Sweetney

"Because there's no bumper sticker to celebrate mediocrity"

As a confirmed child pimp, I SO NEED THIS BOOK:

Tips, man. Can't get enough of em'.

A brief excerpt:

ALSO: "Learn How To:

• Determine your traumatizing “type”
• Cultivate your children’s resentment
• Give your children enough material to write a memoir someday
• Defend your choices against others who’ve opted to traumatize differently"

Orderable (it's a word, I just made it up) here (and while you're at it, you may want to also pick this book up, because I can't tell you the number of times the wisdom of poo has helped me get through tough parenting decisions). Two thumbs up, five gold stars, it's the feel-good book of the summer, THE END.

I'm too old for ALL of this shit

Things of note -- the good, the bad, and the fugly:

• I'm gonna be published! Like, in a real, actual book and stuff! I KNOW! It's like someone confused me -- a lowly child-exploiting pimp -- with a real writer! Oh, inverted world!
  

• I am (yawn) A PIMP! YES, AGAIN! BUT IN AN ALL-NEW PIMPTASTIC WAY: I PIMP OTHER BLOGGERS! BLOGGERS I KNOW AND LIKE! FOR SHAME ON ME AND ALL OTHER PIMPS/HOS LIKE ME WHO LIKE OTHER BLOGGERS! (yawn)

• In case you hadn't caught on yet, the word of the day week (month?) is "Pimp". I have no idea why this is the case, but clearly IT JUST IS. Do not question the wisdom of the hive mind! Go out and use it whenever and wherever you can, my friends. Everyone else is doin' it. Sheep say Baaaaah!
  

• I'm almost 38 years old. I'm almost 38 years old and last night I stayed up until (gasp!) 2am, and over the course of the entire 6-hour evening spent lustily chitty-chatting with a my friend Angela I consumed a grand total of 3 glasses of wine (double gasp!). This equation -- 38x2am+3wine -- naturally means I feel like a whole convoy of tractor trailer trucks filled with anvils did the hokey-pokey on my whole entire self -- my corporeal form right down to my immortal soul -- all night whilst I slept. Exaggeration and melodrama aside, I feel certain I might be dying. (ROSEBUD!...)

• In an ill-advised fit of pre-38x2am+3wine optimism I promised some very, very special ladies that I would participate in this week's Friday Flashbacky thingymajigger, and since I actually umm kind of wrote this week's question, I feel as though I should really follow the fuck through and do some bootstrap-pulling-upping and so HERE:

Q: What was the first movie you ever saw?

A: Jason and the MFing Argonauts, beeyotches!:

And to answer your question: YES, my parents clearly hated me with the fiery passion of a thousand imploding suns.

So what was your first movie experience, and did it by any chance give you evil skeleton-based nightmares that left you emotionally and psychologically hobbled for years? No? Just me? Really? Huh.

. . . . .
Please to visit our other fine Flashback Friday participants:

(The One, The ONLY) Mamalogues
Oh the Joys
Mrs. Flinger
IzzyMom

Wow, I suck.

19

REALLY? I couldn't even break 20? I'm disappointed in myself a bit, quite frankly.

(Yeah, you're going to want to check this one out. You never know when that kind of self-knowledge might come in handy, yanno?)

[via]

“Pizza? Now that's what I call a taco!”

I can't explain why this makes me so happy. It just does.

TACO TOWN!!!!

Have a good weekend, kiddos.

Astounding

More than 1,500 inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Phillippines do “Thriller”:

And apparently this is just them practicing, and not the final routine.

Planet Unicorn HEYYY!

If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing this yet, PREPARE TO BE DAZZLED.

Two follow-up episodes hither and thither. Fly to the webby goodness, my children, fly!

My New Anthem

And I don't even work in an office. THAT is how good this is. (Oh yeah and PS: NSFW language blah blah blah, deal wit it.)

(xposted from MamaPop, from whence all goodness comes...)

I'll have what they're having

Oh for the good ol' days, back when new mothers were encouraged to drink and smoke up!

