I swear by all that is right and good in this world that this isn't some kind of covert Disney plug

It's like motherfucking Wild Kingdom around here these days. WILD KINGDOM OF THE DAMNED.

So here's what happened.

I was sitting in my living room this morning trying to jump-start my brain with epic doses of caffeine, when I heard a very light scratching sound coming from behind our TV cabinet (if you'd like a visual aid to help you conjure an image of the setting for this story, the giant black armoire to the left in this photo is said TV cabinet, and I was seated in the chair visible in the foreground). The scratching sound lasted for perhaps two or three seconds and then stopped, so I shrugged it off. Our house was built in 1914, it makes all kinds of random and unexplainable noises, believe me. I mean, if I got freaked out every time I heard scratching, or the sound of rattling chains in the basement, or blood curdling screams coming from the attic at 3am, well, I'd be freaked out a whole lot of the time. Anyway, a few moments later I looked to my left and saw a teeny tiny gray baby mouse punch-drunkenly climbing out from behind the cabinet over the thick white satellite TV cables strung along the baseboard.

Right about this time, give or take a few stunned, horrified seconds, was when I began running around in circles like a cartoon character, hands flailing wildly, repeating over and over like a mental patient off her Very Important Meds: OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO. Yeah, so basically I'm real good in a crisis and stuff.

I then did what any sane person would do, which was find a bowl, plunk it down over the mouse to trap it, and then proceed to stand there for five minutes with my mouth hanging open staring at said bowl, as if awaiting further directives from the part of my brain containing Reason and Problem Solving skills. Sadly, my brain was all, Dude, I've done what I can. You're kind of on your own from here on out -- I have some equations related to wave-particle duality I need to be working through. I'M OUT! Stupid brain.

At that moment I was standing about two feet away from my desk (and I use the term "desk" loosely -- it's not so much an actual, functional workspace, but rather a shambolic dumping ground for bills and paperwork and other distinctly Not Fun things I don't really want to deal with (an appointment request card from my dentist has been sitting atop one of the several piles that comprise the mountainous terrain of my desk for well over 6 months; my teeth will surely rot and liquify before I make that goddamn appointment now that the card has been consigned to The Desk Of No Return)), so I grabbed the nearest folder and gingerly scooted it, inch by inch, under the now-mouse-filled-bowl.

On a motherfuckin' roll (I AM A WOMAN OF ACTION! TAKING CHARGE OF THE VERY SERIOUS AND COMPLEX MOUSE SITUATION! YEAH!!!!), I gently picked up the folder/mouse/bowl and took it out onto our broad front walk, so that upon release from its bowl-prison the baby mouse would instantly be vulnerable, exposed and clearly visible to birds of prey from the air.

Yeah that's not very impressive.

Okay, how about this?:

DINNER IS SERVED!

Okay, a couple of things to note here:

1. I swear by the power of Greyskull that it was completely by chance that I grabbed this particular folder. Disney had just recently sent an Imagination Movers CD to me (Imagination Movers exist within the 7th Circle Of Hell incidentally, named "Violence Against Art," located just beneath Circle 8's "Pimps, Panderers and Seducers." The more you know!), so it just happened to be conveniently laying atop the uppermost sedimentary layer of my deskscape. Still, that's some pretty sweet happenstance right there, you gotta admit.
2. OH MY GOD IT'S SO CUTE I COULD DIE, GAH! Why do disease-infested vermin have to be so cute, whhhhhy???
3. Okay, and this is the eerie part: it's a baby. Barely had it's eyes open. Was still unsteady as a newborn foal. So you know what this means, right? THERE IS A NEST OF MICE SOMEWHERE IN MY HOUSE. AIIEEEEE!!!!!
4. © Copyright Walt Disney Records, 2009. All rights reserved. OH I KEED!

(Sorry, got a little caps-lock crazy there. Deeeeep breaths.)

So after a few stunned and trembling seconds, baby mouse scuttled off under the ivy surrounding our front porch. Which probably means that baby mouse will be reappearing inside my house within 24 hours. But really, what am I going to do? Feed it to my cats? Flush it down the toilet? Create a baby-mouse-inspired theme park and animation studio and become a bazillionare? Oh, wait...

