Invictus

This year, it's been about loss for me.

Loss of my ten year relationship, my eight year marriage. Loss of faith, trust, stability, security, my sense of my own place in the world. Loss upon loss. Losses I can't even begin to articulate.

There's much I don't say here, even with all I do say. Things no one can ever know, will ever know, except those individuals directly involved. But even lacking the details and specifics, understand, as I do, that for the rest of my life I'll look back on this year and be astounded, filled with honest-to-God amazement and wonder, that I managed to survive it all.

But survive it I have. I will -- whatever comes next. And for all I've lost, I've gained a sense of my own strength that I never had before, and if nothing else know that for all the pain and loss I've endured, none of it has broken me. Against everything, I've held my ground, endured.

Two months to go. Just two months left.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley, "Invictus"

Fuck you, 2009.

[Thanks, John.]

Comments

[Mary]

It was much the same for me this year, my husband of 9 years (11 years together) and I separated in August. So far as I can tell, the only way out is up, so upward and onward.

2010 has to be *much* better. Right? RIGHT!!???

[Out-Numbered]

Sounds like you don't need to wait for 2009 at all. You just moved on... Hang in there. Oh and I threw up outside of my house last night if that makes you feel any better.

[Ariel]

That is what I said to 2007.

[Sarah]

I said a big ole fuck you to 2008 and 2009 has been a million times better. So here's to an amazing 2010!

[Enna]

OH YES FUCK 2009! By the Grace of God alone am I even alive after all the shit I survived in 2009.

[norm]

Kickass poem -- apparently it was also a favorite of Nelson Mandela and helped him survive his imprisonment. You're in good company, Sweetney!

[Zoeyjane]

I feel the same way about most of the past year and a half. 2010 is gonna be AWESOME to make up for it. I know, I wrote a letter to Santa and everything.

[Mrs Chaos]

A stronger you for 2010...you'll kick it's ass.

[Sweetney]

@norm Well, I'd never compare our trials, but good to know :)

@Enna I was trying to think of something eloquent to say, or a way to put it that wasn't quite so, well, crude... But in the end, really, that's what it boils down to for me, as blunt-instrument a sentiment as it might be: Fuck you, 2009. Oh and the horse you road in on.

[Dena]

I love your sign-off. My Fuck You year was 2006. I hope that was the worst year of my life because to go through one like that (or worse) again would just totally make me punch a stranger in the face.

[Karen (miscmum)]

As you may remember I also have had a shitty year. A real bad one. So on New Years Eve I will toast all those of us who've had a crapper and wish us all the best for 2010. Including you, my dear x

[jodifur]

I hear you on that.

My mom once said to me, and it was the best advice I got, "you get through in life what you have to."

So true.

[Glen]

We had some disagreements on how we viewed Kanye a few months back, but I really hope next year goes better for you. I too have had a rough 2009 and can only hope that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Best of luck and keep at it.

-Glen

[Sweetney]

@Glen I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. Thank you, truly.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

This was my dear Great Uncle Gil's favorite poem of all time. I wanted to read it at his funeral but couldn't find the strength, so I left a copy of it on his grave site a while later. To this day, I wish I read it.

All I can say is that I think you are all kinds of awesome. And you will come through this.

[jer]

Aw man, that sucks! Well, 2009 is almost over - on to bigger and better things!

[Kat]

"A woman is like a teabag. You don't find out how strong she is until she winds up in hot water." Forgot who is responsible for that quote, but it's one that is appropriate for the situation and the person. You're one tough cookie, even if this year is a pretty crummy one. (Sorry, bad pun, but HOW could I resist?)

[flutter]

seriously.

[Sharon]

This is exactly what I needed to hear (or read). 2008 and 2009 have been the worst years of my life. This poem gave me encouragement. Here's to a much much better 2010!

[jess]

Ohhh my god, thank you. I needed to hear this, all of this, so very much. It might make me really selfish, but when you've had a tragically bad year, it's nice to know you're not the only one. I just wish I'd remembered this poem before my sister's memorial. Maybe I'll do like the poster above and leave a copy for her :)