New Formula Preschooler: Now With More "NO!" And Extra Stompy

As much as I love my daughter, and lawd knows I do in great big gobs, I may soon need to move to a residence separate from the one she lives in. Just for a little while. Just until she becomes, you know, SANE AGAIN.

I'm not sure when all of this began. Maybe two weeks ago? That's when I started noticing it at least, and coming to conscious full-stops in the face of her behavior, thinking to myself: Gee, what got into her? And WOAH, I guess someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! And Hmm, I wonder if cocktails before lunchtime would be viewed by others as foreshadowing a drinking *problem*?

For example, last night I was struggling to get M into the bathtub, accompanied by the drone of her whining that she didn't want the water they way *I* like it (skin-sizzling hot), but how *she* likes it (tepid at best). So I ran the bath, erring on the side of lukewarm-ish, and directed her to please get in (PLEASE! I asked nicely and everything!). She dipped one toe in and jerked backward, recoiling as though I'd just pressed a red-hot poker to the tender sole of her tiny foot. "HOT! HOT! HOT!" she yelped, hopping up and down for hotness-emphasis. I dipped my entire arm up to the elbow in. It was barely warm, nowhere near hot.

Already exasperated, I slumped against the tub, arm still dangling in the water. "M, this is not hot. It's just how you like it. Now please, stop this and get in."

Her whole body stiffened. Her lips curled inward, turning white as she pressed them together. One leg lifted, then stomped down, BOOM. "NO!" she spat.

Let me say now that I would never hit my child. NEVER. I never have, I never will. I don't believe in corporal punishment, I don't believe in using fear and pain as tools to control anyone's behavior, least of all someone who isn't even old enough to wipe their own butt. But so help me god, there's something about the look in her eyes at these moments -- the audacious, open defiance -- that makes my blood boil and my fists involuntarily clench. It's almost like some kind of switch flips inside my brain when she shouts "NO!", turning me from mostly calm and stable Mommy into I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT Mommy. At least twice in the past couple of weeks I've caught myself yelling at her. "NOW!" -- it's the blunt instrument approach communication-wise, raising the decibel level to compel action. And if that fails? I have no idea.

Think it's too late to return her, or exchange her for a different, more compliant kid? Something in a beige, perhaps?

This near-daily, ongoing power struggle is exhausting, and for the past two weeks I've found myself fearing these outbursts, hoping they won't come, dreading the thought that they might. I've been putting a lot of energy into imaginative pre-dreading -- you know, reliving past conflicts and extrapolating from them scenarios for possible future conflict which I then role play in my mind. Where dread is concerned, I find it pays to be prepared. Plus I'm skilled in psychological self-torment. It's a gift.

For the time being, we're trying to offer concrete consequences for her defiance. Not listening, "NO!"-ing, general belligerence, and tantruming all lead to privileges being removed, such as TV viewing, computer time, and play dates. Of course, removal of those things is also punishment for ME, because without them she begins whining incessantly, claiming to "have nothing to do" and to be "bored." It seems the grand and glorious imagination of children we've all heard tell of was GREATLY exaggerated, as mine appears to be lost without Nick Jr. (or Nick Jr. dot com, for that matter). Which probably just underscores what a bad parent I am, but whatever. She eats. Several times a day. It's all good, right?

Anyway, the taking-away-of-things-she-enjoys seems to be good incentive to not behave like an asshole monkeybutt doo-doo head. So far, so good. At times like these, I feel as if I'm getting a whiff of the future: a foretaste of a decade down the road, when I'll be taking away car keys and confiscating cell phones. I'm sure when that time comes I'll look back on all of this and laugh at myself, chuckle at my comparative greenness. And then I'll go to M's bedroom door and whisper a loving goodnight to her, secure the intricate series of iron chains and deadbolts I put in place there when she turned Thirteen, and set the hair-trigger ESCAPED TEENAGER ALERT alarm to "STAY."

