Weather Report

Him: Are you surviving? I feel a need to airlift you things - booze, music, etc... I know that in your position I'd still be lying in a pool of myself, wondering where the sky went.

Me: Here's the thing. You think you'd be (as you perfectly put it) "lying in a pool of myself, wondering where the sky went." But you wouldn't. It's kind of amazing. I think it's having kids that does it. The 'lying in a pool of myself' thing -- I've done that before, and over comparatively insignificant breakups, losses, pains. But the truth is it's a luxury, being a mess -- something you can do only when you don't have someone relying on you for their sense of reality and stability. Right now, I actually CAN'T be a mess. It's not an option. At all. M caught me crying just a little the other day and that was bad enough, seeing how unmooring that was for her -- I don't ever, ever want her to see me really fall apart. It would crush her world. If I can hold it together I can help her hold it together, and if she comes through this okay I sure as fuck will. Does that make sense?

Which is not to say the falling apart thing isn't happening in other ways, different ways... it is. But it's circumstantial. I've been crazy before -- real crazy, actual nervous breakdown crazy -- and that's different, scarier. This is more like mental/emotional birth pains. It hurts like hell, I feel a bit out of control, I need an goddamn epidural. But then it'll be over -- it's an event. You can go crazy and be crazy the rest of your life, locked in the terror of disreality, but you can't enact this kind of dissolution for the rest of your life. Once you walk through the fire you walk through the fire, it's done. When I'm on the other side I'll be a bit burned, a bit tender, but it will be over. I'll have survived.

. . . . .
PS: I hope.

Comments

[pgoodness]

Indeed, falling apart is a luxury when kids are involved. Pretty sure it's the kids in this world that save us when we need it most. You're doing ok....you really are.

[Jen]

You are so right. When my husband and I were having trouble and were actually separated for awhile, I used to take showers in the middle of the night, just so I could cry. That way the kids wouldn't catch me crying.

[Snarky Amber]

Falling apart is a luxury, sure, but it's certainly not a help to keep it all in, either. I think what happens there is you one day burst at the seams from stuffing it all in. I hope you're able schedule some time where you can let it all out — bang at the walls, tear your hair, have a good sob in the tub, drink a bottle of wine and put your swollen body to bed for a good ten hours.

I think it's very good to keep it together for M's sake, but you gotta dump the boiler every now and then, too.

I have a big hug with your name on it, payable in three weeks, but here's an e-hug for now. *hug*

[flutter]

You'll do it, beautifully.

[ozma]

I am sure you will survive it. But I hope you will come through in a way that is better than survival--transformed but intact, with your spiritedness still vibrant. If anyone can do this, I think it is you.

There is this interesting way to fall apart inside and hold it together outside. It's very difficult not to let the inside crazy turn into outside crazy, even if just for a minute. But if you are moving forward and going on, then that's an achievement. Don't forget to see your courage for what it is.

A child is such an amazing motivator to keep it together. Alas, it does not work for everyone but it says so much about you that it will. It will for you. There's a lot of bla bla on the internet about mothers and such but the things that you say about your daughter are very touching and there's just something about them--they reveal such a complete devotion to her interests, to letting her be who she is and to giving her utter unconditional love. I don't see that everywhere when people talk about their kids.

This is probably one of those things with all kinds of crazy stages that you can't see at the time but that you can go back and catalogue later. Not totally accurate but an example woudl be: total shock stage and the I will survive stage and the holy crap when will this shit be over and eventually the looking back stage without anguish or rancor. Sometimes there's even the stage where you realize it got you somewhere even better.

The main thing that frustrates me about all life difficulty and life changes and human struggles in our culture is that we are supposed to do everything fast, fast, fast and never inconvenience anyone or visibly struggle or suffer. (Of course, we do ALOT. But it is like some kind of faux pas when we do it.) A lot of Americans (also British people--maybe all anglophones? But I don't want to lump in the New Zealanders and Australians and Canadians and Bermudans and such) hate pain or turmoil or anything really complex and lengthy that reminds them too much of the fundamental challenge of the human condition. I'm being a jerk here, but indulge me because my point is that this is why some people are shallow and uninteresting...So alas, this will make you more interesting and amazing than you already are--I think it will anyway, mostly because you seem basically honest with yourself. That is sort of my recipe for a cheese ball. Honesty + suffering=greater knowledge of self and others.

Not that shit don't suck anyway. And I say this not in the 'look at the fabulous consolation prize' way. Because it is not a consolation prize but just a kind of side effect. Crap like this is not supposed to happen to people. I don't believe in that 'everything for a reason' thing but I do believe people can make their own purpose out of such experiences.

I'm also saying this because one hard thing about facing hard things is, at certain points, there will be people who won't let you face hard things, acknowledge they are hard, let you take your time resolving those hard things and so on. I just want to call bullshit in advance on that....Although this is probably massively premature.

