Falling

This is the most difficult, awful thing I've ever had to put down in words. And I don't know how to begin with it -- knowing that I must begin, that I must say the words and drag them out into the light and make this soul-crushing awful thing I've been grappling with for so long real, real in a way it can't otherwise be -- because how long can I hide it, really? How long can I pretend it isn't real, when almost every day I have to talk to all of you, as I have been for five years now, and say something, anything, about myself and my life? It's impossible. I've never been a person who could convincingly put on a mask, not without everything I feel and think, the truth, visibly leaking out around the edges.

This weekend Jamie and I separated. I can't even begin to tell you how unreal it is, saying those words. It is amicable and a decision mutually come to, but that doesn't make it any less gutting and heartbreaking. And I have no idea how to talk about it -- there's a lot obviously I won't, can't, say about it, because whatever happens and however things end up this will always be my family, and I love Jamie, and also because I am in full wounded animal mode and dearly wish I could just draw a protective force-field around my life, shut down. But I can't, not completely. Friends, family, and this life online I've constructed over ten years, will intrude, have to intrude, and I have to find a way to handle that reality or I won't be able to go on writing here. And maybe I won't anyway. But until now writing here has been, with only a few notable exceptions, something I've drawn a lot of comfort and understanding and strength from for many, many years. A place I've felt understood -- sometimes more here than anywhere else. And now, today, and for probably a long time to come, I'm going to need that understanding, and your patience, more than I ever have.

I don't know how to get through this, how to survive this. How do people survive this? How are they ever happy again, how do they go on? I want to know, really. Those of you who have been here, where I am, I would love to hear from you. I could use to hear that, despite how it seems and how I feel at this moment, my life really isn't just kind of over now.

Comments

[KBO]

Sending you big, big, big hugs from STL. That's about all I can say.

[jodifur]

I knew this was coming based on our emails this weekend, and still this post moved me. How brave and strong you are.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are no answers. Take care of yourself.

[Kat]

You'll get through this. Stay strong. *big hugs*

[TwoBusy]

I'm trying to think of something to say, but all that's going through my head is the sound of shattering glass.

I'm so sorry.

[Kim Prince]

So sorry. News like this hits like a blow to the reader, I can't imagine what it's like, then, for you.

[samantha jo campen]

I'm so sorry. We're here for you.

[Cristina Hanganu-Bresch]

I am so so sorry. I have been through this--my husband and I separated after our first (and extremely difficult) year of marriage, but we got back together after one year. It's been 7 years of a quite happy marriage so far (or 6, if you take out that year of separation). I still can't think back of that year without a sinking feeling in my stomach, though.
- Cristina

[Velma]

So, so, so sorry you are going through this right now. I haven't been through it, but my dear sister did a couple years ago. You will get through it, you really will, although I know you can't see how.

[liv]

Where you are now? That's where I was in 2006 when I started blogging. I started writing memes and dumbass shit to just do something while I felt generally gutted. Then, one day, I got a comment on my blog. And, I realized, that even if I was alone in my process, I was not entirely alone.

Today, after 15 months of litigation and way too much money spent on a divorce that was supposed to be amicable, I am truly happy. You will find happiness again, find someone who makes you thrilled to wake up each day, and I hope that you'll be able to look at that new person who you never thought you'd find or love and say (as I did last night): I love you so much, and I love this life we have together.

Wishing you love, light & peace.

[CroutonBoy]

I'm really sorry to hear this. Separating from someone you care about and built a life with, regardless of how amicable it is, is a crushing experience, full of unknowns and open wounds. What I can tell you, having been through it myself once before, is that as much as it SUCKS right now (and will for a while) the inevitable lifting of the burden the things that drove you apart caused will give you strength.

When it happened to me I felt like a failure, like I'd let myself and my loved ones down, and that the challenge of rebuilding my life would be punishing. But it's amazing how quickly your mind reorients itself. You have the benefit of a community of friends and readers who you can talk to and will support you, even if you're gushing tears and wringing the skin off your hands. Use them. Express what you feel, no matter how raw it is. And remember that you're strong, independent, smart, and utterly capable of moving forward.

I also recommend staying away from sad mopey music and keeping an ample supply of your favorite alcohol and favorite drinking buddies handy.

[Issa]

I wish I had a single answer to share, something helpful, but I just don't. I'm so sorry though. Sending you tons of hugs.

[In Due Time]

I am so sorry hon. :-(

((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[Holmes]

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I barely know you, but here's a big virtual hug all the same.

[mr. big dubya]

I have no words for you, friend. Nor do I have any answers. You will get through it though and you have tons of friends who will be there to help make that happen. ::Hugs::

[bessie.viola]

So sorry to hear this. Haven't been there myself, but just offering support for the road ahead.

[Emma]

Aww - so sorry. Gut wrenching. Don't know what to say other than I hope you can find some comfort, somewhere.

[the weirdgirl]

I'm so so sorry. Big, huge hugs to you. It's horrible now but in the end it'll be alright.

[Sarcastic Mom]

I don't have words of experience for this kind of situation... but I'm sorry, I'm thinking of you and you have as many virtual hugs as you need from my corner of Teh Internet.

[Mrs. CPA]

I'm so sorry. So, SO sorry. Love you you, M and Jamie.

[Sundry]

I am so sorry. I hope the worst of it passes quickly, and what emerges on the other side is a stronger, happier, more fulfilled you.