Timing Is Everything

The following post was authored by the totally kickass Schmutzie

I had an English teacher in grade twelve who asked my us each to write a short story.  She first read through a couple of classics to try to impress upon us that, much like stand-up comedy, timing was everything.  I was overwhelmed with the task of writing a story with perfect timing, so I instead wrote a piece about the moments just before an old woman's natural death in bed. I figured that if nothing happened aside from lying around in bed, I was playing it safe. I wasn't. I was just being depressing.  An incident this past week, though, brought that lesson about timing to mind, and that teacher was absolutely right.

The past week has had a very strong poo theme running through it.  I superstitiously watch for the rule of three when bad things start happening, and this was the third bad poo happening within five days, so Iam hoping that this was not only third but the last. am hoping that this was not only third but the last.

That two pounds of sweetness pictured to the left is Lula, our latest of three cats which we have acquired over the last three years. I and a couple of friends stole her from a man who was, in essence, trying to trade her for beer, and despite what I am about to tell you, I am still glad that we did.

She has this little problem that comes along with having a kitten's somewhat delicate digestive system, and that is that she her poo tends to be a little on the runny side.  Also, it usually smells as though we took her food, buried in a sack in a damp hole for a few days, and then slow-roasted it with some month-old gas station hot dogs and a generous basting of melted nacho cheese dip.  If she had not been so starved, helpless, and cute when we first stole her, I would not be in this cat way for the third time, but, damn, when she looks up at me and says her tiny kitty mew! and starts to purr at top volume, I am the one who is helpless.

Our upstairs neighbour came down to borrow our corkscrew, and while she and the Palinode were chatting at the door, all of the cats took turns bolting from the apartment.  I managed to scoop up Lula before she disappeared up the stairs, but because it was a spontaneous action on my part, my right middle finger landed squarely on her little butthole.  Which was moist.  And squishy.  With poo.

The upstairs neighbour was feeling quite chatty, and so there I was, talking about wine and and friends and employment with a poo-covered finger on another animals butthole. I could not move my finger away from its tragic position for fear that my pooiness would become known, so I stood steadfast against the prolonged poo contact in order to remain polite.  I was going to be caught poo-fingered in front of a new acquaintance. It was, to say the least, not the coolest moment of my life to date.

The moment our neighbour walked back up the stairs, I ran for the kitchen sink and plunged my fingertip into some liquid soap to soak off the excrement.  Do you know what Lula did simultaneously?  She sat down not five feet from me and cleaned her butthole until it was a pristine baby pink.

Timing is, indeed, everything.

Comments

[Florencia]

Grooooossssss! Yeah, my cats prostest about the state of their litter box by dragging their poo-covered butts on our floor leaving lovely skid marks AND by dragging some of their poo out of the box and onto the floor. The one time I bought one of those fancy tent covers for the box they got so mad they peed on top of it rendering it useless. Cats, gotta love 'em. Or make a lovely hat out of them , I am still undecided.

[Vicki]

Ok. That was gross. Now I gotta go wash my hands just from reading it. Gag!!

[schmutzie]

May I apologize now for any discomfort I have caused/will cause the weak-stomached among you.

[Bikerchick_Barb]

Ewwww. True story ahead, to make you feel better. (Apologies in advance; I just know this is gonna come out sounding all wrong.) I was chucking the ball for doggus on the front lawn this week, and happened to notice poo that needed immediate removal so landscaper dude wouldn't grind it in when next he mowed. Lacking a baggie, I just reached down, and well, scooped it up in my hand. (My dog eats a raw diet, and his poo is like hard, dry little chalk bullets, not soft nor stanky as you might get from feeding kibble.) As I'm about to turn towards door for said baggie, neighbor trots by to show off new puppydog, all squeals of excitement, demanding I love on her new pupper. In my right hand, the drooly tennis ball, in my (politically correct) left hand, the poo.

LA LA LA LA I signal her to wait, surreptitiously drop the poo, and run to the house to wash. A moment later I emerge, all smiles, finally ready to inhale the puppy breath. As the puppy is wildly licking my face, she proceeds to ask me what I use on my lawn because her puppy *really* scored a yummy treat. I look down, and well; the poo I dropped is all gone...!!!

[catnip]

Oh. My. God. You KNOW I've been waiting for this story and it was even funnier than I expected. Wayyyyyy grosser too...

[witchypoo]

When I was toilet training my younger son, he went around bare butt so I could keep an eye on things. He was about to drop a huge log on the rug, and I had to grab it with my one hand, and pick him up with the other. I think my freakout set him back a few months.
Why does everyone love poo stories?
Or is it just me?

[savia]

You're the only person I know who would tell the Interweb about how you had your finger up your cat's butt, and I love you for it, Schmutzie!

[akakarma]

I just crack up at poo stories. I've read a couple of good ones on blogs and yours is way up there on the chuckly cute scale! Just the picture of that adorable albeit temporarily yucky butthole makes me laugh so that my hubbie gives me funny looks! That Lula is so damn cute!

[Heidi]

EWW! You have very good patience and obviously way more tact that I do. I would have made the most awful noise and immediately dashed to the sink. It makes me feel better to bring people into my misery. And it gives me someone to laugh with.

[Kate]

I've said it before: kitties are lucky they're cute.

[trinity67]

Many years ago one Saturday morning I woke up and rolled out of bed. I opened my bedroom door and discovered small piles of diarreah approximately every twelve inches or so, everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In the living room, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the couches, on the countertops and of course, on the carpet. Horrified I tip-toed through the Poo Minefield and found my cat huddled up against a living room wall with eyes the size of saucers, her entire back-end covered in runny poop.

[unacoder]

i was startled once to find my cat dragging her butt along our apartment floor, leaving 'cat stripes' about four inches long here and there. because of her apparent fear of being attacked rectally, i ended up chasing her around the apartment between rooms and around furniture. once seized, i discovered a string hanging out about an inch, still covered in muck. while fighting to restrain the still animated beast, i pulled the string out another few inches. thankfully, i had easy access to toilet paper for the operation.