My 22-month-old toddler and I are having a slight disconnect.

The following post was authored by the magnificent Sarah of Whoorl and Hair Thursday

You see, I (his anal-retentive mama) want him to drink out of a straw-type sippy cup, so his cocktail of choice (milk) doesn't continue creating puddles all over my house.

Ahhh, the elusive sippy cup. BPA-free plastic, special spouts, no-leak valves, I've bought them all. Yet my efforts to find the perfect blend of form and function have not proven futile.

Look at all that plastic! There are 2,476 varieties in that cabinet!

To make a horribly lengthy sippy cup explanation short, either the spouts leak all over the place or the "no-leak" valves are so intense that my toddler experiences brain hemorrhages just trying to suck the liquid out.

(By the way, those Born Free cups? I bought 3 at Whole Foods and they cost me $50.00. FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR THREE DRINKING RECEPTACLES. And then I died. The end.)

((In other news, can you believe this is my life? Ranting about sippy cups while guest-posting on Sweetney's blog?))

Moving on. I recently found the sippy cup of my dreams, involving a straw which does not leak while on its side, yet does NOT involve Olympic-strength sucking.

Hallelujah! Until I realized that my toddler didn't know how to drink from a straw.

Well, it couldn't be that hard right?

(BWHAHHAHHHAAAAAAAAAA.)

Without further ado, How NOT To Teach Your Kid To Drink From A Straw.

1. Imitation - "See mama drink from the straw? YUM, YUM JUICE IN THE STRAW!  "Here comes the juice! Up the straw it goes!", "Can you drink from the straw like mama?" (Trying not to spew profuse amounts of apple juice all over the kitchen after my 49th try.)

2. Google Tips - "See how I fill the straw up and let it drip into your mouth until you close your lips around it, starting at a 90-degree angle? Then a 45-degree angle?" "No? OK, neither do I."

3. Flattery - "You are such a BIG boy! Look at you eating that straw!", "How about you SUCK from the straw, you incredibly smart little man?"

4. Threats - "Do you want a time out?", "If you don't suck the juice out of the straw, you're going to regret it.", "Don't make me get your father."

5. Insults - "You make Elmo look like Einstein! SUCK IT!!", "Your mama is a filthy whore!" (Oh, wait. That's me.)

6. Bribery - "My little angel, if you suck the juice out of that straw, mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird. Or a pony. How about a golden ticket? Whatever."

7. Exasperated desperation - (weeping) "Just please put your lips on it and suck."  "Mama's very tired...very tired..."

Did I mention I live in a beach neighborhood where people live with windows open and access to everyone else's personal business? I'm sure that last diddy sounded rather compelling to both sets of neighbors.  "Well, HELLO, Mr. and Mrs. Jones! I hope you enjoyed my completely innocent yet overtly sexual sucking references yesterday afternoon! Peace be with you!"

So, after numerous failed attempts, I finally threw in the towel. Totally defeated and dejected. Over a goddamn straw.

I walked into the living room to pick up some toys, returned to the kitchen, and Voilá!

How To Teach Your Kid To Drink From A Straw:

Apparently, you don't.

Awesome.