[JenB]

You will be ok. Eventually. Good things will happen, healing will happen. Ozma leaves the most kick ass comments, so I am just following with a you go girl kind of things. You have lots of courage.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Kids do make you strong, make you focus on something other than "it" and to see "it" for what it is: another moment in time, even if that moment seems overwhelming. When my father died, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for a week, break things and find his original doctor and scream at him. But, I couldn't. I did cry in front of the kids, but I wouldn't even have the tears dry before a little hand would touch mine and say, "can I have something to eat?" Pick up, dust off and move on. Sounds callous, but I was so grateful for that and maybe that is how our species has always kept moving forward---by putting down our weight and tending to our young.

[christine stephens]

I'm in love with ozma.

and you.

::hugs::

[Sweetney]

Ozma, you are amazing. Thank you for this, so much. (crying)

[Kathleen]

You know, it's OK to let your kids see you cry. It's OK to let them comfort you. Kids know that sometimes just having someone to hold you and tell you everything will be OK is enough for now.

I have let my kids see my tears when I've been emotionally eviscerated. And I have also told them that they are amazing, and wonderful, and that they make my life worth living.

I have never totally come completely undone in front of my kids. But I have never hidden my feelings from them either. I'm not perfect, life isn't perfect, and sometimes it hurts like hell. I try to teach my kids how to deal with all that crap too, so that they will know how to deal with it if it happens to them.

Sometimes dealing with it means that you cry, and that you let little fingers wipe your tears and little arms hold you tight. Sometimes just breathing in the smell of their hair, and feeling the beat of their hearts next to yours gives you all the reason you need to pick up and move forward. Really - is there any better reason?

[The Queen of Hyperbole]

I have no words. Only sadness for now and hope for the future.

You will get through this. And as Ozma--beautifully--pointed out, there is no hurry. Take your time. And drop M_ off with us if you need some time for yourself.

[Megan]

I think it's admirable that you want to keep it all together as best you can right now, but I have to agree with the above - you need some kind of release, and soon.

[joy]

ozma's comment about allowing yourself time are so spot on. I'm only just learning this myself. We always want the cure so so fast, and then we don't give ourselves time to actually process and confront what's happening. And doing that doesn't have to mean a total breakdown (but avoiding it, bottling or shelving it just might).

[Velma]

Exactly right. Maybe it's because I used to do metalworking, but in hard times I visualize the process of being tempered for strength - blacksmith and anvil and hammer and in the end, something strong and beautiful that excels in function and is finer for all the excess crap hammered out of it.

[TwoBusy]

Q: Does that make sense?

A: Yes. 100% yes.

(p.s. I still think the airlift is a good idea.)

[Krystle @snarkykisses]

You wrote perfectly about how you are doing, and it's just that... you're doing. You're doing what you have to, to get through each day. You look okay on the outside because you have to, but inside you're a puddle. You have a beautiful little girl that needs you, and you want to be strong for her and that's what will carry you through. She is the light at the end of the tunnel; the last piece of the puzzle that will see you through.

You'll have your moments of uncontrollable sadness, fear, tears, and the thought of thinking life will never be the same... but will be okay, and you know that.

I have this quote that I absolutely love and refer back to so so so many times. Maybe you have read it already but I'll still share:

"It is not easy to live life some times and face the world with a smile when you are crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that's still there and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through, you'll come out a new person-stronger, with more understanding and with a new pride in yourself knowing you made it."

[christine]

Others have written it so much more eloquently than I could have. Hugs to you. You're doing great with this.

[Liz]

Yes, exactly. You will come out on the other side...stronger, healthier, smarter. You will be forced to grow. The breakdown stage is a luxury. I hope you get to have a little of it. It was easier for me when my friends just had to keep me breathing and drunk. The hard work started after that. But it passes, it doesn't kill you, and you are stronger. Keep breathing through the labor pains....you are giving birth to yourself right now. It is hard and I hear you and i am rooting for you like so many others.

[Betsy]

Ok - so - maybe a tiny little bit of a different perspective here - but I grew up in a household where everything was ok all the time - regardless of whether it was or not - and I grew up not knowing how to handle it when things went sideways because I never "saw" it happen in front of me. All I felt was the tension underneath. My brothers and I are terrible at conflict resolution because it all happened behind closed doors and we never watched anyone come out the other side. I am not advocating having knock down drag outs in front of M - nor letting yourself be emotionally shredded to ribbons in her presence either - rather more of a middle of the road. She knows that something is going on - OBVIOUSLY because she is your daughter - and if you show her some of your humanity and some of your reality you show her how to be a woman in trouble and how to work it out. I believe - truly believe - that a Mother showing her daughter how to exist and grow and thrive in the face of excruciating pain and adversity is one of the greatest gifts you can give her. Pretending you are ok to save her feelings is......well it's noble. But the truth is that she feels you are sad even if she can't see your tears.

Whatever you decide to do - you are brave - and you know what is best for you and M. Just know that showing her how to live through something difficult with some real emotion attached to it has great value too.

[Miss E]

You'll do more than survive this, you will fly higher because of it. Hugs to you, friend. xoxo