When Truthiness becomes TMI

First off, at the risk of sounding cornball, I cannot for the life of me adequately express how all of these photos and all of these posts -- by so many amazing, brave, beautiful women I can't even list them all here -- have inspired me. I've been completely floored and humbled by the response, by the honesty and courage of everyone who has participated. In fact, I think the only way I can really show my gratitude and honor all the awesome truthiness you've put out there into the world over the past week is by continuing to follow the no-bullshit, total honesty tack. Like so:

This week I went out and bought myself some fat girl clothes.

And I don't say "fat girl" with even the slightest twinge of disdain, or mean it in any derogatory fashion whatsoever -- let's just get that little disclaimer out of the way all upfront-like, m'kay? Rather, I say it in the "let's call a spade a spade" voice of someone recognizing the reality of their own physicality. Hi, I'm Tracey, and I'm a fat chick.

Of course, one person's fat is another's chubby or pleasantly plump, but let's just say I'm girthful in such a way that for the past year I've been straddling that borderline that falls between the clothes you can buy in the "normal" ladies section of the department store and those shoved off in the dark, dank "big women" clothing ghetto. To avoid entering The Ghetto, I've been desperately clinging to a few pieces of clothing that I've long been barely able to squeeze into (o hai, muffintop!), refusing to go out and buy things that actually fit me properly because, like, OMG, I'm SO TOTALLY losing all the weight next month! NO, FOR REALS THIS TIME. I MEAN THAT SHIT.

But my precious delusions have been getting kind of threadbare lately, and the feeling that I honestly just can't face the anguish and humiliation I feel every time I try to squeeze into the jeans I've continued to wear despite the fact that they stopped fitting me a year ago has been growing stronger. It's just teh dumbz. I mean, who do I think I'm fooling? Do I really think I'm enacting some kind of masterful, David Copperfield-type dazzling slimming illusion by cramming myself into clothing two sizes too small? Or that by wearing shapeless, generic T-Shirts that hover around my body I've somehow magically concealed that I'm not a size 6? Riiiight.

So, umm, screw it. If I'm going to be fat, I might as well have some nice, cute fat girl clothes and stop being such a frumptastic piece of self-punishing shit about it, equating "buying clothes that fit" with "admitting defeat".

Still, am I honestly happy about all of this? No, no I'm not. And that's not because I think fat people are bad, or because I think they're ugly, or because I have any kind of issue of any sort with anyone else's weight whatsoever, period. Really, I could give a flaming shit. I've always embraced people for WHO THEY ARE -- fat or thin, beautiful or homely, stylish or frumpy -- the only criteria for entree into my circle of friends has always and forever been that you MUST be smart and you MUST be funny (and, if we're being perfectly honest here, being willing to talk enthusiastically about really awfully reality TV doesn't hurt). But when it comes to evaluating myself? Well, I have to admit I still long to get back into the body I had ten years ago, before becoming a wife and a mother. That I still have some vanity left in me, for better or worse. That I still endlessly diet, and struggle every day, trying to get back there. And that I dearly hope I will, sooner rather than later, if only because I felt much more comfortable in my own skin back then, more myself somehow. 

So that's my honesty, my TMI truthiness for today. Hi, I'm Tracey, and I have self-image issues. Hi, I'm Tracey, and I struggle with this body I own every single stupid day. I sure wish I didn't, but I do.

. . . . .

Unrelatedly, I just found out I'll be speaking at BlogHer again this year. Errm, who else is going? And will you hold my hand through all the potential catty/cliquey/claustrophobic weirdness that is the natural by-product of cramming hundreds of women together in a single space for several days? [begins twitching uncontrollably]

Comments

[Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom]

Hi, I'm Erika. Ditto.

