I am Tracey's compromised immune system

I've spent the last 24 hours looking directly into the fabled Heart of Darkness, fighting internal parasites and buckets of mucus. Fortunately, I can report with almost 100% certainty that the fabled Heart of Darkness in no way resembles a bald, bloated, and shirtless middle-aged Marlon Brando. So that's good news, I guess.

I don't know that the cold I caught is a virus so much as it is A MERCILESS KILLING MACHINE, a viral version of those giant man-eating intergalactic bugs seen in movies like “Alien”. Indeed, if this virus could, I do believe it would eat my face off and burst from my chest, like I'm some sort of fleshy piñata.

Bottomline, I am clearly not well.

But to make up for my inability to construct complete sentences that actually make some kind of sense, I bring you the following portrait of perverse creepitude, because I want everyone's day to be as surreal and discombobulating as mine:

I call it “Pug Wearing Pug”, or “How To Get Ahead In Creeping People The Fuck Out” (homage)

You kind of hate me a little bit now, don't you?

Before I return to my place on the couch, where I'll lay blowing my nose and crying (I'm not a good sick person) until lunchtime, I ask ye: what's your favoritest thing(s) to do when you're too sick to do much of anything at all? I'm looking for ideas, obviously. Magical pestilence cures and suggestions on how to recycle/repurpose about 15 metric tons of snot-coated tissue also welcome.

Comments

[Katie Kat]

When I'm sick enough to stay home, I have a bad habit of doing things like cleaning the house or rearranging furniture and the like. It's VERY annoying. Even in sickness the OCD side wins!

I think the most popular answer is likely to be "watch old movies." Maybe load up your Ipod with new stuff, or eat things you're not supposed to (FEED a cold, no matter what they say... ha!)

As for the tissues, you can make LOVELY sculptures from them while they are still... ahem... wet, and then as they dry it becomes permanent art. I'd start with a sculpture of Truman!

Hope you feel better soon!

[Katie Kat]

Ooooog. I woke up with my sinuses full of some sort of funky green goo as well. And the kiddo has pink eye (I still took her to daycare though, muwahahahaha).

I think the most popular answers will likely be thing like watching old movies (black and white), eat things you normally wouldn't (no, not Elmer's glue), or dowload new stuff to your Ipod. Or, just drinnk cold medicine until the world starts to resemble that melting clocks painting and turn on Dr. Phil. (Fun with melty, balding psychiatrists!)

As a creative alternative, the used tissues are SURE to make a lovely sculpting medium. Just stick them together and mold them while they are (ick) wet, and when they dry, they will be nearly indestructible! I'd start with a sculpture of Truman (and post pictures please!)

HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!!!

[Katie Kat]

Hmmmmm... I'm in my own fog... somehow BOTH versions of my comment posted simultaneously. Very oddddddddd... :)

And, FIRST, SECOND AND THIRD!!!

[mj]

i'm right there with you today- is it bad that i've got my laptop in bed and am hoping that i can use the time off of work to write a paper?

[Laura]

Bad daytime television. Tea with medicinal booze.

[sweetney]

Laura, i think i love you.

[robyn]

gay porn.

wait, what was the question?

okay, for reals i'd say watch as much Queer as Folk as you can before you have kidlets around you. those hot gay men will do wonders for the sinuses.

[Nic]

I believe you're supposed to be plotting against Angela for spreading the plague.

[Mom101]

HEY! THAT'S THE FOX FOOTBALL DOG!

(feel better trace)

[SI]

First time commenter - just wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon. Zoning out and relaxing my head by watching the crappiest shows on television always seems to work for me.

[Hot Librarian]

Ewww. And Awww. Sickness sucks.

My sick day plan of action:

Fill St. Louis Cardinals keepsake water bottle with patented healing mix of ginger ale and orange juice (Cardinals bottle not essential to the healing)

Retreat to bed with laptop and magazines.

Watch YouTube videos of children dancing to Crank Dat.

Desire sons.

Sleep.

[skyzi]

I love being able to nap and not having to rationalize it. That coupled with extraordinarily trashy television and a good book makes it not so bad!

[birchsprite]

Why does Truman have two heads? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ummmmm.

Drink Hot Toddies (lots of whiskey, brown sugar, hot water and a slice of lemon...that's the healthy bit) Then pass out. Wake up tomorrow feeling, well if not better... then different.

[Susan]

I rarely ever get sick but on the occasion I do, I just want eat loads of ice cream and sleep. Hope you feel better soon!

[Mrs. CPA]

During my sick day I have organized my closet, folded two loads of laundry and gotten out all of my very wrinkled maternity clothes (none of those are recommended activities, I telling you what NOT to do). And now I'm going to zaxby's for chicken (recommended). I already watched Mona Lisa Smile and Spiderman 3 yesterday afternoon and I think I may take a nap and watch some TIVO later. Like that Lost I still haven't watched from last week.