Umm, I mean, FOR SHAME!

Logic

Its the new “Hang In There Kitten”, updated for the ascending generation of morbidly obese!

Oh enormokitty, I feel your pain. Your bulbous, girthtastic pain.

VICTORIAN EXPLORER IS SAVED BY A COPY OF PUNCH MAGAZINE!

I have nothing of any import or interest to say today, so why not go see what happened 100 years ago?

Alternately, you could always twirl-a-squirrel.

And there's always SEXYDROWNWATCH. Just sayin'.

Thinking perhaps a leeettle *too* differently

This is brilliant:

For shame, Apple!

PS: Since starting up Sweetney I've liveblogged the Oscars here every year, but with the advent of Mamapop I'll instead be doin' the do over there this Sunday night, starting at 8pm EST. Join me, won't you?

Oh and speaking of the bald, shiny guy: have you yet entered the Mamapop Oscars Challenge? And have you seen the luscious booty to be bequeathed upon the winner? Time's-a-wastin', folks!

Sweetney.com's Great Moments In Advertising: The “Who Would You Give A Volvo To?” Campaign

Whoever came up with this ad has quite clearly been living my life:

So, so good (and so on-the-money).

EDIT: Speaking of good advertising, Danny from Dad Gone Mad just hepped me to this video ad, which is (in a wholly different way from the Volvo advert) totally amazing.

Her Boyfriend: Funniest Man Alive?

Coors Light.

“If you gave me a car made of diamonds and blowjobs all day I still wouldn't drink that beer.”

More hilarity hither.

Gumball The Kitten Takes Over Her Heart

Because I love projects for project's sake, I'm utterly enraptured by Secret Agent Josephine's Gumball The Kitten, and the related flickr group. I foresee Gumball going on many exciting adventures with my family in the near future. And I foresee many resultant photo posts. Yes, that's right: YOU TOO WILL LOVE GUMBALL THE KITTEN, BY THE TIME I'M DONE BLUDGEONING YOU WITH HIS LIKENESS.

Status Report From Toothless McGee

My friends, the toothy damage, she is done. But its nothing that a prescription for Vicodin can't fix. Apparently.

Wheeeeeeee!

But more of my root canal trials and tribulations later... In the interim, please join me over at ye olde Mamapop tonight roundabout 8pm for some good old fashioned liveblogging of The Golden Globes, which promises to be a fabulous spectacle of flash over substance that even those not pumped full of narcotics will appreciate (though -- and this probably goes without saying -- the drugs DO help. Wheeee!). Be there or be, like, L7, dudes.

Oh, and did I mention? WHEEEEEE!

I have a terrible, foreboding sense that once I run out of painkillers I'm going to be in for a mighty, painful crash. But in the meantime? EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE EVERYBODY.

I know. Enjoy this while it lasts. I sure am. [Stifles superfluous “Whee!”]

Totally Random Video

This week's installment: Our friend Adam tells us about his brush with fame:

Well, I *did* say totally random.

December 14th, 2006: A Date That Will Live In Infamy

Friends, today I am the luckiest human alive, for I have been selected to be the 49th inductee into the Utter Wonder Hall Of Fame. Are you jelus? Man, if you aren't, you should be. And not just because I've been enshrined in the most awesome blog hall of fame of all-time (at least according to the proprietor C. Monks), but also because the honor comes with a signed letter to Star Jones:

[click for enlarge-o view]

I couldn't be happier or feel more speshal. Thank you, Utter Wonder, for making my dream come true!

EDIT: UW appears to be fixed now, fyi.

I'm Going To Bake A Cake In The Shape Of The Moon Blowing Up

Its been a rough 24 hours here in the land of Sweetney, so I've decided to spend all my free time today watching Mr. Show, like so:

Somehow Mr. Show makes it all okay.

More soon. I owe ya'll some xmas shopping countdown booty, I know. Sorry for the delay.

Charlie Brown Christmas: The Alternate Ending

(NSFW language.)

For The Rest Of Us

Dudes.