(The truth I'm trying very hard not to admit to myself is that baby mouse is probably done for. Poor thing could barely walk yet -- he's not going to present much of a challenge to nearby wildlife with the fever for the flavor of the mouses. Can't say I don't feel bad, I'm kind of a pussy about cute fuzzy mammals truth be told, but it's not like we could keep it...)

(Alright, fine, Circle Of Life and shit, I'm over it. Sigh. Stupid life circle.)

Comments

[Maria M]

Oh. My god.

[Sils]

So cute! SO CUTE.

[karma_musings]

Good thing your daughter wasn't in the immediate vicinity; I can hear the whining now: MOM!! CAN WE KEEP IT?? CAN WE, CAN WE, CAN WE??? BUT **MOM**!!! It's SO CUTEEEEE!!!!!!

;-)

[ali]

GAH.
my mom lives out in the boonies in Wisconsin. and I was once in her kitchen and I saw a tiny baby mouse CRAWL OUT FROM ONE OF THE BURNERS ON HER STOVE ZOMG! I was traumatized.

I can no longer think mice are cute. ever.
and I am thankful she got a new stove - with a flat top.

[Whit]

Are the mice or are they dancers? That's the real question.

[KBO]

Ugh. I hate rodents in all forms. I would have ran away because it obviously would try to kill me.

[kdiddy]

If I was there, I would go, "AAUUUUGGGHHHHHFUCKINGFUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK&(%&(*&$%)(#&)%(&*#)(%()&(%#" and then throw a cat at it.

[IzzyMom]

It's so. damn. cute. If you suspect there are others, get one of those humane traps (please!!!) and just release them far away from your house (you know, like in front of a hated neighbors abode).

[TwoBusy]

What's ironic is that Mickey Mouse was actually eaten by cats while in Annapolis on a USO tour in 1942. Which, in some ways, makes this a kind of performance art tribute by you.

Well done.

[Mrs. CPA]

One year, as we were moving back in to our college dorm room, we unrolled a rug and 5 baby mice ran out. They took off under other people's doors and we had to get someone to unlock the other rooms, catch all of them in a Wal-Mart bag, and then Tim took them out to the field to let them go.

(And I like the Imagination Movers! WAY better than the Wiggles or Barney. Send me that CD. I'll give it all the love and care it truly deserves...)

[Jill]

awww! The cute, fuzzy baby! I'm such a sucker for cute, fuzzy babies!

[Mandee]

You are a brave, brave woman. And I am very, very afraid of all small, fuzzy creatures who are not domesticated. Ergo, I would still be standing on top of some un-upholstered piece of furniture waiting on my dad to come save me if I were in your position. I promise.

And Ali just added to my phobia with the stove story. I will now make sure that my un-upholstered piece of furniture is far, far from the stove as well.

Call me if you have a roach problem--I'm your girl.

[jen]

OMG. SO CUTE. It is too bad mice grow up to be...well, mice because seeing that little one makes me all...OOOH I WANT. How's that for excessive use of caps?

[Erin]

This is almost as cute as that time one of our cats brought a live, wild bird into the house. That was really frickin adorable, especially finding feathers in weird places for like a week afterward.

[some1s_sista]

Laughing so hard cuz I actually like mice - and that one is really cute - and my kids have all had mice, gerbils, hamsters. Yet, when my cat brought a live mouse into the house and dropped it at my feet like a prize...i totally did the same thing "Eek! A mouse!" and an insane dance before catching it in a cool whip container. I guess its just the Human vs. Mouse condition.

[Momo Fali]

For real, it's some serious cuteness. But, only because it was caught at YOUR house.

[Sweetney]

Ohhh well that's just my opinion, mind you. My daughter loooooooooves them, and audibly squealed when I handed the CD over to her. But as luck would have it, her CD player has HEADPHONES!!! :)

[Sweetney]

Were they GERMAN cats?

[Sweetney]

Umm, where do you get those? And how do they work?

[NATUI]

Yeah, this must be the baby cousin of the ones living in our house that we can't seem to catch. They are on to us, the bastards. I thought I was all good with the snap traps until it caught one on the shoulder. Didn't hurt the mouse, just held it there. So I feel ya on the whole "What the hell do I do know?" thing.