Comments

[Rebecca]

OMG, you killed me with that last sentence. Too funny! I think this might be my favorite post by you ever (well one of my favorites).

[sweetney]

Rebecca: well i'm glad SOMEONE liked it :)

[BaltimoreGal]

I do not even know what to say. I think you may have to lock her up until she's 25.

[Maria]

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. :-)

Drinking at noon is permissible since it is six o'clock somewhere.

[Jo]

"She eats. Several times a day. It's all good, right?" Exactly! Now that's good parenting!

All these phases they go through can be so maddening. But I definitely don't look forward to the teenage years, when all this little kid stuff will probably look like a walk in the park, as you say.

[Pamela]

What's really awesome are the Google ads that showed up to the right of your post. "Discipline Do's and Don'ts", "Parenting Advice," "Spanking?" and my personal favorite: "Turn Around Behavior Now." The body copy reads "Get the secret formula that will stop the disrespect." Obviously, since I have a 2.5-year-old, I clicked through.

[Pendullum]

I used to have a MANTRA I would repeat when Scooter was being... well..'difficult'...
And somehow it gave me solace...
'Today is the day
We give babies away,
With a half a pound of tea,
If you know some ladies,
That would like some babies,
Send them on over to me..'

Somehow, it always worked...
I got some strange looks inpublic places as my eyes bugged out,and my lips perced...
But it worked just the same...

[Melanie]

"...and confiscating cell phones... secure the intricate series of iron chains and deadbolts I put in place there when she turned Thirteen, and set the hair-trigger ESCAPED TEENAGER ALERT alarm to 'STAY.'"

How did you know how I run my household? That's eerie.

No, but seriously, from the perspective of an almost-14-year-old's mom, I have to say: 13 is the new Angry Three-Year-Old. And then it's also one of the coolest things in the world. So there you go. Lots of help, right? Yeah.

[angela]

It's almost like some kind of switch flips inside my brain when she shouts "NO!", turning me from mostly calm and stable Mommy into I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT Mommy.

Oh my god, SERIOUSLY. I can deal with "no." But there is a certain type of "no" - with the look in the eye and the tone and the whole thing - that just seriously, SERIOUSLY makes me start mentally sending her ass out back for a switch, or whatever it is people do pre-whoopins. Damn kids.

[angela]

Er, that first paragraph should have had italics, or some quotes around it, or some such. I swear I am not a plagiarizer or a defender of plagiarism. Please don't call me any mean words. ;D

[christine stephens]

oh ho. ha ha. i have a 16 year old.

anyway, get the book 1-2-3 magic and you too can become one of those moms that says. "One.........." menacingly in public.

this is my recommendation as a book seller. as a parent i was just scary, so i didn't need the counting menace. scariness still sorta works (and no, i never hit mine either).

love ya.

[kate]

If I may...
"Setting Limits for your Strong Willed Child by Robert MacKenzie"
SAVED. MY . LIFE!
My kid is 5 and wooohooo...he's been acting like that since..ummm ..I don't know ...6 months old.
Good Luck!

[Mrs. Flinger]

This sentence may be my favorite evah of all time, "the taking-away-of-things-she-enjoys seems to be good incentive to not behave like an asshole monkeybutt doo-doo head"

YES. I need more of that! I'm just bribing at my house. ;-)

[jodi]

I'm am right there right you. And mine's not 3 yet.

[Laura D.]

Love and Logic (http://www.loveandlogic.com) also works for some people. This is just so one of those your mileage WILL vary a TON topics!

[zenmomma]

The book Raising Your Spirited Child helped me a lot with the way I approached my daughter's strong preferences. She's 14 now and a delight. Seriously. It doesn't have to be a power struggle. I love being with my teens.

Good luck! :o)

[Katie Kat]

Ahhhhh... I'm hiding in the corner fearing the day I have to start dealing with this type of behavior. Bethany's only two now, and I'm already using the 1-2-3... method. Of course, when I get to three, she just says "four! five! six!" like we've suddenly launched into a fun counting game and not amatuer discipline!!

