and need an alone dance session. I won't be able to do this till the end of January as I am living with relatives at the moment and they wouldn't dig the loudness. Or find new music. Finding new music (new to me at least) always puts a smile on my face.

[Leaf, probably...]

I'm big on long complicated hair treatments, facemasks and footrubs... because the more complicated the beauty therepy the more relaxed you'll be at the end. (in my head anyway.

[Lauren]

Wine! Naps! Seriously, I used to never ever ever drink anything, and then found out that wine was relatively good for you in small amts. So, I have a glass of wine every evening...it really helps me breathe a bit better!