No, seriously. DUDES.

No, wait. Scratch that. DOOOOODS!:

But really, dudes, c'mon.

HAPPY FESTIVUS!

[This post brought to you by dude.]

Odds/Ends

Big ol' interweb content-dump ahoy!

1. Guitar Face made me laugh for about half-an-hour straight.

2. I think its safe to say that Lindsay Lohan is not much of a writer.

3. Have you been keeping up with MamaPop (as well you should)?

4. Oh that David Sedaris is a funny dude.

“Self-Indulgence: a Primer”

I just spent the last half-hour reading customer comments on Amazon.com regarding Ethan Hawke's novel The Hottest State (yes, THAT ETHAN HAWKE). And yeah, hello and welcome to the sort of crap I do in my 'downtime.' Anyway, some of these reviews border on the poetic... if poetry were blood-tinged bile, that is. Taken altogether, the intensity of reader's responses presents a wholly separate sort of meta-narrative drama. My favorite scathing break-down of the moment:

The horror, June 15, 2000
Reviewer: “phaidros23” (New York, NY)
At first I was impressed at Hawke's ability to string together words to form sentences, which then made paragraphs, which followed from then on in logical sequence. At least the guy put words on paper, and managed to turn out 200 pages. But his writing becomes worse as it goes along, descending from the starting point of “competence” and ending in “bilge”. You get the feeling that his editor just quit halfway through the book. And who can blame him? Ethan Hawke is one self-absorbed, pitiful dude. His daddy abandoned him. His mother had him when she was quite young, and then had boyfriends after her divorce. Shocking. He likes to punch things and break furniture. And as if life weren't cruel enough, he's from Texas.

The Coolest Eight-Year-Old In The World On O'Reilly

Because if evil parent bloggers like myself are going to exploit our children, why not do so for the greater good also?

Snort.

[Thanks, Leah!]

Indecision 2044

I have seen the future of democracy.

And it is HILARIOUS.

.....................

EDIT: Durr, link fixed!
Oh and PS: Be sure to watch both parts for maximum hilarity.

Odds & Ends

• Tonight's LOST is the last fresh episode for 13 weeks. Suck it dry, people, suck it dry.
• Did someone say ZOMBIE HAIKU?
• USA! USA! LET FREEDOM RING, MUTHAFUCKAS!!
• Eye of the tiger, Fluffy.
• Have scooter, will carry CRAZY SHIT.

That is all. As you were.

http://tinyurl.com/2vq9ol

http://tinyurl.com/2vq9ol

http://tinyurl.com/2vq9ol

http://tinyurl.com/2vq9ol

http://tinyurl.com/2vq9ol

http://tinyurl.com/2vq9ol

Stay Gold

One very pleasant way to spend your Friday afternoon: reading the hilarious Letters To Star Jones series over at Utter Wonder.

I cannot be held responsible for you wetting yourself. Read responsibly.

[Thanks, Amy!]

Oh, Britains

Your lackey-like following of our questionable taste in amusements (among other things) leaves me at once disturbed and delighted.

No, but seriously dudes, what the hell?

You Know, His Wife's Name Is Also Tracey

[Voiced in my best 12-year-old fangirl squeal:] Like, OH MY GOD you guys! I forgot to mention that I'm going to see Jon Stewart tomorrow night! He's flying me to New York to be on The Daily Show and so that he can make sweet, sweet love to me I'll be seeing him in concert with about 16,000 other lucky bastards. Woot!

You know what this means, don't you? Waxing! Photographic evidence and post-mortemy goodness ahoy!

(The pictures may be a little dark. And grainy. And taken from a great distance. AND FILLED WITH THE COLOSSAL MAGNIFICENCE OF MY LOVE.)

I Have Seen The Future. And It Is Disaffected!

Dudes, you have to see this, which I read about in the NYT this morning:

Disaffected! - a videogame parody of the Kinko’s copy store, a source of frustration from its patrons. Disaffected! puts the player in the role of employees forced to service customers under the particular incompetences common to a Kinko’s store.