[Caitlin]

Hi! I'm delurking!
I found you recently through Sundry Mourning.
You picked one of my favorite topics -- I've always loved sick days even when I am, in fact, sick.
I guess it's because there's rarely a good excuse to bring all my comfy bedding to my couch, catch up on back-to-back movies, and drown my misery in pints of Ben and Jerry's and vats of soda (hey, you need fluids!).
Halfway through the day when you can't take it anymore, chug some Nyquil and pass out for 12 hours ;)

LOVE your blog!!

[Melissa]

Hot toddys--bourbon will cure what ails ya. Equal parts HOT lemon juice and HOT water, lots of honey, and a shot or so of bourbon or other brown booze (brandy works).

For daytime toddy substiture: same as above, no booze, plus a clove or two of crushed garlic and a dash of cayenne.

get well soon!

[Jonah Lisa]

When I'm sick I like regressing to childhood.

I eat buttered egg noodles and drink ginger ale and I watch movies that make me believe, if only for a day, that the world is a kind and generous place where nothing can hurt me. Polyanna, The Music Man, The Parent Trap (old version), etc.

[denise]

I'm with the above hot toddy recipe, almost exactly the same at my house...only when Im sick there is no daytime/nighttime, its all about the "Im sick, I can drink bourbon at 9am...or whenever the liquor store opens.

[laura]

TV. Lots of TV.

Without cable, though, I'm forced to watch shit like Twister, as I did the other afternoon while enduring a wretched stomach virus. And Twister, in case you've forgotten or never have had the pleasure, is awful. Really awful. For one thing, the stormchaser vs. stormchaser conflict is superfluous, in my opionion, given that our stormchaser protagonists are already battling some wicked fucking tornadoes. And why so many tornadoes, anyway? What with my nauseated and feverish state, I could barely keep them all straight. Anyway . . . yes, TV--even when it's Saturday-Afternoon-Matinee-Awful, is always therapeutic.

[sweetney]

you'll all be happy to know i'm currently drinking a hot toddy, still in my PJs, and have been watching TV (and surfing the intarwebs) for about 10 hours.

if it wasn't for the whole being sick part, this would totally not suck.

[kerrianne]

OK, so that picture totally reminds me of The Office, when Michael's Halloween costume is himself, with a paper mache head attached to his shoulder.

Awesome.

[Kimberly]

One month ago I was right where you are. I had the evil flu and honestly thought I would perish. After one week of hell and another in a zombie-like status, I returned to the world a better human. Yes, I gained back all of the 6 pounds I lost during my sickness but (a-ha!) I was finally able to quit smoking. So maybe in a few weeks, you'll have a silver lining too. Right now, notsomuch...

Sorry.

[Robin]

I think they all got it right on the medicinal drinks. Hope you feel better. The crud is going around all over the place. I am also all over the bad day time movies. Like last week when I found myself sick at home watching DIRTY DANCING. Holy Freak. "Nobody puts baby in a corner." I don't know if it made me sicker or motivated my body to fight back because of shame!

Yes- the picture- do hate you a little bit for that. Deliciously creepy.

Rest on!

Robin

[Robin]

Oh yeah- the tons of snotty Kleenex? Pre-pasted Paper Mache. Just let M re-wet and "do art."

Blech.

[Jon Stewart]

My remedy requires my personal assistance:
I come to your house and dab your feverish brow with a damp cloth, serve you nourishing soups, toddies, juice, and whatever "meds" you require, fluff your pillow and tidy your blankets as needed, and during times when I'm not immediately needed, I gently rub your feet while telling you how beautiful and brilliant you are.

[sweetney]

oh person pretending to be Jon Stewart, how i love thee.

[A slave to a 4 year old]

Personally I curl up into a little ball and whine at my wife.. At least thats what she says. To make your day a little brighter and give you a spot of "aww how cute" I thought I would share this with you. There are times I wish I had a video camera in my hand. It is gently snowing here in Illinois. My daughter Juli just came skipping off of the bus and holding her hands out in front of her. When asked what she was doing she replied "I'm riding my horsey through the snow. Isn't it fun Dad?" i said "yes dear.. if i had a horsey like yours it would be fun to ride through the snow" and to that she told me i could borrow hers.

why can't life be as simple as when you were four and were sharing an imaginary horsey? just a thought...

[trinity67]

Why is there a smaller pug growing out of a larger pug?

Am I over-stating the obvious?

I love pugs.

[BaltimoreGal]

MUST have tea in the hot toddy. Has theopholin which kicks mucus ass. Also caffeine which helps counteract booze so you don't lose consciousness (and can has nother tody).

[Renee in Seattle]

Create small animal sculptures out of snot-whetted tissues. Make enought to do a Noah's Ark scene.

[ozma]

Alas, the horrifying fluid and torment are the sign of your immune system working very well.

If it didn't work...well...So don't forget to thank your phlegm. It's keeping you alive!

Hope you feel better soon.

[chatty cricket]

Oh around here we like to play, "Shhhhhhhhh, here watch another Caillou while Mommy takes a snoozer...."

Like right now my 2 year old is lounging naked as a jay bird on the floor eating cookies and watching Caillou while I sit here in a pile of snotty misery.

[sumo]

Hm... kind of reminds me of Kuato from Total Recall.