I believe in a thing called love*

*Yes, in case you were wondering, I'm going to subject you to this song, so you might as well get it over with:

There. Now let's move forward and past that silliness together, shall we?

So listen, I have something I want to ask you. And it's all sorts of subjective, but I'm looking for thoughtful opinions, which I suspect you may be in possession of. Because it's my belief that the internet isn't just a repository of the world's porn and pictures of cats with hilariously misspelled captions. No, I believe it's also a space where the wisdom of The Hive Mind often expresses itself with a powerful kind of intensity. (As was the case with the video at the end of this post.)

SO. Ahem. Here goes.

About a week back, I said the following on twitter, aka the segment of internet real estate where I do my best 140 character-limited thinking (accept no substitutes!):

Which, you know, SO TRUE.

But here's the thing: at what point am I allowed to have a relationship again? To, you know, date? Have a boyfriend, even? All that male-female jazz? Anyone? Helloooo, is this thing on?

And okay, I know "allowed" isn't really the right word. I'm a grown, full-busssomed woman, much like SOOKEH, and if I have tah do that thing ya told meh nawt ta do AH WEELL, BEEEEELLL. But I feel as if I'm entering into uncharted territory AGAIN here -- or, worse yet, territory which I imagine others will feel they have some sort of morality-based community stake in, and so in my mind I'm already shrinking from all the imagined tsk-tsk-ing and finger-wagging and UGH STOP IT ALREADY.

(The truth of course is that at the end of the day I'll tell EVERYONE to go to hell if it comes down to doing something I really want to -- I think you all must know me well enough by now to understand that. Indeed, I most assuredly will. But I've also had enough drama, pain, hurt, and associated awfulness this year to last me many many hamster-to-guinea-pig-sized lifetimes, so I'm trying very hard to steer my course away from conflict, both general and specific, whenever possible.)

Listen people, the bottomline is that it's coming up on four months since Jamie and I officially, and perhaps more to the point publicly, split. But as anyone who has been through such a thing knows, the split that matters, the one behind closed doors between two people, happened months earlier. But yes, if you're gonna be a stickler and a purist, four months. Four months of pain and unraveling and untangling and reconstructing and coming-to-terms. Four months of being completely and utterly alone. 

Is it okay if I try to be happy again? If I stop looking back, and start looking ahead? If I try to start over in every way and to open myself to the possibility of... possibility? Is it okay? Is it?

Comments

[Her Bad Mother]

Oh, friend. You know it is.

[OM]

Hey, good luck. I'm just a visitor here, and I don't know the story, but there's a woman who's looking for more out of life and she deserves to get what she wants. Right?

[The Mother Tongue]

Okay, seven people in the newsroom turned to stare at me when I started cackling at that True Blood video. Serves me right.

And, at the risk of sounding like a loathsome self-help book, you're the only person qualified to decide when it's okay to date again. And if anyone wants to get all Judgey McJudgerson on you about it, they can kiss your rosy ass. Mine, too.

[Major Bedhead]

Dood, of course it's ok. It takes as long as it takes and you're ready when you're ready. If you want to go for it now, give it a try, but don't be surprised if it freaks you out and sends you running away either. It's not easy putting your toe back in the dating pool, even when you think you're ready.

Also, dating after a, um, certain age, requires being a lot more willing to take on baggage. You have it and most likely whomever you date will have it too. I met some real doozies (there really is no other word for it) when I started dating again after my divorce.

The only finger-wagging you'll get from me is over that hideous song. Bleurgh.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I think you are "allowed" to do whatever you want. Have a fling, go for coffee, or try to find Mr. OK=anything you feel ready for right now. I suppose Twitter fingers will be wagging if you get married in two weeks, but anything else is fair game IMO. Most importantly, just have fun and be around men (and women) who think you are the coolest and want to spend time with you.

[Joanna]

Hey, if you are ready then give it your best shot. You will learn if it's time by doing.

Happy mingling!

[Loralee]

I don't think love has a time line. Sure, you want to be careful about rebounds and your kid but honestly...you are a smart woman and you have a better insight into yourself than most of the populous, I would say.

I know you'll do whatever you feel is best if it comes down to it so as to what we think, I think it's fine, personally. I also think that the vast majority of people will be behind whatever YOU feel is best for YOU.

Because we want you to be happy.

You know well enough that no matter what the hell you do some people are going to be fucksticks about it.

But those people suck, so screw them. Go and get all the happiness you can. Life is too short to not.

:)

[veep veep]

Life is too short to sit and wait and wonder when you can try to be happy again.

Puh-lease.

It's time for you to spend time with someone who makes you happy.

[marie]

Yes!

[VHMPrincess]

It is OK when YOU feel like it's ok. That's when.

[Toddfather]

For the love of Freddy Mercury's mustache, YES!

[Angela]

It's totally okay. No question. Life is too short for abstract equations and imaginary timelines.

[Redneck Mommy]

You need some romance darling.

Get back in that saddle again and find a bronco to ride.

Ahem.

Be happy love. Life is too short for anything else.

[Boy Crazy]

I don't think dating after a split has any set timeline like those for thank you notes that we're all supposed to know somehow (three months? six months? a year?? who knows the etiquette anymore.) It's going to be different for everybody, and you make your move when you're ready. No one knows but you.

[Amy]

OMG I forgot about that song. I am cracking up watching the video--thanks for that!

Anyway, to answer your question, YES! Go forth and find happiness, whenever you want. It's your life. And M's--so make the best of it.

[Michelle]

I absolutely vote in favor of happiness and possibility. I can honestly say that I've never considered there to be a set amount of time I would find acceptable for someone to wait to begin dating after they've ended a relationship. I agree that people who judge you for your optimism should pucker up and plant one on your fabulous SINGLE tookus.

[Laurie]

Absolutely yes, five times. Grab the joy wherever you can find it. No one else has to live your life so you need to do what is right for you.

PS: it is never too soon to be happy, whether you have to try or not. NEVER.

[Dena]

Welcome to single mommyhood. It can be a fun place, though it takes some getting used to. All I can offer is this: I've watched my daughter attach herself to one man that I've been involved with because she enjoyed the "family" type atmosphere. When I was no longer with that person, she was heartbroken, too, but for different reasons. I involved her too soon and that was a mistake I won't make twice.

Please don't let guilt prevent you from enjoying the company of another. You are all learning how to cope and even M will come to terms with it all. Things work out in their own strange ways. This will work out, too.

[Denise]

I agree with what everyone else says: There's no need to wait to be happy.

The only other person's timeline to be concerned about is your daughter's. I'm sure that you've already thought about this. You don't have to tell her that you're going to start dating again. And your happiness does not necessarily need to wait upon her readiness. Just consider how YOU feel about possibly having to explain to her that you feel ready to start making new friends (or however you explain it to her). And you know better than anybody whether she is ready for this new phase.

I say, if your heart as woman, friend, mother, & lover feels that it is time to explore the possibilities... then it is time to do it.

[kiraa]

In my personal opinion, it isn't okay to date before you're divorced. How can you start a new relationship before then? But whatevs feels right for you is probably what you should do.

Well actually, you should probably do whatever feels right for you and is in the best interest of M. :)