...Disaffected! gives the player the chance to step into the demotivated position of real FedEx Kinkos employees. Feel the indifference of these purple-shirted malcontents first-hand, and consider the possible reasons behind their malaise -- is it mere incompetence? Managerial affliction? Unseen but serious labor issues?

Downloadable (for free!) for both Windows and Mac here.

Mars, Bitches!

How much do we miss Dave Chappelle?

Morning WTF.

1. Inspired by Ephesians 6:10-18.

2. Fitting that there are two songs with “Ass” in the title, no?

3. They're baconlicious!

And finally, Sam Jackson ties it all up in a neat little package for us.

Cats In Record Stores.

Animated!

Oh internets, is there no end to your webby goodness?

PS: I just sent a phone message from this to Jamie. Let the motherfucking snakes on a prank call commence!

Guest Post: Adventures In Real Estate.

My friend Amanda penned the following hilarious story of Washington DC-area house hunting hell that is far too capital-A Awesome to not be shared with the world. Anyone who has endured the expansive horrors of looking for a home will no doubt see something of their own experience here (though perhaps with fewer celebrity shrines).

....................

July 28, 2006.

So, today I had my realtor take us around to look at four houses that looked amazing online. All four are still out of our price range, but they've been on the market long enough now that a lowball offer could very well be accepted. And we need to really get the ball rolling on this whole house thing, so we decided to stop dicking around and just dive in, for heaven's sake. The day was very weird.

I've Been Tagged.

I am powerless before The Meme, and therefore must comply (to understand from whence this came, go here).

What can I learn about you in under 5 minutes? When did you start blogging and why?
My about page does a pretty good job covering the basics and a good chunk of my history. Beyond that, I'd fill in with: I'm a huge geek, with a penchant for both indie film and bad reality tv, a lover of both the high and the low culture (not that I even buy into that distinction, but you get my drift). I'm an introvert in extrovert's clothing, gregarious and open, but a lover of solitude. I can find humor in almost anything, and am deeply charmed by people with dry, sarcastic wit. I'm fiercely loyal to friends, but it can take a while to get beyond some initial reserve I put up. I love nothing more than good guacamole, and a Campari with soda (though not necessarily together).

I started blogging about 3-4 years ago on LiveJournal, and switched over to sweetney a little over 2 years ago. The impetus clearly was being a stay at home mom, and having little contact with people in similar situations who I could relate to. Since then, blogging has become -- for better or worse (and I would say better) -- a central part of my life, as previously discussed.

[Note: I'm changing the 2nd question from the one The Queen used, as I don't have a body part photo to share]
Who do you read every day, rain or shine?
On the days they post, I never miss Heather, Alice, Eden, Melissa, Jen, Amy, Marrit, and Beth. I read a ridiculous amount of blogs though, and were I to list all of my must-reads, your head might explode.

How do you feel about meeting bloggers in real life? Are you nervous?
Having met a fair number of bloggers already in “real life”, I'm pretty comfortable with the concept, generally speaking, but BlogHer this year looks to be so ridiculously massive that I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by the sheer number of people going that I can't wait to meet. I'm sort of torn between alternating feelings of salivating excitement and what amounts to an anxiety attack -- and I'm not usually one for social anxiety. Expect me to fluctuate between hysterical excitement and gentle weeping, as I'll likely be somewhat overwhelmed by all the bloggy goodness (if happily so).

Important question. How do you party?
With a drink in one hand, and a cigarette in another. I think what I look forward to most about BlogHer is just hanging out with all of you ladies, drinkin' and chattin'. Cannot. Wait.

Are you and your blogging persona the same person?
Yep. If you read sweetney, expect more of the same, but with additional dorky facial expressions and lots of hand gesturing.

I'm tagging the aforementioned Melissa, Jen, Amy, Marrit, and Beth. Oh c'mon, you know you wanna!

PS: Relatedly, check out this piece from The Boston Globe about BlogHer.

SoaP: The Cheesy Pop Song.

Complete with the now obligatory rap breakdown!