[Mrs. Flinger]

Afuckingmen, Tracey. I with more women could admit how much they struggle with their own self image. Because honestly? Who doesn't? I know size 2 girls that struggle with it. (er, obviously that's not ME. Ahem) I struggle to get back to my pre-baby self and the thing is? My C-section scar? The two kiddos pulled from my uterus? Kinda left an impact and that turning thirty thing didn't help either.

But it's ok. Or, at least, I tell myself that when I step on the scale. Helloooo One Sixty! You're a HAWT number!

[pinks & blues girls]

In the interest of full disclosure (and an "Amen, sister"), I took about 100 self-portraits... and analyzed every one... before I posted the one that horrified me the least.

I picked apart every nook, cranny, idiosyncrasy, asymmetrical part of my face before I just closed my eyes and pressed "post."

So yeah. My self-image and myself can relate.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

[Lindy]

"I have to admit I still long to get back into the body I had ten years ago, before becoming a wife and a mother."
Oooh don't we all!??!?!!

[Oh, The Joys]

That gynormous cookie I ate today? You made me feel better about it.

[baltimoregal]

Yeah, and I haven't had any babies.

[pgoodness]

Amen. Thanks for this - you said pretty much exactly how I feel about my own self-image and body. And ironically? I was going to go get a couple new things to wear tomorrow...same reasons.

[pgoodness]

Dude...by the way, the ad at the top of your blog when I just scrolled back up? For the bowflex home gym. LOL.

[Her Bad Mother]

Duuuuuuuude.

So. Hear you.

(and, loveses you the much.)

[Karen MEG]

I think we women all weave in and out of different phases of our love/hate relationship with our bodies. It's only natural, especially after you've had kids; being pushed, pulled, stretched ...
I still look back at my pre-baby, pre-wedding photos in bikinis and sigh... oy.

[Elizabeth]

Yep, me too. I have to go to that Disney thing next month, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to wear, but I know my old yoga pants and giant sweatshirts ain't gonna cut it. I just may have to march in to Lane Bryant and buy something that actually FITS.

[Marieka]

Tracey, I've been lurking and enjoying your postings and your photos for a while, but I just had to delurk and post a comment to tell you how great this posting was. The "frumptastic self-punishing piece of shit" phrase brought tears to my eyes--both because I *get* it and because I hate to hear that other people treat themselves that way.

By the way, I think that you look stunning in your "just woken up" photo, and I'm not one for idle flattery.

[Danielle, Celebrity Baby Blog]

Tonight I took my daughter out for dinner and trying to keep her busy until the bill came, I showed her the cheesecake display (yes we were at the Factory of Cheesecake) and she insisted on getting some. I went back to the table and told the waiter, "my daughter decided we need some cheesecake." And I ate about half of the slice and didn't feel guilty.

And yeah maybe I'll try to go to yoga tomorrow but not to burn the 7200 calories. Just cos I want to see my friend Lisa.

[Shannon]

I actually learned this from the show "What Not to Wear." Even if a person is overweight, wearing clothes that are stylish and actually fit makes a HUGE difference.

I spent a year in denial, cramming myself into pants that were so tight they'd give me gas pains. Or frumping around in sweats and t-shirts. NO more.

[Shania]

I'm hovering right between 16 and 18. The cute clothes stop at 14 (except at Lane Bryant!).

[NotAMeanGirl]

I. Love. You. The End.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Hi, I am Sarah. I also straddle that 14/16 line.

We can share clothes at BlogHer.

[Poppy Buxom]

I'm laffing my size 14 ass off that the ad on top of the page is for a BBW dating service.

We really are hot. And a bunch of creepy, only-want-to-fuck-fat-girls guys agree.

[supertiff]

i would try to hold your hand, but as a lot of people from last year know, i spend a lot of blogher time throwing up in the bathroom. i can usually handle a hangover like a champ...i think it's the combination of nerves and strange surroundings AND NO MOISTURE OTHER THAN VODKA in my body that caused all the problems.
so, what i'm saying is, you probably won't want to hold my hand because it will probably have just come fresh from a visit with the floor of a public restroom.

aside from that small detail: i'm with goon squad sarah. we can totally share clothes.

or we we can all afford lypo before july?
whatever.