(WOW, I actually put this in the correct entry this time! GO ME!)

[Susan]

I feel ya! I have an almost 11-year old girl who had me pulling my hair out since forever. We have a love-hate relationship. Thankfully right now, it's more love than hate. I think I'm going to have to read one of those books so I don't end up in the nut house and/or she makes it to adulthood.

[caramama]

OMG, what a perfect post! This is hysterical! I mean, it totally sucks and I'm not looking forward to that age (mine's only turning 1 next week), but you wrote about it so well and made it so funny.

If you are interested in books, I'll add my recommendation: Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. It's applicable to many ages.

Good luck!

[Summer]

Too funny! I've got a toddler and a preschooler, so insanity is a daily part of my life. ;) Found your blog while jumping around. Anyone who buys their kids Radiohead and Beastie Boys shirts rules in my book.

[Jenn]

Ohhhhh, you make me feel soooooo much less alone, in so many ways.

AND you giveth me the LOL Cat Bible.

I oweth you.

[Mrs. Flinger]

ohdeargod, you're right. I'm you. holyhell, I thought this just the other day. The Seever's had it right with the above garage apt. Just wish I could boot my three year old there. *sigh*

[laura]

I totally understand your frustration. Sometimes, when The Girl is being particularly vexing, it is all I can do not to put her out with the recycling.

[denise]

I think the fact that you don't spank AND don't have a drinking problem should earn you the mother of the year award. Can I tie mine in the yard with the dog?

[joy]

sooo hear you on the 'who is being punished here' side of things -- take away tv and all screen things, and what are you left with? A child who appears to have no ability to self entertain. Grrr. I do find that if I don;t give in too much, he'll normally figure something out -- normally including play dough or daleks. Also! A wonderous thing has happened-- he is learning to *read.* I can now say 'go to your room and read a book.' Hoorah!

[zora]

I read somewhere that a child learning to say a defiant NO! is actually a good sign of developing self-awareness.

I know it's not much of a consolation now, but just imagine her 10-15 years from now if someone were to try to make her do something she did not want to do. You would be glad if she were still able to say that unequivocal defiant NO! She needs to learn to defy authority for the time when you are no longer her only authority. It's all a survival mechanism, really.

[Michelle]

Right there with ya! In fact I just posted about this same power struggle at my house. Funny about the lukewarm water, my son is the same way, drives me crazy.

This is what they should tell people contemplating parenthood about! Not diapers and sleepless night! At least those little boogers cant talk back!

[b]

de-lurking b/c I have the exact same issue with my little girl. I am not opposed to spanking, but I limit it to a hand that is reaching for the hot stove/coffee/grill, or something I want to send the message "That will hurt!".

The attitude was KILLING ME. And then, some kind angel gave me a key to unlock the frustration of parenting a sassy little miss. Sassy Spray. For me, it's just vinegar in a little spray bottle. The screaming banshee is usually subdued with just the mention of the stuff.

[kate]

hello! i have a 6 and a 4 yr old, i totally know where you are coming from.....what i try and do is ignore the tantrums, and wait until they stop if i have the time and am in the zone.....if i don't have time then i do what you do...or just undress and plonk in bath!! i believe it's really important to not get your blood pressure up, stay calm, and stick to your guns. staying calm will help you feel better and the situation won'tescalate. Now having said all of this, i definitely agree with the person that said drinking before midday is ok it's six oclock somewhere!!! good luck, and have faith in yourself :-)

[Kimberly]

You had me at the "extra stompy." So hysterical...!

And, cocktails before lunch? No problem. You'd be in good company with the other mommies-of-stompies-who-brunch. You just need to learn how to brunch on the go... In my opinion, diaper bags should SO come with an extra bottle pocket for a Mommy-flask.

Very very funny post.