I like that Mr. Jackson makes a cameo, though.

Thanks, Karen!

Think Of The Children.

And ways to haunt their dreams.

Some creepy, some bizarre, some freakin' hilarious. I'm partial to the gummysteins.

EDIT: First link fixed... sorry for the confusion!

Yet Another Inconvenient Truth.

Courtesy of The Zebro Show.

[via]

Stadium Pal.

A little something to start your morning off right.

Recent Searches That Led Folks To This Site.

round ass [Duh, I mean OBVIOUSLY.]

black round ass [(Pumps fist vigorously) YEAH! I STILL GOT IT!]

pirate flag [Next search term for me to work on acquiring relevance in? Zombies.]

transvestite prostitutes [So appropriate, because ya'll know too well that I just can't seem to stop talking about tranny prostitutes.]

cheating mommy [uhh WHA? Who's been cheatin' me?!]

anal probing [Continues to be a winner for me, though I can't quite figure out the connection... Which is just the way the aliens want it.]

A hat tip to you, dear Google.

Meanwhile, They're Clubbing Moms.

For their highly-prized, luxurious pelts, of course.

And now that I have your attention, please proceed to Jinkiesify yourself. Thank you.

Food Bites Back.

I sent this to Steve at The Sneeze. A sort of metal-testing challenge, if you will.

Which reminds me: I think its been at least 6 months since I linked to this. And why break the tradition?

Greetings And Salutations.

Top o' the mornin', friends! A few bits and pieces:

* Threadless $10 sale ends tomorrow! Also, did you notice that they now have kids tees (also for $10 until tomorrow)?

* Watched Jesus Is Magic last night, and despite really wanting to like it -- loving the funny broads as I do -- my overall impression was decidedly “Meh”. For much of it I laughed not at all, though perhaps the film would be more enjoyable if I, say, downed a few shots of bourbon beforehand or something. Booze: The Wonder Drug That Works Wonders!

Next up: Dave Chappelle's Block Party, and you can bet your sweet ass intoxicating substances will NOT be needed for that one, suckas.

* You really must listen to this. Heh.

* BlogHer headcount: Who's going? And will you be put off if I screech your name from across a crowded room, and then proceed to physically tackle you and kiss you full on the mouth? Huh?

* File under: What, Like I'm Not Under Enough Pressure As A Parent Already?: Now I have to make SILLY CAKES?!?

* Yes indeedy, I'm all over the place today. Deal with it (you have no choice, really).

* Need a little hope and solace regarding energy and the environment? Jon's got you covered (that's MY Jon, bitches!).

My work is done here.

Colbert Commencement Speech.

Transcript here.

Also globalization, e-mail, cell phones interconnect our nations like never before. It is possible for even the most insulated American to have friends from all over the world. For instance, I recently received an e-mail asking me to help a deposed Nigerian prince who is looking for a business partner to recuperate his fortune. Thanks to the flexibility of global banking, a Swiss bank account is ready and waiting for my share of his money. I know, because I just e-mailed him my Social Security number.

A shaky, from-afar partial video on YouTube of the event, good for the audio, if nothing else. I'll update this post if I find a better video.

Regrets? I've Had A Few.

What about yourself, hmmm?

[courtesy of our dinosaur-wielding friends at qwantz]

PS: If you haven't been keeping up with Jinkies!, you're missin' out, dude.

A Dude With So Many Opinions Should Have His Own Website, Just For Them!

It will REVOLUTIONIZE the internet!

Yeah, I pretty much hate my guts.

Psst!

Got a little time on your hands today? Put aside some of it to view this Lewis Black concert on YouTube, before its gone! (His riff -- about halfway through the concert -- on the subject of Milk is, in and of itself, totally worth your time.)

[via]

Photos Without People.

The weekend in photos sans humans... because they're really just visual clutter, man.

Inspired.

From this, to this.

Now THAT'S a tribute!

Yet Another Glimpse Inside My Husband's Mind.

He made this page on MySpace.