[Karen (miscmum)]

What are you speaking about at Blogher?

I'd love to get there. Er - that's about as much as I can say about that at the moment....

[Michelle]

I know someone who wears clothes to small *cough*mystepbrotherswife*cough*

[Breadboxb]

It can be a real pain trying to find tasteful cute clothes that don't make me look like when I gained the weight I also lost my taste and eyesight. That said, I Love Love Love AnnTaylor Loft, The go up to a 16 and their style sensibility is current !!

Unsolicited advice I know, but as a woman of substance I am unwilling to sacrifice the hotness 'cause of the dangerous curves.

Congrats on buying some clothes that fit & for starting the fab-o truthiness craze.

[Liana]

Thank you for your honesty!!
Truly, I think any woman in this country who is completely happy with her physical appearance is a rarity (albeit a blessed one). Being a woman in our society nearly guarantees some level of self-image issues regarding appearance, weight, etc.
I wish it weren't so...but last week I was comparing myself to ballet dancers.
***sigh***

[Kirsten]

AMEN! AMEN AMEN AMEN!

My size 22 (and then some) ass is currently living in a town where I can't find a skirt to fit me *which sucks because I'm Mormon and have to wear one to church every week* and I have ONE store that carries clothes that don't make me look like an 80 year old, sack wearing grandmother.

[sweetney]

you guys are cracking me up AND making me feel all kinds of "YAY SISTERHOOD!" stuff that under normal circumstances would make me get all eyeroll-y. damn you. ;)

OH! and the BlogHer panel: i'll be on this year's "How To Be Naked" panel (with Mena Trott! WOOT!), talking about walking that tightrope on the web between privacy and disclosure, honesty and self-protection. something i know, errm, a wee bit about.

[motherbumper]

I haven't given up my tiny girl clothing, I just have had the hardest time doing it. But maybe if I start clearing my head like you (you damn fine inspiration), I might just clear that part of my closet and brain that gets really down each time I see those things around the house. It's time for an adjustment - a major READJUSTMENT. This muffintop is going no where and my thighs will never fit into those jeans again. Period.

Oh and I'll be in SF sitting in the front row with a big silly but supportive grin on my face - I SWEARS.

[Olivia]

I have been in fat clothes for a while, but just this past weekend I decided to get all clothes that are more than two sizes too small out of my closet. There were a lot, and it was hard to let go of some pieces that I really loved, but it was also very freeing. When I get dressed now I know I can wear anything I pull out of the closet and am no longer taunted by the spirit of clothes past.

Dieting was making me nuts so I try to eat sensibly and exercise and focus on feeling good as I am today. If a side effect of that is losing weight, fantastic. I'll run out and buy new pants. If not, that's okay. I have recognized that the only difference losing weight will make in my life is smaller clothes.

[Sarah Lena]

So, um, what everyone else has said. Plus a kthanx, because it needs to be said.

You know what's funny? Before I had my baby, I had been a size 10 for YEARS. And I always felt overweight. AT A SIZE 10.

Now, I've had my beautiful baby boy, and I'm stuck solidly in a 14. I look at pics of me, in that size 10, and wonder why I didn't enjoy it more. I was so pretty.

It's all relative. I wish we could all feel pretty, right now. Forever.

[Laura Healy]

This is some really wonderful honesty - you're pretty damn awesome. I have to admit, I am too afraid to post my first thing in the morning honest to god picture because of all you amazingly beautiful women in their thirties looked so damn good and I'm forty-five and those extra ten years, they show, they show a whole lot first thing in the morning.

[denise]

I'm with you sister, I quit smoking 7 months ago. I gained 20lbs I have only one pair of jeans that barely fit and if I put them in the dryer they don't fit at all. After a week of very painful yoga efforts I gained 5 more...I gave up.

