Having It Both Ways

The following post was authored by the snazzy (I'm sorry, language has just kind of fallen apart for me at this point) Heather of No Pasa Nada

A few months ago I attended a fundraiser in the District of Columbia with two of my bosses and someone I used to intern for. As with most events, political or not, everyone does the over the shoulder, scan the room thing. It probably seems rude to peruse the crowd while mid-conversation but on the other hand, how else would you know that Senator Smith has just entered the room? So everyone does it with the understanding that it isn’t personal just business and trying to get the perfect time to do some serious ass kissing.

So while my bosses stood to the side of the room, I moseyed my way to the bar. I get nervous at events and always need something to do with my hands and usually that something is holding a glass. I am often impressed by the way I’ve learned to carry a glass of wine and a cheese plate with one hand and give a hearty shake with the other hand. I balance my crackberry on top of my head so that I always look busy and important. As I turn away from the bar a girl comes up to me and exclaims ‘Heather!’ I quickly look at her nametag (another trick because um, I never remember anyone’s name like ever) and no flicker of recognition comes from her name or the company she’s with. But I smile anyway because I also do not ever smile, like ever, but I figure that maybe I should try something new like not looking like a stuck up bitch.

When I smile she smiles back and tells me that she recognizes me from my blog. The word ‘blog’ forces me to smile harder while glancing towards my bosses who are completely oblivious and enjoying the free beer. And even though they are very well aware that I have a blog where I write in a very public place about my extensive shopping and drinking habits and the difficulties I encountered when I first moved back to Upstate New York and that I have strong feelings about Republicans and sometimes I bake and that I am overly neurotic and I talk about my boobs and that I say ‘fuck’ for no rhyme or reason; though they know all of these things I still feel my heart skip a beat the second this woman says the word ‘blog’ out loud.

And while I smile harder and take a gulp from my wine glass (crappy, crappy merlot) I try to make casual conversation while still feeling as if someone has just disclosed my deepest, darkest secret. I start to shift uncomfortably as my mind races because this is a work event and I am in front of my bosses (my bosses who really didn’t give two shits as to what I was doing at that moment) and I don’t like discussing the blog in front of other people. I quickly look down and take note and am thankful that I am wearing a presentable suit and my hair isn’t consuming my face and my shoes are cute, pointy and patent leather. I thank her for her kind words and lament on how awkward this all is and then half walk and run to the other side of the room.

It’s not as if this is the first time it’s ever happened but this is the first time I’ve noted how ashamed and seemingly nervous I become when talking about something that is so very open. It’s actually how I have always been when the blogging comes up at work or even at home or in front of friends; I am reluctant to answer questions or even acknowledge the fact that I have one whenever someone broaches the subject. All of which is odd because over the years it has gone from something I was apathetic towards to something I am mildly proud of. I mean it clearly does not hold Pulitzer Prize winning prose but it is a collection of anecdotes, trials and tribulations that I’m sure people wish they had of their 20’s, no matter the egregious mistakes made, at least there is something to look back on. There’s also the fact that over the last few years I’ve taken to letting my nerd flag fly at times and geeking out with the best of them. So I don’t know where the apprehension comes from. It’s as if I want to have it both ways: I want the praise but I don’t want to talk about it. I am proud of myself and my ability to keep up with something for almost three years and yet embarrassed at the same time.

And while I know I am certainly not the first blogger to ever shy away from the topic of blogging, especially around non-bloggers or ‘real life’ family and friends, I’m still left wondering how I could be so wary of something that I have made so public. Or am I perpetually going to be the girl who likes to have it both ways.