He's quite excited at this moment, because Bourbon just asked Jesus to be his “Friend.”

PS: Guys! Jesus is in my “Extended Network”!

PPS: I particularly like the fact that its friends include both NIN and Jim Morrison. Fitting, no?

It Turns Out That “Catfight” is actually spelled F-L-O-A-M.

Its guest post time here at sweetney.com!

Mostly because my friend Andrea cracked my shit up with the following post (and the comments on the blog she links to are INSANE):

In The Event Of Snakes On A Plane.

[click image for large/legible version]

It puts the lotion on its skin...

I am, quite literally, Laughing Out Loud.

[via Screenhead]

With Love From E. Bunny.

The Egg Hunt Hiding Place Generator.

Ridiculous Los Angeles.

The amusements here are legion.

And be sure to check out her other photo sets. Pearls, people, pearls.

I Could Watch This On An Infinite Loop For Days.

Incredible Machines.

The Katamari-like soundtrack doesn't hurt, either.

Styro, you know me all too well. Now GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

This Exquisite Moment Courtesy Of The Email Spammers Of America.

A little something-something, composed solely from email subject lines received in the past two weeks (General Foods International Coffee-drinking in conjunction with reading this HIGHLY recommended):

Need chrysanthemum highhanded

Do chorale it cattlemen
Made abysmal red
On scathe or explore
Or form may gasp
YOUR ASSISTANCE IS SPEEDLY NEEDED.

Little baptiste the backplane
May experience aforesaid
Cliff, or prison
Again typeface but adoption
The provoke sang.

--by Ezra Pound (HA!)

[wiping away a single, perfect teardrop] That was almost as moving as the email I received today from Scotland's National Lottery informing me that I AM (somehow, mysteriously) THEIR WINNER! ONE MEEEELLION DOLLARS (or whatever their fakey monopoly-money-like currency is over there)!!!

[Insert Chappelle's Show closing credit clip:] I'M RICH, BEEYATCH!

You little people will still love me when I'm all flush with Scottish pelf, won't you?

In other news from other media, I have succumbed to the seductive, antiseptic wiles of that medical drama-type show House, and shall now commence with having vague, semi-sexual fantasies about its title character, who somehow manages to make limping borderline HOT.

PS: Besides me, who else here is totally the bitch of delicious dried mango slices?

American Idol 5: The Ridiculing.

Bucky: Lose The Pseudostache, dude. Cause you're seriously creeping me out with that.

Ace: I'm sorry, but you're not THAT cute.

Kelly: Self-destructive much, honey?

Daughtry: Tonight was it Nickleback, Creed, or Live? I can't quite put my finger on it... [Aside: Dude can sing, no doubt. But he's completely undynamic -- one note, cranked up to ELEVEN, for 3 full minutes -- and I find that, well, boring frankly.]

Katherine: UGH! Am I the only person who thought that was HORRIBLE? I don't know what the judges are on (okay, so I know what Paula is on, but that aside), but in my book that was a virtual cringefest.

Elliott: BLINK, DAMMIT, BLINK!!!

Taylor: He just finished the Elvis gestalt of that song.

Paris: I guess a person can rock out to elevator music.

People Are Weird.

I was looking at some photos from our trip to New Orleans yesterday, and ran across a series from the annual Barkus Parade, which we just happened to stumble upon while out sightseeing. This stuff makes my application of the occasional t-shirt to Truman's gyrating, dervish-like form look pathetic and amateur.

A Couple Days Early.

But I couldn't wait to link to Chuck Klosterman's review of the long-awaited GnR album Chinese Democracy.

I love the Klosterman. This makes me love him even more.

PS: Once you've reached the final line, go back and read it again. Its even better the second time around.

The Longer The Joke Goes On, The Funnier It Gets (Well, To Me Anyway).

Courtesy of the Fark SoaP photoshop contest:

More SoaP-related news from EWonline and The Hollywood Reporter. [Props to Ventura Mom for the heads-up on the latter!]

WHEEEE!

Rockheals Update.

Now with extra senseless violence!

