Zombies: An Abusers Guide
Last night I had the distinct pleasure of viewing the program "Fear Files: Zombies!" on The History Channel, the content of which served not only as a useful guide to our long-enduring collective cultural fascination with the reanimated undead, but also contained many helpful undead dos and don'ts which my conscience now compels me to share with you, the potential Zombie victim:
Know your Zombies: Reanimated corpse or soulless slave?
According to the Vodoun tradition of Haiti, the Zombie isn't necessarily
risen evil dead, but may instead be merely a still-living-human whose
soul has been ceremonially extracted for the purposes of turning the
extractee into a sort of mindless, automatonish slave. In fact, the
modern conception of the Zombie as a reanimated, cannibalistic corpse
comes primarily from their portrayal in Hollywood film (see: Night of the Living Dead).
In any case, recognizing what type of Zombie you're dealing with is
crucial, as one Zombie may be relatively harmless and easily subdued,
while the other will stop at nothing in order to feast on your
braaaaains.
But assuming the worst -- that your Zombie attackers are of the cannibal-evil-dead variety -- what do you need to know to protect yourself from this Zombie scourge?
How To: Escaping Zombies
Stay as far away from centers of commerce and well-used public spaces
as possible. Zombies are known to return to places they frequented
while alive, and so shopping centers, grocery stores, and malls and the
like are right out. Some particularly good places to hide from Zombies
would include remote abandoned castles (where available), off-shore oil
rigs, and -- interestingly enough -- graveyards, since their
inhabitants tend to shuffle off elsewhere in search of living human
flesh when the Zombie plague strikes.
How To: Fighting/Killing Zombies
Though it seems counterintuitive, your best weapon against the Zombie
might be something as simple as a large knife or machete. High-powered
rifles, shotguns, and machine guns may have little impact, causing the
average Zombie to simply stagger slightly when shot. Chainsaws need
fuel, which makes them a less than reliable weapon, especially in the
event of a large-scale Zombie attack, when access to resources and
provisions may be obstructed and/or limited. Flamethrowers, while
admirable for their scope and range, sadly tend only to make what was
once a relentless flesh-eating corpse into a flaming, relentless flesh-eating corpse,
which may be less than helpful. And so it is that knives, machetes,
and/or swords are the weapons of choice, particularly since beheading
Zombies and burning their heads/brains* to cinders is the only sure way
to re-kill a Zombie in any permanent sort of sense.
FYI: Zombie Quick Facts:
- They are no stronger than living humans, but unlike us do not experience fatigue or tire
- Are of very low intelligence, and can be easily driven over cliffs or out windows
- Incapable of using language beyond creepy guttural groaning and moaning
- Cannot be drowned, since they do not breathe to begin with
- Do not experience pain (thus going for the groin, for example, would not be helpful)
- Cannot be reasoned or negotiated with
Remember that knowledge is power, my friends, and I hope -- for the
sake of all living humankind and the continuance of civilization as we
know it -- that this briefing serves to bolster your defenses against,
and understanding of, this most formidable of imaginary foes.
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*You will also need matches. Lots and lots of matches.
. . . . . . .
[NOTE: This post was republished with my permission, because I wrote it for MamaPop a couple years back]
[NOTE II: I did mention I have writer's block. Stop looking at me like that!]
[NOTE III: You have to admit, it's pretty awesome. Zombies! Yay!]