[Katie Kat]

You know, I didn't even get up the BALLS to post a picture of myself - even though I TOOK some and then cringed while looking at EVERY SINGLE ONE and thought, "these people won't like me if they see my truly ugly mug! They'll think I'm old and not cute anymore, and certainly not SKINNY."

So, I feel your pain - it's been hard for me because of stupid past issues of eating disorders and stuff. Holding onto the title of "Skinny Girl" and feeling like that defined me. But now, after having a kid and about to turn 43 in June, I find my body has decided enough is enough, and I've gained those dreaded pounds I have always fought. I'm not sure why I've simply accepted it and tried to make peace with it, but I have. I honestly think part of that comes from reading blogs like yours, where the bullshit is stripped away and the honesty is like looking in the mirror in the morning before you've had a shower or even coffee. THAT is how life is babe, and you REP-RE-SENT!

So, we all just need our unvarnished souls to be loved and adored... the rest is just window dressing. And I heart your truthiness to the very core. :)

ROCK ON SISTAH!

[no name just now]

Thank you - brave, awesome ladies, you rule.

You know, I just decided to post my least favorite of the truthiness pics that I took of myself because of what you all posted above. It's scary that we all have these unique, beautiful ...naked... selves who we face every minute of every day, yet showing that raw part of ourselves becomes one of the most painful things we could ever think to do.

I actually am okay with my body (GASP) right now - in fact, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I think I look pretty good, and feel fantastic - but that... I dunno, realization? enlightenment? mutual understanding with me, myself and I? was only reached after 17 years of putting myself through eating disorder hell, the last 3 years of weekly therapy, a year's worth of meeting with a wonderful nutritionist, and that same year's worth visiting a punishing but compassionate, therapist-approved trainer.

I guess at the end of the day I just had to find a way to give up the need for control that made me feel the compulsion to stick my finger down my throat, and re-channel that control into making myself a badass - no matter the size that badass may come in.

[cadiz12]

your attitude is so refreshing. i wish more people could just love themselves as they are and focus on the smart and the funny instead of all that other boolshiz we obsess about.

[Average Jane]

I just went and bought bigger jeans myself. I went several months where my old jeans were *hurting* me (and you can imagine how they looked) before it occurred to me that I could just buy some clothes that fit.

Oh, and I'll be at BlogHer again this year. Fourth time in a row!

[heels]

I'm heavier than I want to be, but I'm also not really as bad as I feel in my head. I realized recently that I was the most worried about how my own Mother thought of me, and that's when I decided that I just didn't care anymore; that I could choose to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter what size jeans that skin was wearing.

I can't afford to go to BlogHer for the full conference, but I'm going to try to hit a cocktail party. I'm really afraid to go, though. I feel like I'll end up crying in the corner because I don't know anybody.

[Tracy]

You know what? I think you are more beautiful in the 'just woken up' picture than in your ten years ago fully made-up photo. It's definitely in the eye of the beholder. Maybe your appearance now doesn't match how you see yourself from inside, but in my opinion you've gotten softer, and more lovely with age.

That said, I struggle with my own body-image on a regular basis, but I'm trying to keep my mind focussed on being healthy rather than being thin. I'm 5 feet tall and 150 pounds and I sit on my butt ALL THE TIME.

I'm glad you took the time to show yourself a little love & buy yourself some clothes you feel good in.

[Eden]

As a gal w/ closets and dressers full of fat chick clothes, I say "good on ya." Dressing for who you are instead of who you used to be is definitely the way to go. It does wonders for the self esteem, even if you didn't know you needed those wonders. And wait until you dig into the online treasure trove of plus sized lingerie -- it's better than the non-plus stuff, IMO.

And thanks for the shout out ;) I found/find this idea very inspiring (obviously).

[jess]

You really are amazing. I hope this sticks for you. Being uncomfortable in your own body is really suffocating.

I'm looking forward to seeing you this summer.