Be My Anti-Valentine.

Unfortunately it looks as though the site's card-sending capacity is down. But you can still peruse the card gallery, which is chock full o' gems such as these.

If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these stomach cramps come at night?

The Britney seen leaving malibu urgent care, apparently again having complained of some sort of stomach ailment.

Think these phantom stomach pains might have anything to do with, umm, this?

[Much less nauseating and certainly much more entertaining here. perhaps B needs to kick Fed to the curb and hook herself up with some Jimmy L... Just a thought.]

dave chappelle's block party.

a film by michel gondry.

well i now know what i'm doing march 3rd.

curses! foiled again!

how is it that every single time woot offers a bag o' crap i somehow manage to miss it?

i sense some sort of cosmic conspiracy afoot. perhaps one involving, ahem, dead aliens. [shakes angry fist at universe]

but in an effort to keep things positive in the face of justifiable wootrage, let us now turn our attention to uplift and enlightenment elsewhere.

and, as a cherry on top of that sundae of sweetness and light, i give you this.

i may yet get to Clear.

blogging the grammys.

1. kelly clarkson: so cute, such a good song. i'm kind of vainly hoping she'll go all pat benatar on our asses (fingers crossed).

2. chris martin & his hair: what the HELL?!? when did he decide he wants to be jeff lynne?

3. okay, i totally stepped out during that whole country music hoedown thingy.

4. kanye west: his outfit is a joke, right? RIGHT?!?

5. kelly clarkson deux: and now that i've won the grammy for a good song, let me take this opportunity to bludgeon you with a piece-of-crap ballad some schlockmeister whipped together for my record label! enjoy! (ps: NOSE RING ALERT!)

6. for the record: i HATE the black eyed peas. that is all.

7. similarly for the record: DAVE CHAPPELLE, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.

8. please note subtle post title change due to having just noted this (last year's entry). DUDE!

9. so this whole sly stone thing isn't really going so well, is it?

10. you so know that kid from linkin park was PEEING HIS PANTS getting to sing with paul mccartney. and how cute were paul's little old man hip-shakin attempts at Feelin' It?

11. johnny cash + lou reed + bob dylan = bruce springsteen [quantities of each part may vary]

12. gold digger a la drumline: best part of the evening. by. far.

13. aww, those green day kids done good. american idiot is a great album, and i don't care if you think i'm a poseur for saying so.

how you comin' on that, uhh, novel you been workin' on, huh?

got a compelling protagonist, huh?

so, so good.

sweetney.com oscars 2006 challenge.

its that time again!

cast your predictive vote(s) HERE.

there is a PRIZE, folks! a good one! so chop-chop!

voting will be open until 5pm EST March 5th (the day of the oscars).

ps: crazy-mad props to defective yeti!!

pps: the voting page uses the term “pool”, when in reality this is more a simple contest. you aren't contributing anything; just voting and, hopefully, winning.

bite-sized tv nuggets.

1. Number One Single: oh my god, lisa loeb is so cute IT BURNS. seriously, i thought i would surely hate her as i hated that song “Stay” of hers, but NO! she's perky and fun in a way that, oddly enough, isn't totally irritating. she's like the perfect archetypal materialization of my ideal little sister (except, uhh, she's older than me). and she gets all doe-eyed and tearful at the right moments. and she collects hello kitty memorabilia.

so what i'm basically saying is: i think i want to marry lisa loeb.

2. Project Runway: like him or no, its still santino's show. he's grown on me, despite my initial reluctance. maybe it was his impression of tim gunn that pressed me to finally say to hell with it and surrender my heart, maybe not. but regardless there it is, quivering meatily in his hands.

my money's on daniel, though.

3. damn them for no new LOST episode. damn them.

UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR!

[wipes eyes of joyful tears] thank you, interweb!

olbermanntastic!

like, wow. i particularly enjoyed the ted baxter voice he does when openly mocking o'reilly.

dude is just lettin' all the bile hang out... and its joyous to behold.

[totally swiped from styro.]