[bubblewench]

Hi. I'm Shannon the bubblewench. I'm a size 22/24. Welcome to my world. See you in the shops. They make some really nice clothes for 16+ these days. Get some. You will feel great in some nice looking duds! There is also some super nice lingerie out there!

Good luck at Blogher! That rocks.

(popped over from Lindy's site - nice to meet you!)

[Suzy Q]

You must be in that gray zone between 14 and 16. Welcome to The Club, sistah.

I broke down and bought some clothes from Lane Bryant. I might have been crying a little bit inside, but, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I may not be this size forever (fingers crossed), but in the meantime, there's life to be lived and it looks better on us with well-fitting clothes.

Tip: The 16W jeans at Target kinda rock. But, the length will shrink so don't get the short ones, like I did at first. Also, the Compassion Tees from jjill.com, I love. In size L, of course!

[Izzy]

Dude, I've got clothes in my closet from all over the map of my life and there are things I could cry over because I know I will never, ever be able to fit into them again after two kids. I'm just not quite to that point of facing reality yet even though I know in my heart I will never, ever set foot in a gym. Le sigh.

You're speaking at BlogHer? Yay you! What session? And of course, I will be around to deflect any unpleasantness (or the inevitable drama) should you need me.

[Maria]

I'm trying to embrace the size of my chest, so I don't walk around looking frumptastic. I lingere manufacturers hate me. I need a good bra that fits. Preferably seemless, soft cup, no wire. What I hear often is "no one wears a 32G." You've inspired me to renew my efforts.

P.S. Your blog doesn't like me anymore. It won't remember my info.

[Nominimom]

Thanks for the linky love! And I am totally with you on the need to get back to my body. Working 3rd shift in my early 20s helped me pack on the pounds (that and being a lazy ass). I was always a curvy size 12-14 before then, but not the fat girl ghetto shopper I am today. Now it's becoming a health issue and the doc wants me to drop 100 pounds in the next year to ensure my gestational diabetes doesn't become Type II. I don't know if it will happen in the next year (hello? breastfeeding here!), but I have faith that it WILL happen!

[Suzy Q]

Maria,

Try figleaves.com for bras from the UK (via the US). It may take a few hits and misses to find your size, though.

[Jamie]

It doesn't help that basically this time of year we are screwed. I mean, hello holidays, Valentine's Day and then Easter candy out the wazoo. Then we wake up one day and it's 70 degrees outside and we can't squeeze into any shorts. Waaaah. Or at least that's me the other day. ;)

[Heather]

I'm so with you. And I think the part I find most annoying is the whole having to shop in a different store phenomenon. What is so special about the jump between 12 and 14 that all of a sudden you become Plus? Isn't that kind of arbitrary?

[eighmie]

all I can say is Torrid is a great place for fun clothes.

[Beck]

I am heavier than I think I should be and yet I'm still a healthy weight, but everytime I walk by a mirror I practically burst into tears. So reading this was sort of awesome, really.

I feel a bit guilty about being on your link list of truthiness partcipants, because I really didn't - I posted pictures of myself with tons and tons of makeup. I wimped out, you see.
xo

[Lyn]

You rock, girlfriend!! I hovered between "that borderline that falls between the clothes you can buy in the "normal" ladies section of the department store and those shoved off in the dark, dank "big women" clothing ghetto for quite awhile before making the leap to the dark side. Once I did, I found that I looked better because I wore clothes that fit instead of hiding in the big T-shirts. The thing that gets me is that most people don't get why I'm trying to lose weight. I simply don't feel good about myself because I got this way by being lazy (not exercising) and eating junk. Indulgent behaviors that showed no willpower or self-respect. I now go to the gym three times a week and pay attention to what goes into my mouth. Sometimes it's junk. But I pay attention. I've lost six pounds. I have muscles. I'm still over 200, but I already feel better.

I stumbled upon this post--I'll be back!